NONFICTION | SPEAKING BIPOLAR | MEMOIR | DEPRESSION | BIPOLAR DISORDER
My Initial Diagnosis: Bipolar II
What I wish I knew at the time…
November’s Prompt By Scott Ninneman: What is one thing you wish you knew when you were first diagnosed? Why?
I was diagnosed with Bipolar II in 2007. I wasn’t given much information at the time and I hadn’t learned the art of self-advocacy yet. And even if I had, I wouldn’t have known what questions to ask. I wasn’t able to identify which parts of my past behavior were Bipolar related. What parts of my life were “me” and what parts were the Bipolar Disorder?
I am currently in a state of depression and have been for over a year.
I’ve always experienced long cycles of depression and hypomania. Usually an episode of each per year. But they can go on much longer, as this one is now.
I don’t want to get out of bed or shower or take care of myself in anyway. Eating has even become a chore, which is different for me. I have Binge Eating Disorder as well. And eating used to be a joyous occasion. Until it wasn’t. the constant obsessing over food, and planning my next binge was even causing me problems at work. I was distracted all the time.
I miss my hypomania.
That may not be the most popular thing to say, but it’s true. As unhealthy as I am during my hypomanic states, they feel fantastic. I don’t require as much sleep, I feel great about myself and my prospects in life, and I am extremely creative.
My self-esteem is at a ten when I’m hypomanic. I take pride in my appearance and I have all sorts of ideas for projects. And for the most part, I am a joy to be around. Even though my speech may be more rapid, and I may seem all over the place.
I wish someone had told me that even on medication, and even with therapy, my symptoms would still be there.
I truly thought that taking medication was going to take all of my troubles away. I take it the same time every day. I have alarms set on my phone for the four times I have to take my meds. And the occasional slip up notwithstanding, I do pretty well at remembering to eat when I take them.
So, with all that said, I thought that taking my meds would be a cure-all. I thought that I would be “normal.” I really did. Not that I know what normal feels like, or even if it exists. I just know that how I’m feeling right now is not okay.
I also have severe Agoraphobia. I haven’t left the house in over a year. The two go hand in hand, depression and Agoraphobia. They work in tandem and feed each other.
Writing about this stuff is difficult.
Before I asked to join this publication, I had to think long and hard about whether or not I wanted everyone to know my diagnoses, specifically the Bipolar II. I’ve written about my eating disorder and Agoraphobia in the past, but I’ve intentionally avoided this specific topic.
For some reason it’s more personal. And there is a stigma attached that I’m still not over. A stigma that includes both society as a whole, and more importantly myself. I guess I haven’t learned how to accept it yet. And it’s been sixteen years. My journey is not, and probably never will be, over. Wish me luck!
Thank you for reading my story. I’d love to hear your opinions.
You can check out some more of my writing, and follow me here. (She, Her) I am a writer and a freelance editor. I edit all genres, and I specialize in Romance. I write a little bit of everything, whatever is on my mind at the moment. Get an email when I publish a new story.