So You Say You Want a Passionate Partner

But actually…you don’t

If there was one thing my former partners all had in common, it was how immediately enraptured they were with my passion at the beginning of our relationships. They commented on how much they loved how deeply I cared for other people and the world. They appreciated my hunger for intimacy and honesty. And they definitely loved my deep desire for sexual exploration and fulfillment — my own and my partner’s.

But there always seemed to be a pattern that this would follow:

1. They fell under a spell when they liked the depth of passion they saw in me.

2. They almost obsessively pursued me.

3. We had passionate sexual or psuedo-sexual encounters.

4. Their attention started to cool for reasons that were not apparent to me.

5. My partner began expressing overt frustration and annoyance at my passionate personality in every area of our relationship except for sex.

I finally started realizing that many men are deeply attracted to passionate women. They know that passion will equate to their fulfillment in the bedroom and therefore, find it to be a desirable trait.

But when it also means that a woman wants to have passionate conversations about work, friendship, conservation, hobbies, family, politics…suddenly, it’s not so attractive. When it means a woman gets angry when she reads the newspaper, when she gets emotional about her relationship, when she’s sentimental or sad, suddenly, that passion is a huge inconvenience.

If a woman’s passion manifests as a blow job or uninhibited doggy style fucking, it’s embraced. But if it requires emotional, social, or spiritual engagement outside of sexual interactions, then it’s just plain annoying.

Interestingly, I often see this manifest in the opposite direction for women. I know so many who love a passionate man — except in the bedroom. Many women long for a man of passion, who engages with his community, who energetically defends his beliefs, who expresses his love with grand gestures. Yet they often don’t want this same level of passion to manifest in sexual interactions.

They say he wants sex way more often than she does, or he wants to do things in the bedroom that are far outside her comfort zone, or she’s uncomfortable with the aggressive way he expresses his sexuality, or she’s just tired and doesn’t feel sexual anymore… There are a million reasons why a woman wants less passion in the bedroom — and a million reasons why she has those reasons (including the sexual shame so many women carry, our lack of sexual agency, not knowing how to achieve sexual fulfillment, etc.).

In the end, the result is the same: so many of us want a passionate partner, but only if that passion is relegated to areas of our relationship in which we welcome passion.

Passion: (noun) a feeling of intense enthusiasm towards or compelling desire for someone or something

A person can be passionate about very specific things without being a passionate person.

But a passionate person is passionate, in general. A person with emotional depth and a hunger for connection and intimacy cannot, by definition, deconstruct and compartmentalize their feelings.

So when we say we want someone with passion — well, that’s a full package deal. It’s a combo meal and there’s no sense in complaining about the soda that comes with the burger when we really weren’t thirsty — because in order to get the burger, we have to take the drink, too.

Personally, I love a passionate man — in all ways. I love a man with a passion for his hobbies, for politics, for his spiritual endeavors, for family, and yes, I adore a man who has a passion for sex.

I get it, though — it can be intense. It can be hard. People’s passions, like their sexual appetites, rarely sync up perfectly. It’s a challenge when he’s overwhelmed with passion and desire and I’m not — or vice versa.

And when it comes to where we channel our passions, things can get sticky. It’s not likely we’ll share all the same passions — in fact, I think it’s lucky when couples share even a handful. Listening to your partner talk about their passions that you don’t share can be so boring, it makes your eyes water.

But here’s the deal: A passionate person is multidirectionally passionate. If you say you want a passionate person, then you’re going to have to accept all their passions — not just the passions that align with your own.

Don’t try to get around this by finding a woman who’s only passionate in the bedroom. We’re not here solely for your sexual fulfillment.

Don’t look for a man who’s only passionate about family. He’s not here to fulfill your dream of the fantasy husband.

If you want someone who’s passionate in one area of life, you’re likely to find that they’ll be passionate in many ways. When we try to compartmentalize the passion of the people in our lives, I think this reflects our general discomfort with passion.

The truth is, it is hard to live in this world with a passionate soul. Our culture dismisses passionate personalities as overly emotional and unreasonable (again, unless you’re talking about passion in the bedroom, in which case, our culture lauds it).

And more importantly…passion makes you feel deeply and it’s very hard to allow ourselves to feel deeply in a world full of injustices, racism, sexism, hatred, and violence.

It feels so much easier to assume a position of apathy, except in moments where it feels safe to express ourselves in very particular, culturally-acceptable ways.

It feels so much easier to try to control and contain our partner’s passion, which helps us feel just a little less out of control.

It feels so much easier — no, it is so much easier — to express disapproval at a partner’s unwanted passions so we don’t have to work at opening up our own hearts or giving emotional energy to someone else.

If you want a passionate partner, you have to accept all the passion that they have — not just the passion that fulfills your romantic or sexual fantasies.

© Yael Wolfe 2019