NON FICTION | ESSAY | SPEAKING BIPOLAR | WRITING | MENTAL ILLNESS

Sometimes I Regret Writing

The regrets are strong, but temporary…

I often have feelings of regret about my writing. I’ve had pieces posted where I almost instantly felt, what was I thinking?! The best example I can give is my post about being assaulted and losing a job over it. In fact that has happened to me twice. The idea of sharing my most difficult moments overpowers me, and I don’t think of the consequences.

But why should I regret sharing my traumatic moments in life?

And what are those consequences exactly?

I think it’s the feeling of being judged that fuels those regrets. It doesn’t always last for a long time, but it’s there. The decisions that led to those traumas were often made in a hypomanic or depressed state. So there is also an element of self-blame going on.

I become afraid that people will look at me and my writing differently. It’s that awkward moment where I feel like I’ve overshared about the events in my life. But in reality, there are no “consequences.” It just takes me a bit to get to that realization.

My trauma and mental illness actually add depth to my writing. I come at things from a different angle than most people. I think and see things differently.

“Coming out” about having Bipolar II disorder was a big deal for me. I’ve discussed having agoraphobia, PTSD and my eating disorder. But I’d never mentioned my hypomania and depression before. And those “consequences” I mentioned? They turned out to be great.

I had people comment who identified with me about my situation. And another called me “brave” for talking about it. I got to the point where I realized that it was kind of a brave thing I did. There is that stigma attached to Bipolar Disorder. And I can inform people of the realities of mental illness. Some people think that we are nuts or crazy. Whatever those terms mean!

My father had his struggles with Bipolar I disorder and Schizophrenia. He used to embrace the word “crazy.” He turned it into a positive message. Even on medication he had high highs; periods where he was incredibly productive and renowned in his field. In his eyes, he was “crazy brilliant.” And he was right. He chose to embrace his situation and make the best out of it. He wasn’t embarrassed.

That feeling of embarrassment is something I struggle with. I am often embarrassed by my disease. A disease that I didn’t choose and I can’t control. I often think, what is wrong with me?! The answer is simple. Nothing.

My mother also has Bipolar II disorder, and her perspective is quite different. Unfortunately it has fueled that desire to hide my truth. She believes that her medication has “cured” her. Of course we know that’s not the case. There is no cure, just management. And I know I’m not cured, so it makes discussing our shared illness basically impossible.

I know that having Bipolar Disorder will always influence my reality and my writing. I’m not cured, but there are things I can do to manage it. I can be open and honest with my Psychiatrist about how I’m feeling. I can take my medication on time and as prescribed. I can practice healthy living (which is a daily struggle for me.) And I can write about it.

Despite the temporary feelings of embarrassment and regret, writing about it really does help. And it’s not just about the comments, although they don’t hurt. It’s the process of getting my thoughts and experiences down on “paper.” It’s mostly about me, and that’s ok. It’s therapeutic, a catharsis occurs. And I get better each day, with every word I write.

Thank you for reading my story. I’d love to hear your opinions.

You can check out some more of my writing and follow me here. (She, Her) I am a writer and a freelance editor. I edit all genres, and I specialize in Romance. I write a little bit of everything, whatever is on my mind at the moment. Get an email when I publish a new story.