Great Jokes of the Western World — Health
Sick Jokes
Guaranteed to keep the doctor away
Redline fever
Do you ever notice how nurses always have a red pen in their pocket? It’s because their duties occasionally require them to draw blood.
Hands down, a winner
After four karate lessons, I can now break a 50mm plank with my cast.
Casting a spell
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
My next poop could spell disaster.
Bags of style
Here’s an exercise for people of a certain age. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 2-kilo potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5-kilo potato bags.
Then try 10-kilo bags, 20-kilo bags, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kilo potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that stage, put a potato in each bag.
The last straw
I’ve had it up to here with salesmen. Would you believe it, one tried to sell me a coffin the other day.
“A coffin?” I scoffed, “That’s the last thing I need!”
A waist of time
Join me on the whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.
Featured
“These new orthodox shoes are great!” I told my doctor.
“That’s ‘orthopaedic’, you great lummox,” she replied.
“Ah, thanks. I stand corrected.”
Mad dogs and Englishmen
In the glory days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and calling for a brace of snorts in the mess, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet the Adjutant, Major Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive hunchbacked, bowlegged man less than a metre tall.
“Smithers, old man, tell the new colonel about yourself.”
“Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…”
Here the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Adj, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor his wife looked like the back end of a baboon.”
That takes the biscuit!
I went to the Weight Watchers website, and they told me to disable cookies.
Legend
Doctor, doctor! I’ve got five legs!
Good heavens! How do your trousers fit?
Like a glove.
Had me in stitches
“Doctor, doctor, I need help! I broke my arm in three places!”
“Well, don’t go to those places.”
Chewing it over
I’d bitten down hard on an apple, hit a seed, and cracked a filling. You know how it is: there’s a little bit of metal in your mouth and everything’s fine for a few days. then you notice the odd twinge and after six months you’re drinking a bottle of scotch every day or so to kill the pain and your work is beginning to suffer.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my appointment with the emergency dentist, and once I’d worked through the gossip mags from two years back, the cartoon instructions on how to handle a toothbrush, the airconditioning unit’s manufacturer’s details, I noticed the dental diploma hanging on the wall, which bore the full name of the dentist.
Suddenly I remembered a tall, trim, hunky guy with the same name who had been in my senior class at Morningside High thirty years ago. He had been my secret crush all those years back, but I doubt he’d even noticed the flat-chested, awkward, pimply, tangle-haired introvert I’d been then.
Could he be the same dreamboat? Now that I had grown up, become a bit more confident, filled out into a well-stacked blonde — and recently divorced by my abusive bastard of a husband who said I drank too much — well, maybe I could scratch that long-buried itch. Or to put it another way, now that I had a managerial role, I had a long, vacant executive slot that needed filling.
The door opened, and, holding my breath, I entered the surgery. But the man who turned to greet me as the nurse ushered me into the chair was far too old to have been my classmate. His face was deeply lined, what was left of his hair was silvery grey, he bulged, his skin looked like it had seen seventy summers.
After he examined my teeth, making disconcerting noises with his tongue and muttering to the nurse, he looked at me, sizing me up for my ability to pay, no doubt.
“Didn’t you used to go to Morningside High?” he asked.
I admitted I did.
“So did I!” he exclaimed, his pockmarked face breaking into a thin smile.
“What year did you graduate?” I asked. Surely this geezer must be from the previous generation.
He told me and I gasped.
“Oh my god, you were in my class!” I said.
And then this decrepit, bald, wrinkled, wheezing, fat-arsed, slope-shouldered wreck of a man, asked me,
“What subject did you teach?”
Smooth talker
My doctor told me about a tasty new diet. All you eat is peanut butter.
I thought about it but eventually decided that was just nuts.
Setting the right note
I broke my arm recently, and as the doctor was setting the cast, I asked anxiously, “When it heals, will I be able to play the piano?”
“Yes, of course,” she replied.
“Oh that’s great news,” I said. “I never could before.”
Beastly
Prayers requested for the speedy recovery of my supervisor. Currently in hospital after a bee landed on his face. Luckily he wasn’t stung; thanks to my lightning reflexes and the Second Amendment.
Just kidney
I have a friend who persuaded me to become an organ donor. He’s a man after my own heart.
End of the road
I’ve become addicted to brake fluid. My friends are horrified, but I reassure them by telling them that I can stop whenever I want.
Stolen moments
Yes, I know I have kleptomania. I keep it under control. When it gets too bad, I take something for it.
See what I did there?
Conjunctivitis.com — a site for sore eyes.
Earshot
I went to the doctor to see about my hearing loss. He asked me to describe the symptoms.
“Well,” I said, “Homer’s a fat bloke, Marge has blue hair, and they have three goofy kids.”
My dad says they don’t work
It was a slow Tuesday afternoon at the pharmacy. The lady behind the counter hadn’t had a customer for an hour; she was beginning to drowse.
A teenaged boy came in, all lanky awkwardness and a shock of black hair that needed a good combing. He looked around, came up to the counter, stuttered out his request, looking like he’d prefer to be pretty much anywhere else in the world just now.
She looked at him, turning pink as he stood there, shifting from one foot to another, as if he were planning to bolt out the door. “A pack of condoms? Certainly!”
Put the pack down on the counter, went to ring up the sale, decided to have a wee bit of fun.
“You, um, know how these work? Here, let me show you.”
She opened the package up, got out a condom, and slowly unrolled it onto her thumb, gently smoothing down the latex, and looking up. Dam’, but he was cute with his freckles and bright eyes. And cheeks turning redder by the second.
She leaned forward. Mid thirties, but she still had it, she thought. His gaze dropped down her top, eyes widening.
“They do anything for you?” she asked. He nodded, holding his breath.
“Look, come into the back room. Bring that package with you.”
He followed her in, like a puppy, she thought, as she cleared the table and leaned slowly back.
“We don’t have much time,” she said, taking his hands and placing them just so.
It didn’t take long, but well, it was good. Enthusiasm made up for lack of experience. She caressed that tousled hair, and stroked his cheek. A thought came to her.
“You put the condom on, yeah?”
Wordlessly, he nodded, holding up his thumb to show her.
Half-hearted
Did you hear about the unfortunate chap involved in a terrible accident at the sawmill? His whole left side was cut off.
But it’s okay. He’s all right now.
Never mind
I wasn’t intending to get a brain transplant.
But then I changed my mind.
Hush it’s a river
Just a reminder that it’s now Diarrhoea Awareness Week.
Runs till Saturday.
Britni
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