My Husband Just Lost His Job — And Our Marriage Is Already Fractured

Will this be the tipping point for us?

So many are suffering from unemployment right now. In the U.S. alone, it’s around 9.3 million.

There’s no question that unemployment rates are higher as a result of the pandemic. And sadly, after 18 years of dedication to his job, my husband has unexpectedly joined the ranks of those who find themselves out of work.

It happened without warning. Last Monday, he came into my home office around 4:30 p.m. to let me know that he no longer had a job. There wasn’t enough work for the business to stay afloat, and his employer could no longer afford to keep him on.

He was beyond pissed. It was a rough day, to say the least. And in the week since, his emotional state has been — understandably — all over the place.

And so has mine.

I know this is affecting him more than me. I’m fully aware of that. But it is affecting me, and in turn, it’s most definitely affecting our relationship. It’s all connected.

My day job still has me working remotely, and I’ve been spending the week at home with him, trying to be supportive. The first thing I said to him was that I don’t want him to rush into a job he hates just because we’re panicking.

“We have some time,” I told him. I’ve managed to squirrel away some savings, thanks to my writing side-gig. “You have to find something that fits. A place that gives you better benefits.”

His last job did nothing to take care of him. They paid him as a contractor so they didn’t have to deal with treating him as an actual employee. There was no sick leave when he had to stay in the hospital with kidney stones. No vacation days. No medical insurance or retirement.

To be honest, the fact that he didn’t look for a better job for himself over the years was something I’ve nagged him about several times.

But there’s no shame in my nagging game. I just want him to be happy. I want him to have his dream job. I want him to be able to retire at some point and not work himself into the ground. And when I talk to him about my feelings, I wait for the right time and make sure I’m not overwhelming him.

Nagging probably isn’t the right word at all, now that I think about it. I believe in him, and I think he deserves more.

And, while I’m being fully honest, I need him to be able to help me more. To help us more.

See? It’s all connected.

I’m Afraid I’m Going to Snap — at Him

I’m trying to keep my cool and not let the emotional trauma from my past relationship bleed into this one. Just because I ran fleeing from a horrible marriage in the past — which basically left me financially destitute with a toddler and no child support — that doesn’t mean that’s going to be the case in this relationship.

I get really anxious about money because of my past struggles and the fact that I’m just now starting to catch up on my debt. And of course, my husband’s job situation has me worrying and analyzing — questioning what the future holds.

Do I hunker down and work my side-gig even harder? After sitting and writing for my day job, do I sit and write every evening too? I love to write, but overdoing it as a side-hustle takes a toll on my physical and mental health.

And to add to the stress — I wonder how this is going to affect our already problematic relationship dynamic. Like all relationships, mine has its issues. But they’ve been more difficult and pronounced lately.

The full disappearance of anything sexual between us has been a point of contention. Erectile dysfunction has played a part in that, but so has our total lack of physical attraction to each other. And physical intimacy with a man is something I’ve been craving.

On top of that, for months I’ve been feeling like I’m pulling more than my fair share of the weight when it comes to household chores.

The day after he lost his job, my husband went straight for a DIY home project. He finally rebuilt our porch stairs, which have been dangerously wobbly and broken for, oh, the past year or two.

But then he started doing a lot of couch surfing and TV-watching. I know it’s part of the process and I need to give him that time, but since I’m still working remotely for my day job, I’m not getting that peace and quiet during the day that I need. I’m not getting the alone time that I thrive on mentally.

It’s kind of excruciating that he’s not doing a whole lot of cleaning (and this house really needs it). I worked on our catastrophe of a kitchen today, loading the dishwasher and cooking lunch for my son while my hubby sat at his computer and tried to figure out his film editing software.

I’m just not sure how long my sanity will hold out.

If the tables were turned, and if I were suddenly unemployed and had free time, I’d at least want to help with cleaning the house part of the day. Especially when I know it gives my partner anxiety to live in dirt and clutter (when the house is really messy, it screws with my head). I’m almost to the point where I need to talk to him about it.

“Honey, I’m happy to support you during this challenge you’re going through, but please, while you have the time to spare, can you help me with this crazy disaster of a house before I have a legitimate mental breakdown?”

I stop and remind myself that he’s probably deeply depressed, and he could really use some downtime for his mental health. (So could I…)

But here’s what’s also really driving me crazy. Like really crazy. He’s talking to me a lot about his film project. He’s been doing an independent film for years. It’s his passion. And I’m always hearing about every detail.

My friend from work worded it perfectly — he’s an external processor. Talking to someone about all the minutiae helps him work things out in his head. But I don’t want to be that sounding board.

For me, it takes a lot of energy to actively listen to what permit went through and which actress dropped out and where her replacement went to school and what camera you’re using and what road you managed to get blocked off, and which location you’re filming in and the make and model of the two cars in scene seven and on and on and on, etc.

I want him to feel supported. At the same time, I’m worried I’m going to snap on him and just let all my negative feelings rush out all at once. I know it will make him hate himself.

But if I keep holding everything in, I’m going to lose it.

Should We Spend Money on Couples Counseling?

Unlike in my previous marriage, my second husband has never been abusive. He’s never made me feel scared or talked down to or controlled and manipulated.

Even so, I know we would still greatly benefit from couples therapy — as well as individual therapy. But now, with our strained financial situation, I’m thinking that it should be put on the back burner.

What it comes down to is priority. When you’re struggling as a couple both financially and emotionally, do you take the financial resources to work on your troubled relationship first? Or is it more important to make sure you can put food on the table and a roof over your head?

Can we approach this struggle better if we’re stronger as a couple? Or will the financial strain impede our ability to address issues we need to work on in therapy? To me, it feels like a chicken-and-egg kind of conundrum.

Is it possible to do both at the same time? I say this in the kindest way — my husband is not the greatest multi-tasker. It’s just not how he’s built. He’s more about laser focus.

We are fortunate because we have a little padding. Not everyone has that. It’s a privilege I’m grateful for every day.

He can take the time to find something good. Something that works. Maybe something that allows him to utilize his creative talent — because he’s the type of creative genius who is pretty much all right-brained (more artsy and visual, less analytical/logical). His work is brilliant, but he doesn’t have an easy time with business administration tasks.

If he could incorporate creativity into his job, he’d be passionate about what he does for a living. And I want to support him in that.

Since he’s been let go, he’s been putting feelers out. And — he got a paid special effects makeup gig with a professional movie production. It’s only for one day of work, but I’m still excited for him. And I hope it’s the start of something more.

Patience is a Big-Ass Virtue

For anyone who is going through a similar situation, I want to share a few helpful things I’ve come up with during this first week of having a partner who is dealing with unemployment.

• Do the practical thing and sit down with each other, go through every bill you both have, and see exactly how the loss of income is going to affect you both financially.
• If you’re able to support your partner while they find the right job instead of just the “right now” job, do it.
• Prepare yourself mentally. Getting any job is a stressful process that takes time and energy, and it helps to just be aware of what your partner is going through.
• Have patience and be empathetic to their situation. You’re both going through this together, but your partner is especially feeling the brunt of the blow.
• Do speak up about when you need to be heard — because your feelings matter just as much as theirs (this is one I need to work on).
• Try not to let the stress of the situation turn into rage toward each other. Actually talking through your feelings instead of pushing everything deep down will help out greatly with this.

Job loss is a hard, shitty thing for couples to go through. And as the only one who currently has a job, I’m feeling more pressure than ever. I feel like I have to be perfect in my day job and never mess up. I can’t put it at risk.

And — I feel the need to hustle on the side even harder.

But, then again, I feel the need to relax. To understand that right now, at the moment, we are OK.

My anxiety usually makes it impossible for me not to fret over every worst-case scenario. But, for some reason, right now I feel tough. Maybe that’s just the adrenaline running through me after what’s been an absolute batshit week.

Or maybe it’s the fact that, after all I’ve been through, I feel like this isn’t anything I can’t handle.

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