Summary

The article provides a humorous guide to becoming an evil genius, emphasizing the need for a compelling backstory, a sinister accent, loyal but inept henchmen, a creative evil scheme, and a grand, albeit doomed, finale.

Abstract

For those considering the path of an evil genius, this satirical piece outlines key elements for success in the villainy arena. It suggests that a dramatic personal history is essential to justify one's villainous motives, while a menacing accent adds to the fear factor. The article also emphasizes the importance of surrounding oneself with faithful, though not necessarily competent, minions. A unique and elaborate evil scheme is a must, despite the likelihood of failure. The narrative concludes with the reminder that a memorable demise is part of the evil genius package.

Opinions

The article pokes fun at the stereotypical portrayal of villains in media, including their often-cliché backstories and accents.
It implies that evil plans are more about the journey and creativity than actually succeeding.
The piece humorously criticizes the predictable nature of evil characters' fates, suggesting that the enjoyment comes from the attempt rather than the outcome.
The satirical tone suggests that the author views the traditional role of an evil genius in fiction as somewhat formulaic and ripe for parody.
By mentioning the potential for imprisonment and referencing another article, the author playfully acknowledges that the pursuit of villainy is ultimately a fictional or cautionary endeavor.

So, You’re Thinking Of Becoming An Evil Genius?

Grab your cat and swivel around dramatically…

**Those eyebrows are higher than Snoop Dogg on 420** — Photo: What’s a geek?

Are you tired of the monotonous 9–5 slog?

Do people not pay much attention to you and your harrowing backstory?

Would you like to utilise your evil plans in a more creative environment?

Look no further, my friends. A career as an evil genius could be for you!

In this article, we’ll look at the best ways for you to start your journey towards villainous stardom.

Ready to talk about your plan for twenty-five minutes instead of shooting the hero straight away?

Well read on my friends, here’s exactly what you’ll need…

A Badass Backstory

**Puberty did not do Tom any favours whatsoever** — Photo: Bookstr

If you want to take over the world and build walls to keep Mexicans out you’re gonna have to have a backstory which has f*cked you up making you want to take revenge on the world.

If you’re just after money it’s a bit unoriginal. Anyone can be a villain and go after the dead presidents.

What’s your niche?

Did a wizard not die when you tried to murder him with your wand?
Did the Avengers get in the way of your pursuit for power?
Do you want to have it out with the easter bunny because he keeps getting you chocolate even though you’re diabetic?

Use that bitterness and get evil my friends.

A Sinister Accent

**Kenneth goes full Putin** — Photo: Movie Web

If you really want to unleash your appeal as a villain, you’ve got to have a menacing accent.

You need to lose your sh*t when MI5 gets one up on you. If you’ve got a lovely warm accent — that ain’t gonna cut it.

There is unfortunately an awful stereotype about villains having accents from certain countries. I mean come on guys I thought we were better than that?

So with this in mind, take time when learning your accent.

Don’t be Russian it.

Useless Cronies

**My only nemesis is being able to see up close** — Photo: Spotern

Being a super villainous master of destruction unfortunately also means you’re awful at recruitment.

As the most evil dude since the guy who banned people from doing cannonballs at the swimming pool — you don’t need people rivaling you for that coveted top spot.

This does mean you need loyalty though.

Loyalty… and the inability to aim a gun.

If the candidate displays all these skills in an interview environment then you’re onto a winner.

An Evil Scheme

**When you’re hungover and have 20 mins to get to work** — Photo: Youtube/Sony

If you want people to take you seriously as a villain then you’re really gonna have to get creative.

Are you going to try and corrupt the hero?
Are you going to buy laser pens in bulk and threaten to vaporise a Double Agent’s crotch?
Will you explain your whole devilish plan to the person you’re trying to kill as they secretly free themselves?

You’ll have all this to consider as you draw up your scheme which is almost certain to fail right at the last hurdle.

God loves a trier though.

The Grand Finale

**“Sh*t! This is quite high up actually!”** — Photo: Reddit

All evil villains end up with a not too pleasant demise.

Some of the following include:

Your crush in school who said they were too good for you got really fat and has to buy two seats on a plane now.
Falling a great distance from Nakatomi Plaza.
Getting shot in the head whilst trying to cut 007’s bollocks off.
Losing track of all the Horcruxes you made when a teenage wizard destroys them all so you end up turning into dust (bummer).
The school bully losing a rap battle they invited their whole family to.
The Tooth Fairy getting Gingivitis thus losing her credibility and her 5-star rating on Teeth4Cash.com

Best case scenario, you could end up in prison — luckily I have an article about that if you want to have the best experience possible behind bars:

The Prison Survival Guide For People Pleasers

“What are you in for?” — “Writing shite articles…”

medium.com

So just remember you’re here for a good time, not a long time — therefore be as evil as possible.

Thanks for reading my aspiring villains.

You can get back to interrogating that pesky secret agent now.