“So, I Don’t Look Beautiful Every Day?”
How to successfully assassinate your relationship
The bell rings and I buzz my boyfriend into the building. Leaving the front door slightly open, I skurry into the candlelit living room and pour us both a glass of wine. I’m fresh out of the shower and have thrown on something relaxed, and casually sexy—not just for him, but because I like how it makes me feel.
Boyfriend enters, smiles, and leans in for a kiss.
—You look beautiful!
—Thank you!
I kiss him back.
—I mean…you do look beautiful every day…I just…
Placing my right index finger over his lips, I look into his eyes and smile:
—Sssshhhh! No need to clarify. I get it. Thank you for the compliment!
He lets out a sigh of relief.
Why did my partner feel like he had to explain his compliment? Why the need to justify?
—Do people actually do that? I ask, dumbfounded. Have you really had enough experiences where women abnegate or challenge compliments that you’ve defaulted to following up with a disclaimer?
—Jeez, you have no idea… he responds.
He proceeds to tell me about the multiple times when he’s sincerely attempted to compliment a lover or girlfriend only to be met with a response like, “oh, so I don’t look amazing all the time?”—and, how ending up in arguments like this made wary of voicing the compliments in the first place.
He tells me he’s happy that I don’t do those things; that I don’t play games or start unnecessary fights.
—Why the hell would I?
Why the heck would anyone pick fights—on purpose?
I believe we pick fights for the same reason we pick fast food over home-cooked meals, Blockbusters over the Criterion collection, and tabloids over the great classics: We’re lazy! A quick stab at someone gets our point across fast and gives a sense of instant gratification—but leaves us empty and unfulfilled. Aware that we’re caught in a destructive cycle, we’re still addicted and lack the tools to get out.
Effectively communicating our needs, wants and desires, as well as our hurts and disappointments — without causing more pain — takes a ton of discipline, practice, and hard work. It also requires a level of self-awareness that many are not willing to invest in acquiring—or they’re too scared to face themselves.
Those of us committed to nonviolent communication, on the other hand, learn that compassion gets us way farther than quick boosts of aggression, and that, while it might take more work initially, it makes our lives smoother in the long run.
I’m no relationship expert, but I do have a knack for keeping things harmonious. Besides being a peace-loving individual, too much turbulence distracts me from everything else that I’m trying to accomplish. Not only am I too old for drama; it bores me.
I’ve always had this tendency: As a teen, I became nicknamed ‘the peacemaker’ by my friends due to my relentless attempts to create open communication and rationalize our disagreements rather than fight over them.
Every personality test I’ve taken since puts me in the category of diplomat.
A drama-avert, who also knows the importance of standing up for myself to relay my wants and desires, I pick my words, my timing, and my battles wisely.
Surely, having experienced my fair share of destructive communication, I also know how to pick fights — if I want to do. That part’s easy. It’s so easy in fact, that I can give you a step-by-step manual to deteriorate any relationship:
The quick and dirty guide on how to assassinate your relationship
Always assume the worst.
If your partner tells you that you look beautiful tonight, assume that this means that they think you’re an ugly hag the rest of the time.
“Everything you can imagine is real”, said the infamous surrealist Pablo Picasso. To add a healthy (or rather an unhealthy) dose of surrealism to your relationship, apply this logic to everything your partner says and does, especially when it comes to anything negative.
They didn’t message you on time? Assume it’s because they were too busy messaging someone else. They were late from work? They must be cheating! They forgot something? They never think about you.
It’s easy: Whatever the worst possible interpretation or outcome of a situation could be, picture it vividly and accuse them of it before they have a chance to explain.
Tell them what they’re thinking and feeling.
This classic verbal abuse and manipulation technique allows you to decide what your partner is thinking and feeling, and leaves no room for them to defend themselves.
Continuing from the last point; when you’ve imagined the worst possible scenario, present it to them, tell them how they feel about you based on your observation and refuse to hear anything else.
When my partner’s ex told him “you never post any pictures of us on social media. You’re hiding our relationship from the public because you’re ashamed of me!”, she imagined the worst scenario and decided how he felt about her. When he explained that this was not the case and that he didn’t upload photos because he barely uses social media whatsoever, let alone to post personal pictures, she refused to hear it.
Project your issues onto them.
In the example above, the girlfriend had never posted any pictures on social media either. Was it perhaps she that had insecurities about the relationship? Whatever it was, the issue most likely sprung from her own fears and insecurities than anything.
Projection allows you to take your own issues and worries, and point them onto someone else without taking personal responsibility. Instead of divulging your concerns to your partner, you insist that your issues are in fact their issues.
Are you having doubts about the relationship? Tell your partner that they’re not into you. Are you not taking enough initiative? Tell them they never make the first move. Are you secretly chatting with someone online? Accuse your partner of having an emotional affair.
Basically, accuse your partner of the very thing that you’re doing to them. It’s not only mean, it’s a total mind-fuck.
Always say never.
Use absolutes whenever you can, especially when pointing out something your partner either does too much or too little of.
“You never compliment me!”. “You always leave your socks on the floor!”. “You never buy me flowers!”. “You’re always late!”.
Take all of your assumptions and projections and emphasize them with absolutes for added effect.
Don’t check-in with yourself.
If something your partner does or says upsets you, never attempt to think about why and how that is. Don’t reflect on your own triggers, insecurities or past wounds to see if anything could be coloring the way you experience the situation.
Soul searching is for hippies and you know better: It’s not you, it’s them.
Expect your partner to be a mind reader.
Never tell your partner how you really feel—or what you want and desire in a relationship. That’s far too easy. Instead, expect that they simply know this. Tell yourself that if they truly love you, they should figure you out to the point where they can practically crawl into your head and read your every thought.
Failure to do so will be punished by withholding of affection.
Hold them responsible for your well-being.
If you feel bad in any way, it must be your partner's fault and therefore also their problem to fix—preferably by using their magic telepathic abilities.
Stop working on yourself. You’re their job now. Hobbies and passions? Ditch them and make your partner your only source of fulfillment. And who needs friends when you have a boy-friend. They’re now your EVERYTHING!
Give them the silent treatment.
When all else fails, clam up and shut them out of your world. Don’t let them back in until they’ve suffered sufficiently and their time in solitude has allowed them to finesse their mind-reading skills enough to come up with the perfect way to pay their dues, preferably in the form of some wildly romantic gesture that is exactly what you imagined–and simultaneously a complete surprise.
There you have it: Your own foolproof plan for relationship sabotage. Now, go trample all over that precious thing!
(…)
Or, if you’re in a loving relationship that you want to maintain, and you’re someone who cares, not only about your partner and their precious time and energy but about yours too, I’d recommend, of course, to do the exact opposite of the points above.
How to build and nurture a loving relationship
A solid relationship is based on trust and requires a ton of open and honest communication. Though they’re worth it—with the right person—they’re not always light and easy. Sometimes they even demand that we give our partners the benefit of the doubt and choose to believe that they want the best for us, rather than assuming the worst.
Good communication requires that we listen openheartedly, without making assumptions and projections, even when we’re triggered. In a healthy union, we work on ourselves and try our best to understand our own wounds in order to communicate them to our partners. This way we can work on healing and protecting each other.
Healthy relationships are founded on the knowledge that we’re responsible for our own happiness first and that no one person can be everything for us, whatever that means to each of us. Your significant other may be the frosting and the cherry on top, but you’ve got to bring the cake-base to the party.
Those who find themselves in these sound relationships don’t make accusations based on their insecurities but talk to their partners about them instead.
These people also don’t ruin a perfectly sweet compliment by asking whether they looked ugly yesterday. Instead, they say thank you. Perhaps they even tell their partner that their ass looks hot in those jeans, which they, in turn, accept without thinking that their butts look flat in all other jeans.
See how nicely that works?
These people don’t do that shit, because they value themselves and others alike. Instead of stewing eggshells and laying landmines, they create safe havens where love is free to blossom.
