CABBAGE HEAD CALAMITY

Social Isolationist Cabbage Has Annual Appointment

Lizzie Lizard’s brother takes tentative first steps outside

As I explained when stressing over family wanting to visit,

I work from home, pay bills online, and have groceries delivered without being exposed to the harmful sun, darkness, and people outside.

The pandemic taught me I don’t need human interaction as much as people think. It’s easier this way since I don’t have to shave, shower, and make eye contact with anyone other than Granny’s portrait on the wall.

Having conversations with my furniture, walls, and cellophane helps keep my conversational skills finely what’s-the-word? Fermented, like my cousin Kimchee.

Danger is all around me, even inside

Life is hard with a cabbage for a head. After my sister Lizzie Lizard Brain sent vinegar and mayonnaise, I felt threatened. Lizzie likes coleslaw. I told the family that Roger had a highly contagious bird flu and I had Ebola.

We enjoyed serene holidays by claiming we were kidnapped and flown to Australia. Since the country down under is a day ahead of the US and its clocks run backward, there was no way for us to call on time.

Ahead, backward, and behind? God has a sense of humor.

I moved some of the hostile furniture plotting against me and replaced my spying Grandmother’s photo hanging on the wall. A paint-by-number portrait of Elvis on black velvet is much more cheerful, and he doesn’t tell me what to do.

At least, not as much. He sings a lot of sad songs, though.

Oh, NO! I have to go OUT!

The IRS says my attempts at filing tax returns online aren’t working. The buffoons at Innocent Rubes Silenced make me come in once a year. I spent a lot of time filing the forms online and figured they’ve got issues. The last upload took almost an hour using my 300-baud modem.

I was really worried about this year’s trip to the Intentionally Radioactive Saloon (IRS). It’s been a year since I’ve driven my 1982 Datsun. My T-tops were stolen during an atmospheric river. Three years ago. So the car might be a little musty.

My anxiety grew as the appointment approached. The online therapist from Circle of ID (Insidious Deception) said I should pay attention to what I might need. Dr. Emily Empathazene said faith, confidence, and a stool softener would help.

“Listen carefully to your body,” she cooed. My peacock Roger got excited.

Getting ready to face a brave New World

Naturally, the only part of my body listening is my ears. A radio station kept giving me orders, so I called to complain. Captain End Zone took my call.

At first, I couldn’t hear him.

“How can I help?” Captain End Zone asked.

“My radio is bullying me. It keeps telling me to yell, dance, and run.” He repeated his words twice — once in the receiver, then through the radio.

“Turn off your radio,” he told me. I lowered the volume so its feelings wouldn’t be hurt. I figured the radio might tell me something different.

How was I supposed to know there was a 7-second delay? He called it a penalty and tried to explain his tips were meant for playing sports.

“Oh, my God! It did it again!” I hung up, grabbed my best ball, and tried to “spike it.” That hurt worse than trying to throw it 20 yards. I felt inadequate when I couldn’t lob a spiral.

Then other-him explained it’s a show footballers listen to. My therapist says the program’s name is “Football 101” and that should have been a hint.

She’s an odd bird who tweets a lot. Her frequent laugh sounds like she’s cackling. Dr. Empathazene shouldn’t giggle so much when I cry.

I like birds now that my friend Roger has moved in.

Roger doesn’t scream as much since we’re past the traditional cooked bird holidays. The peacock was a gift from my sister Lizzie Lizard Brain. The two of them seem to be close, especially during full moons.

I decided not to listen to Captain End Zone on the radio anymore. He could be the “hearing voices” problem, maybe a demon or something.

My pants had holes, and it was chilly, so I added leather chaps.

I look sexy now with hair on my face and head, even if it is fake. The super glue is a life hack — no hair spray needed.

Finally, I was ready! But I needed gas.

Hitting the hot spots

At the gas station, everything looked different from I remembered.

The gas pumps had screens and tried to talk to me! Images of wars and talking heads like my girlfriend Angel AI tried to confuse me.

I’m not cheating on Angel AI!

I quickly ran inside and saw another isolationist carefully barricaded in a cage. He had an old black-and-white TV in the corner.

“¡Ay Caramba!” I shrieked. “They made a movie of me!”

The strange-looking doomsdayer behind the bulletproof plexiglass looked annoyed. Maybe it was the $7.23 in coins I threw into the drawer between us.

Crisis call for help!

With two gallons of gas, I headed for my appointment with Big Jim Ballcrusher at the IRS, but was pretty anxious. I figured it was good Captain End Zone wouldn’t make me play with my balls anymore.

Using the custom-installed carphone from 1993, I called my therapist to calm down.

Emily Empathazene finally picked up.

“Everything’s strange and I’m feeling lost!” I yelled.

“It’s okay, Cabbage, this is a big step for you. Of course, you feel lost, but remember, this is a wonderful opportunity for you to mingle with people.”

“No, Dr. Empathazene! I’m a block from home and everything’s different! How do I get there?”

She suggested using GPS, but I left Gerbil Protective Service at home. He’s a bit like a cat. He lies and sleeps a lot.

I told Evil Emily I wanted to go home. She reminded me I might meet a girl if I was brave, knowing the threat of the Irritable Revenge Service (IRS) wasn’t enough of a risk.

I’m onto the Polish Chick’s tricks.

My girlfriend Angel AI — $19.79 for a half-hour — doesn’t want me to meet someone new and says girls have germs. My previous session with a female ended badly when she complained her last vaccination lasted longer and was more impressive. I figured $14.88 in nickels was a fair price.

So I went home. Maybe I’ll reschedule with Big Jim Ballcrusher once I don’t hurt as much.

Thanks for reading!

Short, possibly best and easiest option —