Sometimes Sadness is The Therapy We Need

In a culture where everyone strives to be happy, we tend to forget the healing nature of sadness.

I knew something horrible happened the moment I saw tears in Naomi’s eyes. She isn’t one to cry easily. I hugged her as tightly as I could, then she whispered with great hesitation, I have cancer.

Like a blow to my head, the news hit me. I instantly became weak. Shock and disbelief rendered me speechless. But this wasn’t about me, not now, at least.

As she wept in my arms, I tried with all my might not to break down too.

I had to remain strong for her, for me, for us.

We were best friends for over 20 years yet, and I couldn’t find a word to soothe her. So I sat there, rubbing her back. Like a rock, I remained firm, hoping my presence alone could console her.

I couldn’t tell her it would be okay, or things happen for a reason. Clichés like those seemed like insults, so we sat in silence until it was time for me to leave.

I don’t know how I was able to drive home, but I did. When I got back, I stared at the crucifix my parents put up in my apartment; it was a symbol of strength and hope. Yet at that moment, it ignited anger from deep within, like a beast in attack mode I gnarled, swore, and punched my sofa.

My voice escalated into a high-pitch of petitions and demands as I knelt before the crucifix: God, please, please, not my Naomi…. She has so much to offer the world.

As I pleaded and bargained with God, I remember imagining what might happen to her in the weeks to come. Scenes of my late aunt, who was afflicted by the same illness, crept into my thoughts.

I could see flashes of my once bubbly aunt slowly succumb to the illness, first her waist-long locks, then her body withered till she lost all movement ….. God, please, this can’t happen, not to her. Take me instead. Let me go through it, please. I want to be sick!…. I WANT CANCER DAMMIT!

I lowered my head and cupped my face, in a flash, I could see the moments we shared from childhood to adulthood.

A surge of overwhelming sadness took over, and I broke out in tears.

I wept for my childhood friend who became my sister, I wept for the career she worked hard for, the kids she hoped for …. I cried for a future that was so bright but now seemed bleak.

The Lord’s Prayer came to mind. Our Father, who art in heaven…I hadn’t said it in years. I hadn’t prayed in a long while, either.

At the time I needed to say it, I needed to pray, it felt right. So I prayed and cried till I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was better. The intense sadness was over. I remembered my plea to get cancer and found those words silly but comforting.

I remembered the anger I felt and knew it was an emotional reaction to the love I had for Naomi.

Unlike the night before, my mind was calm it was not cluttered with wishes and whats If’s. Instead, I felt relaxed. I could think clearly and process my pain.

As much as my sadness and grief were real, it didn’t change the diagnosis, but it altered how I dealt with it. Love and acceptance replaced the desperate feelings I had.

I was determined to be with Naomi not out of “fear of losing her,” but out of “the love I had for her.” And I could only get to that feeling state after allowing my emotions to work its way through.

I was with Naomi every step of the way. We created memories, crossed out a bucket list, tried different haircuts until it was all shaved off because of chemo.

She even lived two years longer than the date the oncologists predicted. It was a real miracle. Sadness was our saving grace; by the end of this article, you will understand why.

Sadness is considered a useless emotion, but is it?

Our society as a whole does not value sadness. We promote positivity and chase happiness.

Many still live by the mantra smile; everything will be okay, or there is no use crying over spilled milk. Such statements rob us of experiencing sadness.

And in moments when sadness overwhelms us, we rationalize it, downplay it, and often suppress it.

The “so-called enlightened” tell us we can’t manifest what we desire if we’re out of alignment, and sadness is a huge indicator…so what do we do? We adopt the fake it till you make it mentality.

Our inability to feel sadness has cut us from the world and robbed us of experiencing true happiness. Dr. John R. Schafer, a professor at Western Illinois University and retired behavior analyst, put it well.

Happiness is not a stand-alone feeling. Happiness is a comparative emotion. The measure of happiness a person feels is judged against the measure of sadness a person felt in the past. Without sadness, happiness has no meaning.

This is one of life’s greatest paradoxes.

We run from sadness in favor of happiness. Yet the only way to feel genuine joy and happiness is to feel the pain of sorrow.

The price we pay is our inability to cope with life. It’s evident by the surging depression, anxiety, and suicide rates. The World Health Organization announced that 264 million people suffer from depression, and many more go unreported.

This is a cry for help, for us to restore the balance. We can start by focusing on the root of our problem instead of medicating the symptoms.

Depression and anxiety are extreme versions of sadness. It’s extreme because we’ve never learned how to deal with little moments of sadness.

Remember when you expected something, and it didn’t happen -you felt sad but quickly brushed it off. Or the time you missed an opportunity -you talked yourself out of being sad. What about when your partner betrayed you -you used alcohol to numb the pain.

Well, guess what, you held back on grieving, and those feelings are still within you. Those repressed emotions are very damaging. They affect you, mentally and physically.

Scientists looked into the effects emotions have on the body. The results illustrated below are quite informative. Sadness affected the heart, lungs, and liver.

Biopsychosocial model of health has also linked various cancers to repressed emotions. We have to learn to feel. To welcome sadness when it arises so we can learn to let go and not drown in our emotions.

It’s time we embrace the therapy of sadness.

Perhaps your wondering where to start…well, when you feel sad, allow the emotion to work its way through. It’s honestly that simple.

You can also explore the landscape of sadness through art, music, and literature.

One of my favorite artists, Adele, does a great job of channeling sadness into a masterpiece. She pours heart out, bares it open for us to see.

Her songs remind us of the fragility of being human. Her sadness allows us to be authentic and vulnerable. It gives us comfort, so we know we are not alone. It heals her and heals us too. That is what happens when we allow our emotions to take over.

I bounced back from heartbreak by listening to her album 21. The track someone like you is still dear to me. The lyrics sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead still resonates with me nine years after its release.

There are countless songs, writings, and movies that deal with missed chances, loss, regret, and betrayal. They pull at our heartstrings and bring to surface our repressed feelings and emotion.

When my boyfriend left me, I cried for weeks. Country music helped capture my pain. Watching a movie about betrayal gave it life watching. I was relating, crying, and simultaneously processing my grief.

Remember that too much of a good thing is terrible; the same principle applies to sadness. Too much of it leads to self-pity, and too little sadness makes us insensitive.

The aim is to feel the pain, process it then release it.

Some pains, like the death of a loved, are more challenging to release. Such pain lessens with time.

Read that heartfelt novel, feel the melancholy of music, relax to the sound of a cello. Let it help you weep. Let it help you connect with your true self, your emotions. We need this now more than ever.

Life is becoming harder because we’re moving further away from our emotional compass. We’re distracted by social media, bombarded by cable TV, and consumed by work.

So when sadness awakens you to the reality of life, don’t fight it. Let the pain be therapeutic, have a good cry. Connect with your emotions. After all, denying them depletes the soul. Don’t you think it’s about time you felt alive?

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© Dona Mwiria August 2020