Boy Band Banter

So, You Want To Join A Boy Band?

Your 15 minutes of fame starts…in 15 minutes.

Congratulations — you’ve just dyed your hair blonde!

You are now wondering what to do with your summer as you look like the personification of the 90s. A bit of a pickle indeed.

Never fear, because I have the perfect solution.

Join a boy band!

“But Adam, I can’t sing?! How can I possibly be in a boy band?”

Oh, guys don’t worry. The last thing you need to be able to do in a boy band is to sing!

To be honest, most groups heavily discourage it.

So what does it actually take to be famous for jumping around on stage with sh*t hair?

I am so glad you asked.

Sob Story

If you want to make it big in the pop-group world you’ll need to have a harrowing backstory so people can feel really sorry for you. That’s of course how you can therefore make sh*tloads more cash.

I’ve listed some examples of great depressing stories you can use to gain a good fanbase:

• Your goldfish died when you accidentally sat on it as a child
• You used to sing in your youth — before you started shagging loads and had 50 kids and had to stop following your dreams
• You were raised by wolves in a nearby forest and you couldn’t speak any English until last summer

Damn, I’ve got a tear in my eye just reading those.

(No) Sense of Style

Being in a boy band doesn’t mean having a poor taste in style. It means having absolutely no taste in style whatsoever.

You actually think boy bands pick out their own clothing? Nah. They’re too stupid. Which is precisely why you love them. And also why they get specially trained staff to pick out their clothes.

Seriously though. Who dresses these people?

If you are insistent on dressing like the ultimate boy band member then you will need the following:

• Jacket 10x too big for you
• As many unnecessary zips and pockets as possible
• Baggy jeans that you always end up tripping over
• As many fluorescent colours as humanly possible.

Get these items of clothing in the summer sale and you’ll be straight behind that microphone miming the lyrics to a song that you don’t know the words to.

Popular Tunes

You’re going to need some big hits if you want the world to start hysterically screeching your name and notice how untalented you are.

Don’t know where to start? Well as an expert at being untalented — I am here to help.

I’ve taken the liberty of drafting up the core ingredients that make a hit song for an up-and-coming boy band:

• Make a rebellion song along the lines of ignoring your parents and staying up past 9 pm on a school night.
• Ensure you can all mime the lyrics to every song when you’re on stage. Especially the ones you ripped off.
• Make a video of you all on a beach looking sad and singing about how hard it is to be a middle-class teenager.

Get that white suit dry cleaned fellas. Pop stardom is just around the corner.

A Generic Conclusion

We’re now all ready to join a boy band. What a glorious moment.

So what have we learned about being in a group of boys that use their mouths together?

• If your goldfish died when you were a kid, you can make money out of this emotional distress.
• Get someone to dress you so your fans will think you’re really stylish. And not at all generic.
• Rebellion songs will make parents and schools detest you.

Powerful stuff.

You’ve got the tips from the expert, now it’s time to pursue your dream of being like every other boy band that’s ever been. Ever.

Grab that mic. Put on that pink hoodie with no sleeves. And mime to your heart’s desire.

Here’s to that one-hit wonder which will pay the bills for the next twenty-five years.

Good luck! Because, with that hair, you’re going to need it.

PS. If boy bands aren’t for you and you’d rather take over the world instead, read this shiz below.