avatarManj Bahra

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Should You Be Friends With Your Crush Or Walk Away?

The questions you need to ask before accepting the friend-zone

One of the most common problems people face is unrequited love. We can all relate to having a crush who doesn’t feel the same way. Sometimes things don’t work out how we want, and it’s nobodies fault.

In the aftermath of every rejection lies a critical decision — do you continue to be friends with that person, or make a call to walk away? The less time you have known the person, the more straightforward the decision. Conversely, matters get infinitely more complicated with time and the chance for real friendship. Walking away in these cases isn’t as simple, nor is swallowing your pride and accepting the friend-zone. So what should you do?

The purpose of this post is to provide a check-list of questions to guide you in making the right decision — without emotion. I cover the essential points you need to consider and ask you to give honest answers so that by the end of the article, you’ll have a much clearer picture of which option is best for you.

Ultimately the choice is yours, though I hope this post will give you some new perspectives to help ease your mind and make the right call. Let’s begin.

Do You Secretly Want To Win Them Over?

We start with the most crucial question — are you reading this because you genuinely want friendship, or do you secretly want to play the long game?

This isn’t a trick question, just be honest with yourself.

If you’re secretly trying to win them over, that’s OK, but this isn’t an effective strategy. That person isn’t sexually attracted to you, and trying to be their friend isn’t going to change that. They know you’ve got the feels, so there is no uncertainty or chase for them to become engrossed in. You’re a sure bet and easy source of validation when needed — not an exciting potential lover who keeps them wondering at night.

You might think they will change their mind if you act like the perfect partner in waiting. You become a great companion who is always available, listens to their problems, arranges activities, and doesn’t show interest in anyone else. But all of this happens while they’re out chasing other people without concern for you. While you’re reading this, I doubt they’re thinking about your feelings. Don’t become an emotional vomit bag without benefits. Nothing about that is attractive.

Let’s remind ourselves of an unfortunate truth — people who want you don’t make it difficult. There may be some elements of the chase, but they will never allow a situation to span months if they want it to happen. It’s time you opened your eyes — you need to make changes and stop prioritizing another person over you. You should also remember you can’t convince someone to like you, and nor should you. Nobody owes you anything, and it’s not necessarily admirable that you want to hide under the guise of friendship when you have different intentions.

What if you legitimately want to be friends?

There’s nothing wrong with this, but I want you to be sure. Sometimes when we’re interested in someone, we romanticize their value to us. In many cases, the friendship we think we are fighting for doesn’t exist or is unequal.

With that said, I recommend doing an honest review before you make a decision. I won’t prescribe exactly how to do this but consider questions such as:

  • What would you miss if they weren’t in your life?
  • Are they there for you when you need support or advice?
  • Do you trust them?
  • If they were a different sexual orientation, would you still be friends?

If, after an honest appraisal, you feel this is something you want, more power to you. But if you are starting to have doubts, there is nothing wrong with taking a short hiatus and resetting your brain. Be objective and don’t be scared to test how your life is different without them — you might be surprised.

Verdict: If you want to win them over — walk away. If you still want to be friends, continue to the next question.

Photo by Zachary Nelson on Unsplash

Are They Giving You Mixed Signals?

Does this person continue to do small things that you interpret as leading you on? Mixed signals create Cognitive Dissonance — the mental stress caused when we try to reconcile contradicting beliefs.

The experience is characterized by significant psychological tension — a nagging feeling in your mind that persists as long as these opposing opinions exist. This is what keeps you constantly restless, anxiously waiting for texts, and unable to focus on anything else. You become insanely frustrated and confused by the hot and cold behavior, desperately searching for clarity to put yourself at ease.

In short, you want answers that confirm what you believe.

There are three options to resolve the tension:

  1. Change your beliefaccept they don’t like you and move on
  2. Obtain new information acquire further evidence that confirms one belief
  3. Reduce the importance of the scenariofocus on other things in your life and gradually let the focus fade

If you’re reading this and passed the previous question, you’ve taken option one — accepting they don’t like you and pursuing a friendship. That’s a very positive step, but it is still problematic if they continue to give you mixed signals.

It’s challenging to ignore conflicting signs. Humans are not perfect; we all have moments of weakness and vulnerability. We know you have feelings for this person, so it’s natural to want to read into anything that gives hope. That’s why any doubt is going to trigger option 2 — seeking new information.

This is where we read into a situation to see if we can uncover something new, real or imaginary, that provides evidence they like us. You might convince yourself they’ve changed their mind but don’t have the courage to say. You may start to think they are falling for you but aren’t aware yet. The level of delusion is unlimited when dissonance meets hope. It’s very important to note it doesn't matter if they do it deliberately or you simply read into the signals incorrectly — the presence is what causes the reaction.

As a result, you invariably end up obsessing over the person and compulsively reading into behavior. All of a sudden, you interpret a smile as a sign of attraction. Every accidental touch becomes a hint of something more.

This is a slippery slope. The more time we spend thinking about a person, the more we become invested in them. You work yourself into a violent loop of consistently dissecting all your encounters and projecting what you want to be true onto all of them.

The takeaway is that while you might be accepting of rejection and happy with friendship, you need to consider your mental health. Cognitive Dissonance has an uncanny knack of convincing us there is a chance. Hope is equally as dangerous as it is beautiful. In this situation, it can prevent us from moving on and wasting our lives chasing someone.

As long as you’re getting mixed signals, real or imaginary, you won’t be able to resolve the psychological tension in your mind.

Verdict: If their behavior offers you hope — walk away. If they have drawn clear lines, without doubt, continue to the next question.

Does The Thought Of Seeing Them With Someone Else Hurt?

If you’re going to be friends, you have to be OK with hearing about their dating life. There are a few scenarios you need to be sure you can handle.

First, they’re likely to get your opinion on potential dating options. This will range from what you think about the person, what they should text, and perhaps analyzing their behavior. You must be sure your ego can handle this because it’s friendship 101, especially if they are of the same sexual orientation.

Second, if things do go well and they start dating someone, how much will it hurt you? Does the thought of them being with someone else cause you pain? Remember, it’s not just knowing they are dating — it’s having to see it in front of you, think about it, and listen to people (including them) talk about it. Will you be able to offer impartial advice when they ask you for date ideas, and will you keep composure if you hear the graphic detail of how things are progressing? I’m sure the below clip will put things into perspective.

Another way of looking at this is — are you the jealous type? Both these situations are likely to play out. You might think you can handle this, but are you sure you won’t compare yourself to the people they chose instead of you? Are you sure that you won’t lash out because you unconsciously resent the fact they didn’t feel the same way?

For most people, this is where friendship is tested — where you find out how you truly feel. There is no reason why you should put yourself through this if you aren’t ready. At best, you’ll be hurt; at worst, you’ll offer lousy advice.

Verdict: If thinking about them with someone else hurts, walk away. If you can picture them with your best friend, without resentment, continue to the next question.

Does Your Life Revolve Around This Person?

Again, honesty is the best policy here. This is a chance for you to think about what’s best for you. Here are a few questions to get you started:

  • Are you thinking about them every day?
  • Do you find yourself dropping their name in unrelated conversations?
  • Are you googling things they do to see if they might be a sign they like you?
  • Do you find yourself strategizing with friends on how to win them over?
  • Do you stalk their social media multiple times a day?
  • Are you always waiting for their text or responding immediately?
  • Is this person the most meaningful thing in your life right now rather than any passion or goal?

I’m not trying to catch you out nor make you feel bad about yourself. It takes immense courage and strength to admit your weaknesses. The point isn’t for you to lament yourself, but to recognize that you have put this person on a pedestal. In essence, you’re mentally accepting them as more important than you, which is not healthy.

As I wrote about here, infatuations that result in this kind of behavior are often examples of Limerence — a concept discovered by Dorothy Tennov in the 1960s.

Limerence is defined as follows:

The cognitive and emotional state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, that is typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.”

How do you separate Limerence from Love and Infatuation? There are four vital signs to look for in yourself:

  1. You find yourself continually thinking about the person, and unable to focus on daily activities without seeing the relevance to them
  2. Your primary desire is for the reciprocation of feelings rather a sexual relationship or intimacy
  3. Your focus is on winning the person over rather than their happiness or welfare
  4. You compulsively read into the person’s behaviors and draw unfounded conclusions, e.g., examining text length and frequency extensively

If you think this sounds unrealistic, think again. Tennov’s early research found a surprising number of people with symptoms of Limerence, including a man who sustained a nine-year obsession for a co-worker. He had filled forty notebooks and several thousand audio cassettes with details of how she looked, whether she smiled or spoke to him, and other minute details that only he could appreciate. His distraction led to poor performance at work, several demotions, and eventual dismissal.

While that’s an extreme example, you might still be devoting your time to analyzing their behavior, scouting for signs of attraction, and replaying conversations in your head. Before you know it, you’re mentioning this person at every opportunity and obscurely linking everything you do back to them. The key here is to understand the time lost that could have been spent focusing on you — all the hours that you can’t get back that have done nothing to develop yourself.

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

What you focus on grows. If you spend your time chasing other people, your fixation for them increases. Why not dedicate your time exploring new activities and doing things you love so you can become a better version of yourself? Commit to prioritizing the areas of your life that you neglected with your fantasy. Break your habits by taking up as many new activities as possible and becoming absorbed in something you are passionate about, ideally a project or goal.

Conversely, if you can honestly say that none of the above is accurate and you are living an active life full of purpose — you’re good to go.

Verdict: If much of your life revolves around this person — walk away. If you lead a balanced life pursuing passions and interests, friendship is viable.

Decision Time — Should You Be Friends Or Walk Away?

If you answered yes to any question, it’s going to be very difficult to move on until you address those issues. There is a high probability that you are suffering from low self-esteem and self-worth, and would benefit from some time away to focus on yourself.

Remember, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Your prior behavior has led you to this situation. Trying to be friends will lead to an extension of the same. You need to be 100% sure you can handle all the scenarios we covered, especially seeing them with someone else.

For most, the simplest most effective solution is to cut the person out. Maybe temporarily, maybe forever. Until you have healed the wounds of rejection, you will always struggle. Your mental health comes first, so don’t be worried about what they might say or how they might react — this about you and no one else.

If you’re worried that you don’t know how to start, I’ve got you covered with this guide. It’s time to begin operating from an abundance mindset. There will be others and, most importantly, someone who appreciates you for who you are — without games or sales pitches. This is a golden opportunity to demonstrate your self-worth by drawing personal boundaries and having the guts to pursue what you want.

Make up for the time you’ve lost, and open yourself up to all the world has got to give. And hey, if you want to be friends — best of luck to you. You’re displaying incredible emotional maturity, and I hope you are focusing on you moving forward.

Make it happen

Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Or perhaps you’re ready to attract the love you deserve.

I’ve helped 100s of clients crush overthinking, heal the pain of rejection and become their most attractive selves.

If that sounds interesting, why not book a FREE Breakthrough Call — let’s see how we can make it happen.

You can also pick up a copy of my FREE eBOOK, “Three Essential Keys To Move On From Heartbreak”, here.

Love
Relationships
Psychology
Mental Health
Self Improvement
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