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Abstract

e the relationship has changed and does not feel good any longer. Instead of leaving honorably, resentment builds, and the relationship becomes more toxic. In 2020, according to <a href="https://www.mentalhelp.net/aware/physically-and-emotionally-abusive-relationships/">mentalhelp.net</a>, 87% of men and women have experienced an emotionally abusive relationship. Identifying a toxic relationship can prove difficult because the emotionally abusive person often uses <i>gaslighting </i>which makes the abused partner literally feel crazy. See, <a href="undefined">Danielle Loewen</a>’s</p><div id="eb06" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/gaslighting-is-a-social-disease-eed47b42eb92"> <div> <div> <h2>Gaslighting is a Social Disease</h2> <div><h3>Why that matters and what we can do</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*tDBBMrGFJzn32W4f)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="524b">Sometimes the abuse takes a more subtle form, like isolation, or unresolved arguments. As a coach, I have heard women say they finally had the courage to leave a toxic relationship only to have people shame or blame them for being the one to break up the marriage. Little did people understand the silent abuse she had suffered for years. Even if you are reading this and you are in a healthy relationship, please educate yourself and know the signs of a toxic relationship so that you can be an advocate for your friends. As a survivor of both physical and emotional abuse, I know how difficult it truly is to leave that abusive situation.</p><h1 id="8d44">Signs of a Toxic Relationship</h1><ul><li>Drains your energy</li><li>Feels bad all the time</li><li>You avoid voicing your opinion because there’s just no point</li><li>Effort is one-sided</li><li>One person is “scorekeeper”</li><li>Physical, Verbal, or Emotional abuse present</li><li>Passive aggressive behavior</li><li>Manipulation</li><li>Overly judgmental</li><li>Nothing gets resolved</li><li>Lack of Privacy</li><li>Lies, deceit, lack of trust</li><li>Isolation</li></ul><p id="90c6">Before you think of leaving a toxic relationship it is very important to rebuild your self-confidence. Most likely your toxic partner has on some level, broken you down, but you are not broken. Therapy, counseling, or coaching will help rebuild self-esteem. Next, I strongly encourage a good support system of friends and or family. This can even be in the form of a Facebook group of other people who have been in a similar relationship. Support and connection to lean on are critical to overcoming toxic relationships and helping find strength in times of weakness.</p><p id="e200">Finally, prioritize yourself. If you have been a people pleaser or self-sacrificing, start doing things for yourself. Spend time doing things you enjoy. Do not allow yourself to get drained. Once you feel your energy start to rise, then ask yourself what stories keep repeating themselves in relationships? Then ask yourself what choices you make that contribute to your pain? This way you begin to take responsibility for your life and take your power back. You will begin to see how to make different choices in the future to break the toxic cycle.</p><blockquote id="4aea"><p>“it turned out there <i>was</i> a

Options

solution to their problem, an answer to their question, a meaning to their life. ‘Even if things only take such a good turn in one of a thousand cases, who can guarantee that in your case it will not happen one day, sooner or later? But in the first place, you have to live to see the day on which it may happen, so you have to survive in order to see that day dawn, and from now on the <b>responsibility</b> [emphasis added] for survival does not leave you.” — <i>Man’s Search for Meaning, by </i>Viktor<i> </i>Frankl</p></blockquote><p id="58b7">Next, it will be important to forgive your ex-partner. This may be difficult, and it may take time. You do not even need to voice this forgiveness with that person, just give the gift of forgiveness to yourself so that you are free to move forward. Do not rush this step, and please do not confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. Sometimes journaling helps. Until you are able to forgive, you will carry this into a future relationship and the cycle of toxicity will continue. Forgiveness is crucial and harboring a grudge will only harm <i>you</i>.</p><blockquote id="c7c5"><p>“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Grudges do no good whatsoever and they benefit no one, neither in our business lives nor our personal lives — <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/amyanderson/2015/04/07/resentment-is-like-taking-poison-and-waiting-for-the-other-person-to-die/?sh=7e11a4e6446c">Source</a></p></blockquote><p id="defe">Moreover, I learned that the most important person I needed to forgive was myself. I saw my past mistakes, forgave myself, and made amends with myself by making sure I would stop the cycle of repeating mistakes.</p><p id="499f">Setting boundaries will protect you from being walked on by friends, family, and future relationships. Do not hesitate to set and keep firm boundaries. If someone does not respect your boundaries it is a sure sign they will not respect you. Next, do an inventory of what personal values are important to you. This will help prioritize what you want in life. Get clarity on what you really want. Visualize the life you desire in great detail as if it already exists. That big clear beautiful picture is what you deserve and are worthy of, so do not settle for less moving forward.</p><h1 id="61e0">How to Break Free from Toxic Relationships</h1><ul><li>Establish a strong support group</li><li>Stop self-sacrificing</li><li>Rebuild your self-confidence</li><li>Prioritize yourself</li><li>Take responsibility</li><li>Forgive the past to make room for the future</li><li>Set boundaries</li><li>Do an inventory of personal values</li><li>Envision the life of your dreams with great clarity and never settle for less than that. You are worthy.</li></ul><p id="840a">Some relationships can be saved and corrected through coaching and therapy with great effort. But please know that not all relationships work out. No matter how much you love the person, if the relationship is toxic, if the other person is emotionally unavailable, or abusive, you cannot make a relationship healthy. It is okay to do what is best for yourself. Detach with love, for yourself and your partner. You deserve happiness, so reclaim your life. In some cases, especially with narcissists, you may not get the closure you need. You may need to block the person completely and give yourself closure. Proceed slowly, forgive yourself, forgive your ex-partner, and take the time you need to heal.</p></article></body>

Signs of Toxic Relationships

How to spot them, break free, and what to look for and recognize in a healthy partner

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Identifying Toxic Relationships and Knowing When to Leave

Relationships are fantastic when they are healthy, but unfortunately, I see a trend where over half of long-term relationships today start out as or become toxic. Sometimes people carry unhealed wounds from their past that cause them to project pain. Sometimes the problems stem from the fact that people entered into the relationship before one or both individuals loved and accepted themselves. As a relationship coach, I believe the success of a relationship all begins with awareness. Then, we must love and accept ourselves before we can fully love and be loved by another. No one is going to complete us or be our other half.

“The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you; but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.” (Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God, An Uncommon Dialogue — Book 1)

Happiness is an inside job.

Happiness Is Not a Mountain. It Is a Landscape.

There’s more than one form of the good life.

medium.com

The universe sends us relationships to help us grow into the best version of ourselves, whether or not the relationship lasts. I have learned much from karmic relationships that I exited. A karmic relationship exists to teach and heal to prepare me for a better future.

The person we choose to spend our life with should be someone who allows us to make mistakes, who forgives us when we mess up because we will, and who accepts us the way we are. They should allow us to feel safe as we continue to learn, respect and encourage us to keep expanding, and love us free from expectations. They should be our biggest cheerleaders and our most gentle critics. Likewise, it should be a symbiotic partnership where we do the same for our significant other with equal respect and enthusiasm. We should never put our partner down, especially in front of others, and ditch the bickering.

Unfortunately, many people, both men and women, enter a relationship with the best intentions and then a few months down the road realize the relationship has changed and does not feel good any longer. Instead of leaving honorably, resentment builds, and the relationship becomes more toxic. In 2020, according to mentalhelp.net, 87% of men and women have experienced an emotionally abusive relationship. Identifying a toxic relationship can prove difficult because the emotionally abusive person often uses gaslighting which makes the abused partner literally feel crazy. See, Danielle Loewen’s

Gaslighting is a Social Disease

Why that matters and what we can do

medium.com

Sometimes the abuse takes a more subtle form, like isolation, or unresolved arguments. As a coach, I have heard women say they finally had the courage to leave a toxic relationship only to have people shame or blame them for being the one to break up the marriage. Little did people understand the silent abuse she had suffered for years. Even if you are reading this and you are in a healthy relationship, please educate yourself and know the signs of a toxic relationship so that you can be an advocate for your friends. As a survivor of both physical and emotional abuse, I know how difficult it truly is to leave that abusive situation.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Drains your energy
Feels bad all the time
You avoid voicing your opinion because there’s just no point
Effort is one-sided
One person is “scorekeeper”
Physical, Verbal, or Emotional abuse present
Passive aggressive behavior
Manipulation
Overly judgmental
Nothing gets resolved
Lack of Privacy
Lies, deceit, lack of trust
Isolation

Before you think of leaving a toxic relationship it is very important to rebuild your self-confidence. Most likely your toxic partner has on some level, broken you down, but you are not broken. Therapy, counseling, or coaching will help rebuild self-esteem. Next, I strongly encourage a good support system of friends and or family. This can even be in the form of a Facebook group of other people who have been in a similar relationship. Support and connection to lean on are critical to overcoming toxic relationships and helping find strength in times of weakness.

Finally, prioritize yourself. If you have been a people pleaser or self-sacrificing, start doing things for yourself. Spend time doing things you enjoy. Do not allow yourself to get drained. Once you feel your energy start to rise, then ask yourself what stories keep repeating themselves in relationships? Then ask yourself what choices you make that contribute to your pain? This way you begin to take responsibility for your life and take your power back. You will begin to see how to make different choices in the future to break the toxic cycle.

“it turned out there was a solution to their problem, an answer to their question, a meaning to their life. ‘Even if things only take such a good turn in one of a thousand cases, who can guarantee that in your case it will not happen one day, sooner or later? But in the first place, you have to live to see the day on which it may happen, so you have to survive in order to see that day dawn, and from now on the responsibility [emphasis added] for survival does not leave you.” — Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl

Next, it will be important to forgive your ex-partner. This may be difficult, and it may take time. You do not even need to voice this forgiveness with that person, just give the gift of forgiveness to yourself so that you are free to move forward. Do not rush this step, and please do not confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. Sometimes journaling helps. Until you are able to forgive, you will carry this into a future relationship and the cycle of toxicity will continue. Forgiveness is crucial and harboring a grudge will only harm you.

“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Grudges do no good whatsoever and they benefit no one, neither in our business lives nor our personal lives — Source

Moreover, I learned that the most important person I needed to forgive was myself. I saw my past mistakes, forgave myself, and made amends with myself by making sure I would stop the cycle of repeating mistakes.

Setting boundaries will protect you from being walked on by friends, family, and future relationships. Do not hesitate to set and keep firm boundaries. If someone does not respect your boundaries it is a sure sign they will not respect you. Next, do an inventory of what personal values are important to you. This will help prioritize what you want in life. Get clarity on what you really want. Visualize the life you desire in great detail as if it already exists. That big clear beautiful picture is what you deserve and are worthy of, so do not settle for less moving forward.

How to Break Free from Toxic Relationships

Establish a strong support group
Stop self-sacrificing
Rebuild your self-confidence
Prioritize yourself
Take responsibility
Forgive the past to make room for the future
Set boundaries
Do an inventory of personal values
Envision the life of your dreams with great clarity and never settle for less than that. You are worthy.

Some relationships can be saved and corrected through coaching and therapy with great effort. But please know that not all relationships work out. No matter how much you love the person, if the relationship is toxic, if the other person is emotionally unavailable, or abusive, you cannot make a relationship healthy. It is okay to do what is best for yourself. Detach with love, for yourself and your partner. You deserve happiness, so reclaim your life. In some cases, especially with narcissists, you may not get the closure you need. You may need to block the person completely and give yourself closure. Proceed slowly, forgive yourself, forgive your ex-partner, and take the time you need to heal.