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Abstract

at the marriage certificate isn’t important to me. I wanted to marry him last August (after being engaged for years) so that he could get on my health insurance and go to the doctor to get some much-needed care that he’d been neglecting for over a decade. COVID was running rampant, and my uncle (just four years older than my husband) had just died from it the month before.</p><p id="9958">That loss changed me. And I wanted to make sure my husband was as healthy as could be in case he were to get the virus too.</p><p id="bebf">A marriage certificate isn’t what kept me with him for over 12 years though. It was my love and loyalty to him. and I wanted to stay together for the rest of our lives, married or not.</p><h2 id="8147">3. She’s such a fuck-up that blames everyone else for her problems. She’s a selfish cnt.</h2><p id="b61e">He texted this to the woman he loves after an incident where I came home one night and accidentally left my house keys in the front door lock. I went in the house and locked the door from the inside without realizing I’d left the keys in the lock outside, and I discovered later that it got jammed and absolutely <i>would not</i> open.</p><p id="5c90">I went out the back door to try to get the keys out of the front door lock, but I’d locked our screen door too and couldn’t get to the keys.</p><p id="6818"><i>Welp. That’s totally inconvenient, </i>I thought to myself, annoyed at my stupid mistake. I don’t leave keys in doors often, I promise. I just have one of those frazzled-full-time-working-mom-and-wife brains.</p><p id="fd67">My husband discovered the issue the next morning when he was trying to leave the house. We talked about a couple of different ways to solve the problem, and he ended up having to break the screen door to get to the keys. He promptly fixed it over the next day or so.</p><p id="6271">All was well — or so I thought.</p><p id="3779">I had no idea the <i>mighty rage</i> that was simmering inside him — that he’d go back to the woman he loves and call me that nasty, degrading word behind my back.</p><p id="e7e0">It’s so funny (not really). But about a week ago, I was singing in a show and a friend I went to school with told me a story about her being pretty sheltered as a kid. A boy in the seventh grade called her the c-word, and she had no clue what it meant.</p><p id="b065">I gasped in shock because I couldn’t believe she experienced such sexist and degrading verbal abuse from another student, especially at such a young age.</p><p id="88c9">“No one has ever called me that. I don’t know what I’d do to the guy that did,” I told her, half-joking.</p><p id="2659">Well. I guess someone has called me that after all! Behind my back! And it’s my husband!</p><p id="7693">The man I’ve been working my ass off trying to support so that he can take his time to find a new job that he loves. Paying the bills while he takes the opportunity for a week-long volunteer film gig.</p><p id="7862">This text actually came three days after I’d given him $500 of my blogging earnings to support costs for his own film project. What a selfish bitch I am, right?</p><h2 id="5aea">4. I’m scared that if I stay with her, I will die of a stroke or heart attack.</h2><p id="6aef">Oh. I guess I’m such a bitch, such a raging selfish “cnt” who is so hard to live with — that I’d kill any man who tries.</p><p id="3d63">I’m honestly not sure what I do that stresses him out so much. I work hard to support him. I have panic attacks and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), but I’m doing really well with managing it right now.</p><p id="bd11">Maybe it’s the fact that I have high standards and talk to him honestly and directly (without yelling or insulting him) about my needs, which I’d like to have met after being together for so long. At the same time, I try to address his needs. That way, we can both live in a happy and healthy relationship where communication is clear, our needs are fulfilled, and all of our dreams come true.</p><p id="4709">Whoops.</p><h2 id="0f6f">5. I married the wrong woman. I just want to leave.</h2><p id="206f">This clinched it for me. Just seeing him put that out there, in black and white, in his own words, pushed me over the edge.</p><p id="3244"><b>Is this truly how he feels? Then he <i>should

Options

</i> leave. And now, I want him to.</b></p><p id="9627">I was staying with him during our low points because I didn’t think it was fair to leave him. We had plenty of problems, sure, but he was always the sweetest kindest man to me, and he never showed me an ounce of abuse. I felt loyal to him. I felt like I didn’t want to break my commitment to him, to our marriage. I wanted to honor my vows and love and care for him — because he deserved that from me.</p><p id="f348">Or so I thought.</p><h1 id="16da">Write it Out, Talk it Out</h1><p id="f1c8">I need to confront him about the things I’ve seen.</p><p id="e984">His words, written to her, will never leave my mind. Ever.</p><p id="e990">His words have changed my feelings about him. I never knew he was capable of saying such cruel and abusive things (because he’s never done so to my face).</p><p id="e4d6">There is a whole other side to him I never knew about. I’ve looked at him over these past two days, seeing him being completely oblivious to what I know, going about business as usual. He cooked dinner for us. He cut tomatoes for me and me only, because he doesn’t like them.</p><p id="6144">I believe, now that he’s lost his job, that he will panic when I confront him. He will tell me he didn’t really mean those words from two months ago (before he lost his job). He will want to stay together because it makes much more financial sense for him right now.</p><p id="23f8">Or maybe, he really <i>didn’t</i> mean these things? Maybe he was just exaggerating to the woman he loves to gain her sympathy. To get her attention. Because he loves her — and he would rather be with her — but it can’t happen. She’s married, and her responses to his texts (and his dick pics) are never romantic. They are the responses of a platonic friend.</p><p id="d1d4">When I confront him, he might tell me he didn’t mean those things, that he was just having a bad time. Maybe that’s true, but how could I trust that? If he’d lie to her to gain her sympathy, he would do the same with me.</p><p id="418a">I dread this confrontation. But I can’t keep holding this in.</p><p id="22f5"><i>Thank you for reading. <a href="https://mailchi.mp/c255b2f9e8f7/hollybradshaw"><b>Sign up for my newsletter</b></a><b> </b>to<b> </b>get updates on my latest creations. You can also find me on the <a href="https://sexcuriouspodcast.buzzsprout.com/"><b>Sex Curious Podcast</b></a><b>.</b></i></p><div id="9234" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-husband-just-lost-his-job-and-our-marriage-is-already-fractured-fffbff293442"> <div> <div> <h2>My Husband Just Lost His Job — And Our Marriage Is Already Fractured</h2> <div><h3>Will this be the tipping point for us?</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*OcqHN0AJJ-3wP22_BMtb8w.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="ff9b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/im-having-wild-sex-dreams-and-sleep-orgasms-e34f6b3c451e"> <div> <div> <h2>I’m Having Wild Sex Dreams and Sleep Orgasms</h2> <div><h3>My deepest desires are being fulfilled — but only in my sleep</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*qm0AnyQEQWB3U3vg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="4403" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-love-my-husband-but-i-want-to-leave-him-d4079e7ab3b1"> <div> <div> <h2>I Love My Husband — But I Want to Leave Him</h2> <div><h3>undefined</h3></div> <div><p>undefined</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*pL_iHWv26OjeXIUeycyvwQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

My Husband Texted the Cruelest Things About Me — to the Woman He Loves

His emotional affair has gone way too far — and now I have to confront him

It’s been two days since I’ve read the texts. Two difficult, uncomfortable days full of emotional whiplash.

I was shocked when I found the messages on my husband’s old phone. Just a couple of days prior, I’d bought him a new one with more storage space because his old one was running so poorly. I had to set it all up for him and switch his account over (it took hours).

My curiosity is notorious. I already knew he’d been having an emotional affair with this woman, and that they are best friends. She’s a fellow filmmaker friend he sometimes works on projects with, and I’ve snooped through their texts once before.

I did talk to my husband about that time I looked through his phone, and I thought we’d moved past it. I’m not upset that he loves this woman or that he’s attracted to her — I’ve shared with him that I truly believe I’m polyamorous. I’m not jealous, and I’ve been open to exploring ethical non-monogamy together.

I am upset, however, at the vile, hateful things he says to her about me. Things he has never, ever said to my face. This is not the transparent ethical non-monogamy that I’m drawn to (but have never acted on).

His words to her, about me, show that he doesn’t really know me at all. After 12 years together.

I read through a lot of their recent conversations. Months of a text thread.

A lot of it bothered me, like the talk of liberals being communists and doing terrible things that Trump was trying to save us from.

Or how he claimed I’m aggressive in pushing him to sleep with other women. (He knows I’m interested in us exploring ethical non-monogamy together, but I’ve never tried to force it on him — I thought we were just communicating honestly about it.)

Or how she told him I try to push him to sleep with other women so I don’t “feel guilty about the way I live my life” (but, I’m not acting on my polyamorous desires so I’m not sure what she’s talking about?).

But that’s just the warm-up. Here are the worst of the worst. The “greatest hits,” if you will.

I call them that, because they hit me the hardest.

This discovery absolutely gutted me and shocked me. It was like I was reading the words of a stranger — not the man I’ve loved for all these years.

Top Five Texts to the Woman He Loves

1. I really hate Holly. She’s such a bitch to me.

I’d gotten a pretty horrible cold and told him I was upset that he didn’t ask how I was feeling. I didn’t yell or call him names, but I tried to raise the issue of my feelings.

I often feel emotionally neglected by him, because we talk mostly about him (his day, his art, his film, or day job issues) a lot more than we talk about me. It gets pretty unbalanced, and sometimes I try to talk to him about what I want or need in order to shift that balance. I need some attention too.

Just seeing him use the word “hate” when referring to me… it blew my mind. I had no idea. I really didn’t. Seeing this text from him to her — it cracked my heart in two.

2. I need insurance because I’m with Holly. I’d rather not have her and not need the insurance.

This is about our “marriage of convenience,” as he described it to her.

Yes, I openly admit to him that the marriage certificate isn’t important to me. I wanted to marry him last August (after being engaged for years) so that he could get on my health insurance and go to the doctor to get some much-needed care that he’d been neglecting for over a decade. COVID was running rampant, and my uncle (just four years older than my husband) had just died from it the month before.

That loss changed me. And I wanted to make sure my husband was as healthy as could be in case he were to get the virus too.

A marriage certificate isn’t what kept me with him for over 12 years though. It was my love and loyalty to him. and I wanted to stay together for the rest of our lives, married or not.

3. She’s such a fuck-up that blames everyone else for her problems. She’s a selfish c~nt.

He texted this to the woman he loves after an incident where I came home one night and accidentally left my house keys in the front door lock. I went in the house and locked the door from the inside without realizing I’d left the keys in the lock outside, and I discovered later that it got jammed and absolutely would not open.

I went out the back door to try to get the keys out of the front door lock, but I’d locked our screen door too and couldn’t get to the keys.

Welp. That’s totally inconvenient, I thought to myself, annoyed at my stupid mistake. I don’t leave keys in doors often, I promise. I just have one of those frazzled-full-time-working-mom-and-wife brains.

My husband discovered the issue the next morning when he was trying to leave the house. We talked about a couple of different ways to solve the problem, and he ended up having to break the screen door to get to the keys. He promptly fixed it over the next day or so.

All was well — or so I thought.

I had no idea the mighty rage that was simmering inside him — that he’d go back to the woman he loves and call me that nasty, degrading word behind my back.

It’s so funny (not really). But about a week ago, I was singing in a show and a friend I went to school with told me a story about her being pretty sheltered as a kid. A boy in the seventh grade called her the c-word, and she had no clue what it meant.

I gasped in shock because I couldn’t believe she experienced such sexist and degrading verbal abuse from another student, especially at such a young age.

“No one has ever called me that. I don’t know what I’d do to the guy that did,” I told her, half-joking.

Well. I guess someone has called me that after all! Behind my back! And it’s my husband!

The man I’ve been working my ass off trying to support so that he can take his time to find a new job that he loves. Paying the bills while he takes the opportunity for a week-long volunteer film gig.

This text actually came three days after I’d given him $500 of my blogging earnings to support costs for his own film project. What a selfish bitch I am, right?

4. I’m scared that if I stay with her, I will die of a stroke or heart attack.

Oh. I guess I’m such a bitch, such a raging selfish “c~nt” who is so hard to live with — that I’d kill any man who tries.

I’m honestly not sure what I do that stresses him out so much. I work hard to support him. I have panic attacks and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), but I’m doing really well with managing it right now.

Maybe it’s the fact that I have high standards and talk to him honestly and directly (without yelling or insulting him) about my needs, which I’d like to have met after being together for so long. At the same time, I try to address his needs. That way, we can both live in a happy and healthy relationship where communication is clear, our needs are fulfilled, and all of our dreams come true.

Whoops.

5. I married the wrong woman. I just want to leave.

This clinched it for me. Just seeing him put that out there, in black and white, in his own words, pushed me over the edge.

Is this truly how he feels? Then he should leave. And now, I want him to.

I was staying with him during our low points because I didn’t think it was fair to leave him. We had plenty of problems, sure, but he was always the sweetest kindest man to me, and he never showed me an ounce of abuse. I felt loyal to him. I felt like I didn’t want to break my commitment to him, to our marriage. I wanted to honor my vows and love and care for him — because he deserved that from me.

Or so I thought.

Write it Out, Talk it Out

I need to confront him about the things I’ve seen.

His words, written to her, will never leave my mind. Ever.

His words have changed my feelings about him. I never knew he was capable of saying such cruel and abusive things (because he’s never done so to my face).

There is a whole other side to him I never knew about. I’ve looked at him over these past two days, seeing him being completely oblivious to what I know, going about business as usual. He cooked dinner for us. He cut tomatoes for me and me only, because he doesn’t like them.

I believe, now that he’s lost his job, that he will panic when I confront him. He will tell me he didn’t really mean those words from two months ago (before he lost his job). He will want to stay together because it makes much more financial sense for him right now.

Or maybe, he really didn’t mean these things? Maybe he was just exaggerating to the woman he loves to gain her sympathy. To get her attention. Because he loves her — and he would rather be with her — but it can’t happen. She’s married, and her responses to his texts (and his dick pics) are never romantic. They are the responses of a platonic friend.

When I confront him, he might tell me he didn’t mean those things, that he was just having a bad time. Maybe that’s true, but how could I trust that? If he’d lie to her to gain her sympathy, he would do the same with me.

I dread this confrontation. But I can’t keep holding this in.

Thank you for reading. Sign up for my newsletter to get updates on my latest creations. You can also find me on the Sex Curious Podcast.