Skolcrod’s Human Junkfood Guide

An alien foodie ranks Earth human snacks

Hi, fellow intergalactic travelers! It’s your favorite foodie from Kaoma Mundoni 9, Skolcrod. I come laden with Earth food tips to share with you as we continue this planet’s destruction.

I love pure organic food with the oxidants screened out, but sometimes it’s nice to just grab some junk food and cram it into your maw. There’s nothing like eating a decadent creature that contaminated itself with harmful substances or activities to set off my tortulns!

My old grandska back on Kaoma Mundoni 9 always gave us broodlings some real comfort food. My favorite from those times were the Centaurian eye puffs. You just can’t get them anymore now that we destroyed their entire civilization, which might be a good thing. After eating an entire flanton of it every revol, I was getting quite a bulge around my gut sack!

Remembering how my ‘ska prepared all those Centaurians helps me in my culinary journey. I went out and located the best human junk food and devised recipes for each.

Here’s what’s on my new Earth supplied comfort food menu. I’ll be storing plenty of these in my larder so I can enjoy them long after we utterly destroy this ecosystem and move on.

All of these humans go with hot sauce as well as dried fromblog podlings ever did. You can find my hot sauce recipe in the onboard ship’s archive as always.

Tobacco Smokers

These tasty morsels do all the work for you. They spend their energy on finding and smoking little rolled up bits of tobacco. and slacking off. This does such a good job of seasoning the meat that hardly any more preparation is required.

Smokers are really easy to find. In many locations they aren’t allowed to enjoy their smelly habit inside, so they exit buildings and stand around the doors. It makes them easy pickings for a well aimed tractor beamulator.

I love to dip them in Centaurian brain stem mustard and then roll them in sea salt. Next I dry them on a large rack in front of the antimatter fluxeratron. Just flip them every few hours to make sure they desiccate evenly.

They will crunch in your maw with just the right amount of resistance. The salty, smokey flavor will flood through your tortulns and set off quite the moist secretion!

For a different twist, find humans that smoke cannabis. These “weed” smokers are a little oily and don’t dry as fast, but they can give you a little bit of a buzz in the extremities.

Don’t bother with “vapers” and their little vape devices. The only thing that gets infused is the lungs, which have a sad, artificial taste. Real smokers use herbs, which add so much depth to the flavor.

Tanning bed humans

I found out that humans enjoy being slowly toasted over a period of years. You can see them congregating on stretches of boring sand by water, especially salt water. This subset of human does all of the work for you, spreading sauce on themselves and cooking each side to a tasty red or brown color.

Some of them like it so much, they created “tanning beds” for times when they aren’t able to lie on the ground and let their star’s radiation slowly weaken the molecular bonds in their DNA.

These tanning beds do an excellent job of adding tasty genetic abnormalities that accumulate in their skins. With the right preparation, you end up with a delightful crescendo of pure decadence. I prefer tanning bed humans to solar radiation humans, but I urge you to try both. It’s definitely easier to catch them in large numbers when they lie defenseless on sand without clothes.

Tanned humans turn into an amazing desert that you will be ready to sell your third arm for. You’ll need several humans and a few Largos of honey. We still have some of that sweet fromblog honey left on board. When we run out we will have to make do with whatever we can find at Trader Joe’s. The recipe for Tanned Human Honey Crisps is in the ship archive waiting for you!

Drinkers

This is a pretty large group of humans. It’s easy to find them in every part of their planet. These creatures love to make and consume alcohol, which is great news for us.

Look for large groups that gather after dark and participate in dancing. These gatherings are almost guaranteed to involve alcohol consumption in large amounts. Watch for any leaving the cluster who have trouble walking and stumble around. Some might stop to discharge through their maw behind garbage receptacles in back alleys. Use the tractor beamulator to gather them up.

Humans full of alcohol taste divine, no matter how you prepare them. If you don’t have time to wait for one of these parties to form, you can marinate any humans you have in the pantry in some Mundonian synth-whiskey for a few days.

Morbidly obese humans

I saved the best for last. Finding the largest, juiciest humans will give you a chance to really taste what this world has to offer for junk food.

Many humans enjoy gorging on their own kind of junk food, like “potato chips”, “burgers”, “hot wings” and “beer”. Some of them plump up nicely. After they gain enough internal fat, they’re ready for the grill.

I have my recipe for Skolcrod’s Sweet Beast Barbeque Sauce if anyone needs a good sauce to coat your morsels in before cooking. But you might prefer to try them with a light dusting of garlic powder, black pepper and salt and put them on the grill at high temperature.

Sear them quickly to blacken the skins before lowering the heat. Flip them every 4 minutes until juices start to run clear. If you like you can check the internal temperature, but I like them medium rare so I just make sure the outside is cooked and they’re ready for masticulation.

Stay away from the junkies

Based on the name, you might think junkies would make good snacks. They don’t.

I ate one batch of human junkies, and what a downer that was. I was disorientated, sweaty and couldn’t shut my maw. The moist secretion discharges were sour and sticky. I was manic and organized my entire creche twenty times before exhaustion made me pass into a 28 hour sleep.

When it finally wore off, the drymaw and skull cramps took a trip to sick bay to get under control. Any food that forces you onto the probulator is nothing I want to mess with. I’m leaving the junkies for those young thrill seekers down on deck 13. I’m sure they will compliment the orgies.

This is Skolcrod signing off. I have more earth produce to stick in my maw. Reply to the mind cloud with your experience and we will mingle our thoughts! Live long and eat all other creatures and leave planets empty of life!