Great Jokes of the Western World — Family
Great Jokes You Can Relate To
I have a flakey kin disorder
A mute point
Did I tell you? My parents sent my brother to mime school — he was never heard from again.
Heirloom
My grandfather left me a glorious old antique comb.
I can’t bear to part with it.
A fair fling
My boyfriend found out I was cheating on him, after he found all the letters I was hiding.
He got mad and said he’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Unappealing
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Pa de deux
When I was little, I asked my father to make me a ballerina costume. Initially, he had no idea how to begin, but after a bit of thought, he was able to put tu and tu together.
Fractured family
My mother is a hospital nurse, my father is a professional magician — he does tricks like pulling rabbits out of hats and sawing people in half. I also have siblings: two sisters and a half-brother.
Lawn bowls next
I told my mother it was really muggy outside. She looked at me sipping coffee out of a bowl and said, “Have you put all our mugs on the lawn? Again?”
No scents at all
I went to dinner with my grandparents, who are getting on a bit, and after the main course, Gran went into the kitchen to fetch dessert.
I said, “Pop, that’s a new perfume Gran is wearing, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” he said, “she got a bottle of some new brand.”
“I really like it,” I said. “I might get some. What’s it called?”
Pop, whose memory has always been in inverse proportion to his flatulence, thought for a bit, scratched his head, and asked, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love, the one that is usually red that has thorns?”
“Oh, you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s it,” Pop said. Then he called to the kitchen, “Rose, what’s the name of that perfume you’re wearing?”
Speechless
My mother asked me to pass her the lip balm, but I accidentally gave her the super glue instead.
She’s still not talking to me.
Just stayed in bed, I guess
I wonder what the previous generation did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my fifteen brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
In the trenchers
My grandfather served in the war, fighting in an assault vehicle, surviving mustard gas and pepper spray. He is a seasoned veteran.
Overarching
I told my Mum she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Standing order
When my father asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
They let him off with a warning
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Happy birdday
Most babies, my mum told me, are delivered by stork.
But, my dad added, the heavier ones need a crane.
Just one more
My boyfriend said he was fed up with my constant wordplay addiction. I agreed, and asked him how could I stop.
“Whatever means necessary,” he said, grim-faced.
“No it doesn’t,” I replied.
Britni
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