Stability In A Relationship Has Nothing To Do With Money Or Buying A House

“We’re not gonna open a Ma and Pa shop together.”

I fall in love with my girlfriend a little more each day.

Take how much I fall in love with her on a typical day and multiply it by like 1,000 to begin to understand how much more I fell in love with her the other day.

We ate dinner at a restaurant called Samosa House.

She had fun with the name — How can they call themselves Samosa House when they only have one type of samosa!? It’s difficult to argue with her. I mean it’s a vegetarian and vegan place, but there has got to be other meat-free samosa options beyond the traditional potato and green pea mixture.

Anyhow, as we ate she commented that a samosa restaurant that serves nothing other than a wide variety of samosas would do really well.

I agreed.

I told her somebody should take that concept and do it. However, I noted that somebody else should do it because —

We’re not gonna open a Ma and Pa shop together.

Like she often does, “guapa” took something seemingly insignificant and found deep meaning in it.

When we think of stability in a relationship, we tend to get all superficial.

Like, look at that couple. They have a nice house in a nice neighborhood with nice kids. They have two good jobs, two nice cars, and, fuck, they had an incredible wedding. Open bar. Dancing. We all envy that amazing honeymoon they incessantly cross-posted on Facebook and Instagram.

This could be a sign of financial stability (though not necessarily), however, it’s definitely not relationship stability.

You can do all of the above by yourself — OR with somebody you don’t even like.

It’s the American dream bullshit.

True stability in a relationship can come in many forms. You — and your partner — will define it in your own way, on your own terms. Based on the intimate elements of your connection and your hopes and dreams.

As my girlfriend and I discussed the notion of stability, we highlighted these key components as they relate to our individual preferences and desires alongside our ever-evolving partnership:

• Sharing the same — or super similar — outlooks on life, as it pertains to plans for the present and future.
• Support, Respect, Admiration.

When I made the we’re not gonna open a Ma and Pa shop together comment, guapa’s eyes lit up the way they do. She then riffed eloquently on the notion of stability.

She reflected on all-too-typical relationships, noting that recurring concepts of stability almost always tend to center around buying a house and settling down.

Claustrophobic. Suffocating. Limiting. Boring as fuck.

We agreed — both with massive smiles — that stability has little to do with these material indicators that tell the outside world we love one another and we’re going the distance. In fact, stability should not even enter the conversation in that context.

That’s not stability; it’s insecurity.

Stability in a relationship manifests itself between two people.

I feel stable because you share my outlook on life — and vice versa.

You don’t want to tie yourself down to a Ma and Pa shop. You want to live and travel. You want to get up and go. You want to live the life you want to live now — with as few restrictions as possible. I feel stable because I know you’re not going to try to tie me down to a boring life with the white picket fence and such.

I feel stable because there’s an air of support, respect, and admiration between us that we acknowledge and work hard to not only maintain but grow.

As guapa noted the other day in a text:

This makes me feel stable. This is stability in a relationship.

We don’t require some forced realization of whatever the hell the American dream is to strengthen our bond. Given how we view the world and our futures together, this path would weaken and ultimately break our bond.

You see it all too often. One partner wants multiple kids or to buy a house. The other is reluctant, but they go along with it — because compromise.

There’s a difference between compromise and compromising yourself.

When I write about making money decisions, I define compromise like this:

It’s just a choice you make in one area to get something you want more in another.

If you’re the partner who capitulates to buying the house (or whatever) you’re not compromising. You’re selling yourself out. Because you’re not getting something out of the deal.

It’s easy to think if I go in on buying the house, he’ll be happy and our relationship will flourish. Not so, particularly if you’re blowing off what you actually want your future to look like in the name of compromise.

This perception of stability has a great chance of breeding resentment — the true relationship killer.

This might sound selfish, given how our society tends to view relationships. However, it’s anything but selfish.

When you decide to go the distance with somebody, you’re ultimately giving them what they need from you and from the canopy of the relationship. The inverse absolutely needs to holds true.

It can never be a one-way street.

A sense of stability happens between two people. It occurs inside the relationship. In the places other people don’t see. Because it’s none of their damn business. You don’t require validation from the outside world to make you feel stable.

You create your own stability on the lines of a shared vision and excitement over living it out — in the day-to-day (that’s anything but mundane) and in the larger scheme of the experiences you’re having and long to have together.

To have found a person who took my Ma and Pa shop comment and elevated it several intellectual and emotional notches makes me happier than I will ever be able to express.

It was my way of saying, I don’t want to stay in one place with you, because we’re not the type of people who like to stay in one place, particularly at the points of life we find ourselves in. We are badasses. Now let’s go and act like it.

For both of us, the conversation reaffirmed what we already know.

We just make sense. Our love continues to grow unabated.

The stability we crave and enjoy springs from the conversations we continue to have about what we want from life, how we’re going to get it, and the environment of support, respect, and admiration we create for each other.