OUR WORLD TODAY
Stinks on a Plane — An Open Letter to Sh*theads and Fcuking Idiots in Crowded Places
Haven’t we all “enjoyed” these experiences?
Break out the duct tape. It’s time to fly.
What’s not to love about hurtling through space in a shatter-on-impact missile with 377 sweaty strangers jammed cheek-to-jowl and chock full of rage, bourbon, evil intentions and trapped farts?
Nothing! That’s what!
So here’s some sweet treats for perfect behavior at 30 thousand feet.
You stink! No you stink!
Yeah, we all stink at one time or another, but at least make an effort.
Here’s the checklist, lest you’ve forgotten:
- brush and floss
- shower (or at least soak in your own effluvia for a while, AKA bathe), paying particular attention to the hairy bits
- don clean clothing, and “NO!”, “changing” your underwear does NOT mean just turning them inside out, that only puts the stink closer to the unsuspecting outside world
Pretty basic stuff.
If you’re short on time, dousing yourself in the Costco-sized vat of your favorite great-stink brand is NOT a substitute for the 3-item list of basics above.
Ladies … Eau-de-Chernobyl may mask your naturally alluring rhino-toe-jam musk, but it’s unlikely to be everyone’s favorite when it penetrates their brains for 17 straight hours on the red-eye to New Delhi.
Gentlemen … The “Vladimir Pootin’ Pour Homme” that worked so well on the high school babes is currently out of favor and will remain so for quite some time.
From my own travel adventures:
During my last flight a young woman — let’s call her Deucy Camel Toe, shall we — occasionally parked herself across the aisle from me to chat with a friend. This meant her butt, and butt-adjacent bits, hovered at my face level. I was treated to a combo platter of fetid fish fry and neglected butt wipe during every visit.
How did I know it was her bringing the gifts? She moved off … raw sewage smell abated. She returned, so did the swamp gas.
Soap and water is your friend. Repeat after me. Soap and water is your friend.
Let it fly!
Even if you’re seated in the front of the plane, your first class farts are definitely low brow.
Yes, we know gas expands at altitude and it gets uncomfortable. That’s why there are those special little rooms in each cabin. That’s where you can go, as often as you like, to “release the Kraken” and whatever other demons you have stored up.
Besides, visits to the stink lodge allow you to:
- pee all over the seat and everywhere else for that matter
- wet every surface like it’s going to be featured in The Perfect Storm 2.0
- use up every available paper product before returning to your seat and telling no one you’ve done so
- mark your territory by tagging the mirror with your artfully-arrayed boogers
Bumping Uglies
No, not joining the mile high club in that fetid little stink lodge the airline calls a “bathroom”.
Bumping uglies here refers to rubbing one’s butt-ugly butt on ALL your fellow prisoners as you plod up and down the airline aisle like a grazing hippo.
Lest you think this process is benign, recall Deucy Camel Toe from the “You Stink” vignette above.
Now, imagine her rubbing her hideous ass on you as she passed.
You’d have to pay extra for that in first class.
Food
Under no circumstances consume the bland, harmless food the airline provides.
Also, don’t board with standard stuff, a burger perhaps, a wrap, a salad.
Instead, along with the 75 kilogram live goat and bushel of turnips you’re trying to cram into the overhead compartment, bring on: liver and onions — grandma’s homemade recipe of course, fried mackerel with pearl onions and a side of gruyere, herring in North Sea Crude, or anything with seven pounds of garlic per square inch.
No need to share with your neighbors. We’ll be treated to the full menu. Once, as you wolf down your treats and scraps whirl about in your toxic food cloud. Again, as you let your asshole hang open for the remaining seven and a half hour flight time.
Remember, farts and even sharts are completely masked by the roar of the jet engines. And really, why not go whole hog and shart? They are the gift that keeps on giving.
Sharing is caring.
Thank you,
Liam M — This one’s for you, dude.