Summary

The article provides humorous advice for people-pleasers on how to survive in prison, emphasizing the importance of fear, friendship, and maintaining a positive social life.

Abstract

The "Prison Survival Guide for People-Pleasers" is a satirical piece offering tongue-in-cheek guidance for those who are naturally inclined to please others, suggesting that such individuals may struggle to adapt to the harsh realities of prison life. The article humorously acknowledges that while prison is an undesirable place for anyone, it can be particularly challenging for the overly nice, who may find themselves incarcerated for unexpected reasons, such as losing their temper in public. It advises on using fear as a tool for respect, the necessity of making friends with both inmates and guards, and even suggests hosting a cell party to improve one's social standing. The guide underscores the importance of adapting to the prison environment while maintaining one's sanity and potentially making lifelong friendships.

Opinions

The author implies that people-pleasers, who are typically non-confrontational and optimistic, are ill-suited for the aggressive and unforgiving nature of prison.
Fear is presented as a crucial survival strategy, with the author suggesting that even timid individuals should find ways to appear intimidating.
Making friends in prison is portrayed as essential for emotional support and survival, even if it means befriending those who may initially seem threatening or unsavory.
The article humorously suggests that maintaining a semblance of normal social activities, like hosting parties or making friendship bracelets, can help inmates cope with their circumstances.
The author lightly mocks the idea that prison life can be navigated successfully by those who are inherently kind and sociable, suggesting that even these individuals must adapt to their surroundings to survive.
The piece concludes with a satirical plea for the reader to share the author's Medium articles with their cellmates, highlighting the author's playful approach to a serious topic.

The Prison Survival Guide for People-Pleasers

“What are you in for?” — “Writing shite articles…”

“I know you murdered your last cellmate, but I think we’ll get on great“— Photo: HD Wallpaper

Prison is the last place humans want to end up.

Well there, or a Mexican restaurant with Donald Trump. We definitely won’t be asked back, and Donald never tips.

But yeah, prison would still be pretty bad. Murderers and bank robbers know what they’re getting themselves in for though. They fit in with the crowd. People-pleasers … not so much.

You know the type. Think Michael Scott in “The Office”. If you’re always like:

“Let’s try and please everybody and have a positive outlook on life”.

Prison probably isn’t for you.

Nice people can end up in prison for a range of reasons:

Maybe you were arrested for shouting abuse at an old lady taking too long paying for milk at the supermarket?
Maybe you finally punched that kid who was making too much noise on the plane when all you wanted was some shut-eye.
Maybe you offed that annoying nun at church…but they really had it coming.

Either way you’re now slammed up with “Razor Roy” as a cell-mate and potential love interest.

What should you do?

Fear Factor

My beautiful Tinder match — Photo: Gizmodo

That’s right guys — fear is everything in prison. Are you quite timid and shy around people? Well never fear, some of these tips should help.

Dress up as a scary witch (see my Tinder match above) and hide in the corner of the yard to give your fellow inmates a jolly good fright.
Assert dominance by not saying “thank you” when offered a contraband cigarette.
In the gym, do your squats right in front of the mirror so everyone knows not to mess with you and your Kim K butt.

Make Friends

The new Pirates of the Caribbean movie looks great — Photo: NBC/Refinery 29

It can get lonely in the slammer. Especially with only Razor Roy for company. That’s why it is so, so, important to make friends.

It could be the nice man in the gym beating someone to death with a weight, the dinner lady with three teeth, or even the warden who only told you to “f*ck off” twice yesterday.

Some of these friendships will last a lifetime. Which is probably quite useful if you’re serving a life sentence. You can kill those lonely hours and flourish in a prison environment with a new jail bestie.

Here are some things you could try with a prison pal:

Make friendship bracelets for each other.
Play hide and seek together — until one of you is so good at hiding that the guards raise the alarm.
Play spin the bottle and stay up late talking about your crushes.

Also, don’t look your potential new brother from another mother directly in the eye.

They’ll probably murder you.

Host a cell party

“Okay Will, I’m going to do some stand-up. Don’t slap me, okay? — Photo: NBC/YouTube

It’s Saturday night and that means only one thing — it’s party time! Yeah I know you’re locked up right now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun!

Round up all your friends — Razor Roy has cards, one of the wardens said they can smuggle you a bottle of White Zinfandel, and you have your charming social skills. If that’s not a party, then I don’t know what is.

Do you still need some prison party tips? Don’t you worry, Mr. Inmate. I’ve got you covered! Why don’t you:

Catch up with old cell-mates you haven’t seen in a while. Even “Crazy Carl” who tried to strangle you in your sleep last week.
Play “Shag, Marry or Kill” until someone gets shagged, married, or killed.
Discuss the social and economic ramifications of COVID-19 and how global markets can recover from the pandemic.
Make sure everyone has enough dip.

Your sentence is up!

When you realise the budget hotel you booked looks a lot different in real life — Photo: Warner Bros./Gables Cinema

So what’s the verdict? Does prison sound awful? Or is it made out to be a lot worse than it actually is? Will your nice, kind personality flourish around Razor Roy and Crazy Carl?

It’s a tough one to call.

But what have we learnt? Well…

Make friends with the guards so they can smuggle you fine wines.
In the prison gym, squat like your life depends on it.
Take good care of your friendship bracelet.

Thanks for reading guys and make sure to tell your cell-mates about my Medium articles. I need the money.

Seriously. Tell them.

I’m broke.