Stepping Into Polyamory With My Husband After 13 Years
Opening up our marriage and exploring ethical non-monogamy
My husband and I have had a lot of issues. We’ve gotten close to divorce on more than one occasion. Closer than most couples who are still together ever get.
We’ve been together for about thirteen years and married for just over one. But our problems — which stemmed from our incompatibilities — started long before that.
In the past year, we faced our issues head-on with lots of couples therapy, doing difficult, emotional work together with a therapist we both love. We sometimes see her together, sometimes individually. She’s sensitive and fair and understanding with both of us. The best of the best in her field.
With the help of therapy, my husband and I managed to improve our communication, and we’ve both grown as human beings. That alone is something worth celebrating — and it’s something not all couples experience.
Even though I know I’ll always love him, I’m still not sure if my husband and I will always remain married. But for now, we are trying. And I’ve garnered enough experience to know that you sometimes have to get comfortable with the unknown.
And, to quote Elsa, my husband and I are certainly stepping into the unknown.
We’ve agreed to officially open our marriage and step into polyamory. Ethical non-monogamy. An open relationship. At this point, there are a few different labels that could fit what we’re open to exploring.
I don’t know where it’s going to lead us, but I’ve been called to it for years. And he wants to go on this journey with me.
Leaving the old relationship behind and building a new one
My husband surprised me recently when he came out of his doctor’s appointment with a phone number — given to him by the gorgeous medical technician.
He’d recently had a seizure for the first time, but thankfully, all the tests came back normal. It was likely stress-induced, and his multiple job losses and the issues in our relationship certainly weren’t helping.
I was caught off guard when he handed me the pink Post-it with a girl’s name and number scrawled on it in loopy handwriting. After all, we’d talked about exploring polyamory for the last two years, but had never officially acted on it.
In fact, my honesty about wanting to open our relationship had caused all sorts of insecurities and problems, and I only realized it when I found out about the emotional affair he was having behind my back.
In polyamory, honesty, communication, and trust are foundational — so secret affairs in which your husband says hurtful and hateful things about you to the object of his affection are still detrimental.
After discovering that emotional affair, experiencing the deepest hurt I’ve ever felt with this man, and losing all trust I previously had for him, I knew our relationship could never be the same.
After trauma does its damage and trust is lost, some couples make the mistake of trying to get back what they had before. But you can’t force a relationship that has fundamentally changed into the same shape it once was.
That change point? That’s the point you start from. Whether you continue in monogamy or do decide to explore other options — you must start the work to build a whole new relationship, with trust, and grow and change with it.
Or it won’t work.
This is where therapy and communication are a must. My husband and I needed help letting go of what our relationship used to be. That was gone, and a new one was born. If we both expected to find what we used to have before, we weren’t going to work out.
But can polyamory work out? I think yes, depending on who you are. And so do a lot of psychologists.
If your definition of a relationship that works is one that meets the needs of the people involved and can flex as those needs over time, then yes, polyamory works great for some people. These polys tend to emphasize emotional intimacy, mutual reliance and commitment, and their willingness to work through conflict by flexing with life transitions as key elements that help their families work. If their relationships change form over time it does not mean they have failed or are somehow broken, only that their needs and personalities have evolved.
The fact that my husband wants to date another woman, and is now being honest and communicating with me about it, is thrilling for me. Also, his confidence was through the roof after that appointment. It really lifted the mood for both of us.
Days later, I found myself browsing posts in a local polyamory Facebook group. If my husband was comfortable enough to set up a date with another woman, I was going to follow his lead and start looking for friends in my local polyamory community.
I had never been successful with Facebook groups before, so I wasn’t expecting to find much.
Then, I happened upon a post that asked people to share something good they’d experienced that month. One woman shared a video of her singing at a karaoke bar downtown. She was excited that she’d finally worked up the nerve to sing in front of a large group.
I’m a karaoke fanatic! I responded in the comments. Congrats to you — it’s not easy.
Not five minutes later, one of the men in the group responded to my comment. We’ll call him M.
Finding like-minded and authentic friends
M invited me to their weekly karaoke outing — telling me to DM him if I was interested in joining.
I chatted with M for a while that day, and I found out the woman singing in the video was his long-term girlfriend. He is also married, and his wife also has a long-term boyfriend.
Since that first conversation, M and I have met for beers, and he let me pick his brain about how he and his wife found themselves in the polyamory lifestyle. I’ve also been out with his friend group for karaoke and conversation— twice.
My husband came along on the second night to the karaoke bar, and he met the group. He talked with M a good bit and ended up telling him that he’d be comfortable with him dating me (which M has expressed interest in).
I’ve met M’s amazing wife and found that I have a strong intellectual connection with her. I even went to a local swinger meet-and-greet (not so much my scene, but a really nice time nonetheless).
I’ve also been to a game night at M’s house that included just me, him, and his girlfriend. She and I really clicked. We giggled all night, and I had an amazing time enjoying drinks and playing board games with both of them.
I also snagged a kiss from M.
It’s wild to think that all of this has happened in just over a month. This after having such a hard time with feeling alone and craving social interaction.
It’s not just about polyamory. I’m also so excited to find and engage with new friends — while enjoying flirty shenanigans and deep conversations with like-minded, authentic people.
But I’d be lying if I said that the aspect of romantic possibility with said like-minded, authentic people wasn’t a very heady concoction.
There’s a healthy way to approach non-monogamy — if you want it
I’ve clearly communicated to my husband that if polyamory isn’t something he wants, if it makes him unhappy, and he doesn’t want to go on this journey with me, I completely understand. I’ve reiterated this in our therapy sessions as well as during very recent one-on-one conversations.
Some people are strictly monogamous; it’s the way they are wired. And that’s great — do what works for you.
After 13 years with the same person — a person who can’t and shouldn’t be expected to be my one-and-only everything, I’ve learned that monogamy is too restrictive and limiting.
It’s complicated, because I never knew I would grow and change in this way when my husband and I first got together.
We tend to grow and change as individuals and as a couple. Sometimes we grow in different directions. Sometimes, one person grows while the other doesn’t.
It’s figuring out how to navigate these changes in a healthy way that poses a challenge. But if you can figure it out — with therapy, research, or whatever method works for you and your significant other — you’re on your way to a stronger, more loving, and more intimate dynamic with your partner.
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