Someone Slapped My Face With a Glove. I Have No Choice but to Retaliate…
A grammatical duel is in the cards — I fear victory will be mine, nay ours, and to the victor cometh the spoils.
MIND THE GAP
Obviously it is all done in the name of defending the Realm, and to restore honour to Her Majesty the Queen and ALL her plenipotentiaries.
My fellow MuskaRats I hereby inform ye, that a little known small pecker’d (by his own admission) writer made the rather absurd deduction, in the story tagged below.
I must confess that I did have the telescope the wrong way around when I made this claim.
In truth, he may be larger (and bigger) than I have led you to believe.
But fear not, we have the beating of him … so long as he does not invite the bloody French. In making his deduction, he has meanwhile trampled over the graves of Dickens, Shakespeare and Yeats, to mention but a few. And a few wenches too, which time doth not give me cause to include.
In my opinion, he should be “Gone with the Wind”.
Clearly he needs a history lesson in what came first — the chicken or the egg.
And the answer is NEITHER came first.
It was beautiful England that came first ! Here endeth today's lesson.
So I reply with the best diphthong of all when I say to the Doctor —
“Oi” Geezer, —
“Listen up matey. And listen up good!”.
“You can take your diphthong and stick it up your dipstick. Dip-shit. You got me”.
What we Brits have forgotten about English grammatical formation and style, that “other place” across the Pond has still to learn. Ye are all but one short step away from being plankton.
I give you, on a platter:
Town; Light; Play; Pair; Deer (as in you are in my headlights); Slow (as in mentally challenged to take us Brits on in this); Toy (as in I am toying with you); Sure (as in- “I am sure you no not from wenst you came”).
Deal with the diphthong’s.
We are not lazy by nature. We are happy to work with an extra “O” or “t’U” … we do not need electronic garage doors to ensconce us into the home. Walking, opening gates and writing are not chores.
Regarding your Pediatrics point — me thinks ye were nought properly weaned if ye thinketh thee can take us on in this subject matter.
The only extra “Z” I need are the zzzzz’s I took at the boredom at reading this DRIZZLE of DRIVEL.
And seeing as YE have slandered the good name of RULE Brittania, I expect compensation forthwith, so check your bank balance, and write me a check. Please ensure my CHEQUE is a cashiers check. Please check that your bank can issue a check that is a cashiers CHEQUE and take the checking SERIOUSLY, not just a lightheartedly inconsequential check, about the cheque.
I want to hear screeching of TYRES as you head for the bank. DO not stop or TIRE on your way, or stop to GRAB a coffee from STARBUCKS either, COLLECT your thoughts and go straight to the checking lady and inquire. Do not hit the KERB with your tyre either, curb your enthusiasm as you might be tiring as you go.
Take your eyeglasses with you, as you will need SPECTACLES to ensure the correct number of naughts is transcribed.
I hope I faucet you out of all your hard earned cash-a-rello’s as well. Do not let the taps drip, like the fecal matter you have transcribed in this poorly conjured piece.
Tidbits are not TITBITS. Tidbits do in fact not exist. Only a TITbit does. You FALL down magnificently here in the Autumn of your life. Your work is both TRASH and Rubbish. But I rubbish it’s validity, most definitely.
I hope you do not need a NAPPY, as you shit yourself with fear, as we have no diapers in our vocabulary. I GUESS ... When in fact “I suppose” would be preferable, and more correct.
A GUESS is a stab in the dark, to a question you do not have the answer to. Talking of stabbing in the dark — en garde whippersnapper!
Is your facial colOUr pale now, from embarrassment, or perhaps PAIL as the USA chooses just to be different. Unless of course the PALE is a PAIL made of ALUMINIUM and not aluminum or wood.
But fear not, this is all just
HUMOUR
but not humor, and a
LABOUR of LOVE — for I love thee mightily Doctor MIKE…You are magic. When’s open mic night ... by the way.
I leave you with this, from one of the USA’s most illustrious writers, Mr Stephen King. A man who has sold 350 MILLION books worldwide. And an American …
YOUR HONOUR … I rest my case with this final quote. In his book —
Stephen King on Writing,
Mr. King sayeth thus … (and I quote),
“American grammar doesn’t have the sturdiness of British grammar (a British advertising man with a proper education can make magazine copy for ribbed condoms sound like the Magna goddam Carta), …”. (end quote).
I strongly recommend its reading.
I hereby rest my case Your Honour.
To gaurav jain and Sally Prag — I have fought the good fight on our behalf. I hope you do not mind and that you put the coup de grace into our American friend. For no doubt he is wounded.
But in the MOST friendly possible way, of course. Us MuskaRats must stick together, one for all and all for England.