The Best Way to Avenge Your Abusive Ex

Sometimes the best revenge is none at all

If you’re looking for the best way to make your abusive ex’s life a living hell—if you wish to sabotage or even cause them harm, or you’re out to give the narcissist from your past a piece of their own medicine—I’m afraid you must look elsewhere.

If you, on the other hand, seek peace of mind, heart, and soul—while doing the absolute worst thing you can do to a narcissist—you’ve come to the right place.

Do nothing!

Yep, that’s it: Do zip. Zero. Nix. Nada.

Do absolutely nothing at all—to them.

Instead, take all of that delicious, juicy energy and direct it towards yourself.

While some say it’s sweet, others claim it’s best served cold; the sour ice cream that is revenge is chased by a bitter aftertaste.

The best way to get even is to live well—it is to be the very best version of yourself that you can be!

Of course, you’re angry!

Anger is a normal and healthy feeling, as well as a natural reaction to what you’ve been through. It’s even fine to rage, scream, throw stuff or pull your hair.

I’ve done all of those things (on my own and in private).

I’m sure you too can list an unending number of things you’re justifiably angry about. I’ve written about them in past articles, which is a wonderful and cathartic way to process that I highly recommend.

Don’t let them have it.

What you don’t want to do is direct your anger at them, because that requires energy, and you’ve already given them enough of that precious stuff.

Instead, you want to take the anger and transmute it to something that is useful to you.

Like an alchemist turning base metals to gold, your anger can become fuel to incite you.

A dear reader commented on my article about the allure of the narcissist, asking me:

—How do you handle the vast expanse of life that’s left ahead of you?

Her words broke my heart. They also got me all fired up:

—Goddamnit, they’ve already taken so much, don’t let them have any more! This is your life, now. Please, go live it with everything you got.

I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. It’s not! I’ve been transmuting and reclaiming my life through a strenuous three-year process, and I still have work to do.

Everything I’m about to list is easier said than done, but remember, you’re no stranger to hardship. You’ve got this!

Let it go.

I used to say the exact thing to my ex when he got upset over the most trivial of things. Once, a random bus driver was rude to him for no reason and he fretted about it for weeks, maybe months.

Every time I told him, “let it go already!”

When you let other people’s actions affect you negatively; when you allow them to change your mood and get you down, you give them your energy.

Since your energy is part of you, you are, per definition, giving them a piece of yourself. Don’t!

Say after me, or put the darn Frozen theme song on repeat:

Let it go, let it go… Let it go, let it go… Let it go (go, go, go go, go go, go go, go, go, go go)

And so on, and so forth…

Remember; they’re already suffering. You don’t have to.

The rude bus driver that insulted my ex was either having a shitty day, or he happened to be a wretched person who wanted others to suffer too. This is how miserable people work.

Narcissists and abusers, just like lurking internet trolls, are sad, bitter and tortured souls. They likely project a different image to the world, as that’s part of their game. You know better.

You don’t need revenge because they’re already perpetually tormented by their own malady.

Instead, be thankful that you’re not like them!

Become a rock.

Unless you absolutely have to stay in touch, cut all contact. If you can’t, keep communication to a minimum. Again, give them nothing.

This approach is referred to as ‘the grey-rock method’:

The grey rock method is a practice where an individual becomes emotionally non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock. Emotional detachment serves to undermine a narcissist’s attempts to lure and manipulate, causing them to grow uninterested and bored. — Source

Now, whenever I facilitate skype calls between my daughter and my ex, I don’t say anything other than the bare minimum. When he asks me how I am: “I’m fine” and I don’t ask about him in return. I’m super lame (on purpose). I also don’t care.

I’m a rock, darn it!

Clean house.

When I say ‘clean house’, I don’t just mean the physical objects in your home, but your mental and virtual space as well: Unfollow, unfriend, untag, unmatch, delete, block— be ruthless!

It took me a year after my ex moved out until I cleared out most of their remnants and almost the same amount of time before I changed my relationship status on social media. (I know…)

In the beginning, while digesting the breakup, I felt like I had ‘lost face’; I was ashamed to have ‘failed’ at the whole ‘marriage-thing.’ Tidying was, therefore, a heavy psychological journey to embark on.

But, once I got started I was unstoppable and immediately felt a weight lifting. Turning everything upside-down and inside-out, no nook or cranny was left untouched. The photos and relics in boxes under my bed, that I’d slept on top of this whole time, went up in flames. Literally.

Then, like a Phoenix, I rose from the ashes!

Find your voice.

If you’ve been living with abuse, especially of a verbal and emotional nature, you’ve held your tongue and screened your speech for a long time. Your voice has become suppressed and, chances are, your throat chakra is blocked.

In the process of leaving my ex, I developed an overwhelming urge to take up singing and signed up for voice lessons. Strangely akin to an alternative form of psychotherapy, I left each class feeling both emotionally drained and light as a feather.

Soon thereafter, I started performing my stories and even won a few storytelling slams. These uplifting experiences of using my voice were part of what brought me to start writing fulltime.

Looking back, these were intuitive acts of self-healing. I was mending my own throat chakra.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse involves teaching yourself to speak, loud and clear, without a filter, and learning to trust that you are safe to do so without getting punished.

What you do to clear your blockage matters less; just get that voice flowing one way or another.

Make art.

The myth of the tortured artists says that “all great art comes from suffering”. While I don’t believe that it’s necessary to be in pain to make good art, we can’t dismiss that some of the most prolific masters in history were often working through some pretty heavy stuff.

Creation can be a tool in the alchemic process of turning trauma to ‘gold’. Become a creatrix (or creator): Feed your pain, and all of your other dark feelings into the creative machinery to make something of beauty and substance.

Not only could your art be healing you—it may help others as well.

Reconnect with your sensuality.

Rediscovering the power of my own sexuality was a huge step in my personal revival and I’ve met countless others who’ve discovered their previously abeyant potential in similar ways.

Your voice is only one part of you that needs some TLC after what you’ve been through. Now that you’ve patched up your leaks by no longer giving the narcissist your energy, and cleared your throat, you want to nurture and revitalize your libido’s flow through your system.

If you’re interested in the connection between creative and sexual energy, and how to direct it, I’ve published a longer piece about that here.

A note to all the women: There’s a reason why our sexualities have been tied to all this shame throughout history: We’ve been living under patriarchy, which clearly sees its potency and has, therefore, done everything to quench it.

A woman connected to her power is fierce and fearless.

Learn to love again

I know, this one’s hard! Your darling heart has been dragged through the dirt and tramped on—it may even have been shattered into a million pieces. It’s understandable that you’d want to lock that precious beating muscle right up and keep it safe.

I’ve been there and done that as well.

For a while, as you mend, you may want to thread with care, but, at some point, you’ll feel the need to become soft again. Now, you’ll get to the unblocking of your heart chakra.

Relearning to love after abuse takes patience and trust, and you don’t need a romantic partner to flex that muscle. Start with close friends, family, and yourself first.

With your newfound wisdom, and the ability to spot the narcissist from the crowd, you’re equipped with the prowess to find people who will love you for you. You’ll learn that love shouldn't hurt.

You’ll learn to love again.

Create your own success.

Success is many things, and it means something different from person to person. No matter what success is to you—now’s the time to go get it!

If you’ve done all the unblocking and redirecting of energy while becoming a rock to the narcissist. If you’ve cleared your space, found your voice and a creative outlet—while starting the process of connecting with your sensuality, and learning to love—you’re already doing pretty amazing. You are already successful.

If you, beyond that, dare to reach out for your wildest dreams, or whatever your idea of success is, you have officially avenged your abuser—without as much as looking in their direction.

‘Revenge’ doesn’t get much sweeter than that!