Should You Be Friends With Your Crush Or Walk Away?
The questions you need to ask before accepting the friend-zone
One of the most common problems people face is unrequited love. We can all relate to having a crush who doesn’t feel the same way. Sometimes things don’t work out how we want, and it’s nobodies fault.
In the aftermath of every rejection lies a critical decision — do you continue to be friends with that person, or make a call to walk away? The less time you have known the person, the more straightforward the decision. Conversely, matters get infinitely more complicated with time and the chance for real friendship. Walking away in these cases isn’t as simple, nor is swallowing your pride and accepting the friend-zone. So what should you do?
The purpose of this post is to provide a check-list of questions to guide you in making the right decision — without emotion. I cover the essential points you need to consider and ask you to give honest answers so that by the end of the article, you’ll have a much clearer picture of which option is best for you.
Ultimately the choice is yours, though I hope this post will give you some new perspectives to help ease your mind and make the right call. Let’s begin.
Do You Secretly Want To Win Them Over?
We start with the most crucial question — are you reading this because you genuinely want friendship, or do you secretly want to play the long game?
This isn’t a trick question, just be honest with yourself.
If you’re secretly trying to win them over, that’s OK, but this isn’t an effective strategy. That person isn’t sexually attracted to you, and trying to be their friend isn’t going to change that. They know you’ve got the feels, so there is no uncertainty or chase for them to become engrossed in. You’re a sure bet and easy source of validation when needed — not an exciting potential lover who keeps them wondering at night.
You might think they will change their mind if you act like the perfect partner in waiting. You become a great companion who is always available, listens to their problems, arranges activities, and doesn’t show interest in anyone else. But all of this happens while they’re out chasing other people without concern for you. While you’re reading this, I doubt they’re thinking about your feelings. Don’t become an emotional vomit bag without benefits. Nothing about that is attractive.
Let’s remind ourselves of an unfortunate truth — people who want you don’t make it difficult. There may be some elements of the chase, but they will never allow a situation to span months if they want it to happen. It’s time you opened your eyes — you need to make changes and stop prioritizing another person over you. You should also remember you can’t convince someone to like you, and nor should you. Nobody owes you anything, and it’s not necessarily admirable that you want to hide under the guise of friendship when you have different intentions.
What if you legitimately want to be friends?
There’s nothing wrong with this, but I want you to be sure. Sometimes when we’re interested in someone, we romanticize their value to us. In many cases, the friendship we think we are fighting for doesn’t exist or is unequal.
With that said, I recommend doing an honest review before you make a decision. I won’t prescribe exactly how to do this but consider questions such as:
- What would you miss if they weren’t in your life?
- Are they there for you when you need support or advice?
- Do you trust them?
- If they were a different sexual orientation, would you still be friends?
If, after an honest appraisal, you feel this is something you want, more power to you. But if you are starting to have doubts, there is nothing wrong with taking a short hiatus and resetting your brain. Be objective and don’t be scared to test how your life is different without them — you might be surprised.
Verdict: If you want to win them over — walk away. If you still want to be friends, continue to the next question.
Are They Giving You Mixed Signals?
Does this person continue to do small things that you interpret as leading you on? Mixed signals create Cognitive Dissonance — the mental stress caused when we try to reconcile contradicting beliefs.
The experience is characterized by significant psychological tension — a nagging feeling in your mind that persists as long as these opposing opinions exist. This is what keeps you constantly restless, anxiously waiting for texts, and unable to focus on anything else. You become insanely frustrated and confused by the hot and cold behavior, desperately searching for clarity to put yourself at ease.
In short, you want answers that confirm what you believe.
There are three options to resolve the tension:
- Change your belief — accept they don’t like you and move on
- Obtain new information — acquire further evidence that confirms one belief
- Reduce the importance of the scenario — focus on other things in your life and gradually let the focus fade
If you’re reading this and passed the previous question, you’ve taken option one — accepting they don’t like you and pursuing a friendship. That’s a very positive step, but it is still problematic if they continue to give you mixed signals.
It’s challenging to ignore conflicting signs. Humans are not perfect; we all have moments of weakness and vulnerability. We know you have feelings for this person, so it’s natural to want to read into anything that gives hope. That’s why any doubt is going to trigger option 2 — seeking new information.
This is where we read into a situation to see if we can uncover something new, real or imaginary, that provides evidence they like us. You might convince yourself they’ve changed their mind but don’t have the courage to say. You may start to think they are falling for you but aren’t aware yet. The level of delusion is unlimited when dissonance meets hope. It’s very important to note it doesn't matter if they do it deliberately or you simply read into the signals incorrectly — the presence is what causes the reaction.
As a result, you invariably end up obsessing over the person and compulsively reading into behavior. All of a sudden, you interpret a smile as a sign of attraction. Every accidental touch becomes a hint of something more.
This is a slippery slope. The more time we spend thinking about a person, the more we become invested in them. You work yourself into a violent loop of consistently dissecting all your encounters and projecting what you want to be true onto all of them.
The takeaway is that while you might be accepting of rejection and happy with friendship, you need to consider your mental health. Cognitive Dissonance has an uncanny knack of convincing us there is a chance. Hope is equally as dangerous as it is beautiful. In this situation, it can prevent us from moving on and wasting our lives chasing someone.
As long as you’re getting mixed signals, real or imaginary, you won’t be able to resolve the psychological tension in your mind.
Verdict: If their behavior offers you hope — walk away. If they have drawn clear lines, without doubt, continue to the next question.
Does The Thought Of Seeing Them With Someone Else Hurt?
If you’re going to be friends, you have to be OK with hearing about their dating life. There are a few scenarios you need to be sure you can handle.
First, they’re likely to get your opinion on potential dating options. This will range from what you think about the person, what they should text, and perhaps analyzing their behavior. You must be sure your ego can handle this because it’s friendship 101, especially if they are of the same sexual orientation.
Second, if things do go well and they start dating someone, how much will it hurt you? Does the thought of them being with someone else cause you pain? Remember, it’s not just knowing they are dating — it’s having to see it in front of you, think about it, and listen to people (including them) talk about it. Will you be able to offer impartial advice when they ask you for date ideas, and will you keep composure if you hear the graphic detail of how things are progressing? I’m sure the below clip will put things into perspective.