I Used to Have a Mullet. But Now I’m Way More Cool

How my hairstyle changed when I went from international assassin to nuclear physicist to world famous author

I Was A Tux Wearing International Assassin

I had a mullet. But back then, we used to call it a “feathered” haircut. The word mullet wasn’t coined until 1994 by The Beastie Boys, who ruined it for everyone. By then, I no longer had that hair style. I ditched the hair and the tux when I left the assassin world and became a nuclear physicist.

On one of my many assassination missions, I needed to infiltrate a circus. There was this clown who pissed off the wrong people, and he was going down. I got my hair died bright orange as part of my disguise. I wish I could show you pictures of that one too and tell you what part of the world that was in. But it’s been classified, so, you know. Someone would have to kill you. It wouldn’t be me since I handed in my assassin’s credentials ages ago.

I loved my bright orange hair. I would get up, look in the mirror and start laughing. what a way to greet the day!

When it came time to retire from the guild, they would only let me leave if I joined their support staff for 10 years. The available positions were nuclear physicist, or sanitary engineer. As I wasn’t much interested in helping assassins reach their targets through sewers, I chose physicist.

As a nuclear physicist, I went with the dorky yet lovable style you can see here:

I Was A Nuclear Physicist

This is me as a jet setting nuclear physicist. I spent a lot of time helping save the world. I had a lot of old contacts from the spy and assassination gig showing up and dragging me off to disarm nuclear devices and stuff. It was way more work and danger than I bargained for.

There was this one time, I was in this bunker and they had this bomb with a 5 minute timer on it. This was way after the evil genius gave us his speech about taking over the world. After we got the young lady unstrapped from the bomb, I realized it was too late to disarm the bomb. We just stood there and watched as the timer ran down. Then, nothing happened. That “genius” forgot to hook up the red wire! Boy did we laugh.

Now I’m a World Famous Author

After 10 years of globe trotting action and dozens of nuclear disasters averted, I had enough. I shaved off the rest of my hair and became the world famous author that you know and love. After learning and mastering the self publishing game, I decided to come here, to Medium. It only took me 15 minutes to get curated the first time. My 3rd article gained 1500 claps in 3 minutes. I created my own mailing list and had 100000 subscribers in the first month.

With that kind of clout I can print my own money. But instead, I decided to hang out here with you guys. I donate all of my Medium money to Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos to help them catch up to me. I’ve still got wads of cash in my closet from the assassination gig, and nuclear physicist paid better than you would think.

Believe me when I say, the haircut makes the man. And the less hair you got, the better life gets.

This is Tim Ebl signing off. I have to see a man about a movie deal. It’s all about how I earned my First Medium million! There’s going to be shootouts and car chases. Wait till you see the big finale on the dark side of the moon.

Anyone here on Medium who wants to get a cameo or feature as an extra, drop me a response on this post! I promise that when we make this movie, you will be in it.

Comment below to appear in Medium: The Movie!