ART APPRECIATION
Should I Shave My Head to Show off My Skull Tattoo?
It hasn’t always been easy wearing this monument to awesomeness
I know I look like I have it together. People probably look at me and think, “that guy really has it together.” Expensive haircut. Tight pants. Sleeves rolled up a little to show off my impressive coffee-themed forearm ink. What people might not know from looking at my carefully curated exterior is that I’ve been keeping a secret.
College is a time for experimenting, and even though I never finished, and I had to be escorted off campus by a Sheriff and three deputies, and they said they’d shoot me dead if I ever came back because I went nuts on a library vending machine, I think of my college experiences as some of the most formative moments of my life.
I can remember the day I decided to get it like it was yesterday. I had just shaved my head on a dare, and my girlfriend at the time said I should get a skull tattoo so that I wouldn’t look like such a crybaby.
I shopped around for the cheapest place in town and selected the most beautiful dragon skull wrapped in barbed wire that I’ve ever seen. The guy who inked me was nicknamed Weezy, short for James Weezus III, and we had to do it at night because he had a day job as a claims adjuster.
You know how some people describe the pain of childbirth as trying to squeeze a watermelon through a garden hose? It hurt about that much, and I actually passed out a couple of times. It took a few nights to finish, and Weezy threatened to stop working on it unless I promised not to tell anyone where I got it, but it was all worth it in the end. The girlfriend is long gone — I kept in touch with her until a runaway garbage truck tragically cut her life short — but I’ll always have this sick tattoo.
It hasn’t always been easy wearing this monument to awesomeness. Believe it or not, some people are going to try to bring you down just for being a little different. When I first got it, my friends all agreed that it looked like a poop emoji wrapped in an ocelot’s small intestine. That hurt, because I’m pretty sure none of them had even seen an ocelot’s small intestine before. They just said it to be mean.
The last straw was when some busybody in line at Chipotle said it looked like one of The California Raisins was trying to strangle a feather boa. I quietly sobbed all the way through lunch, my bitter tears falling softly into my barbacoa burrito bowl. After that traumatizing encounter, I wore a ski hat until my hair grew back, and nobody has seen my skull tattoo ever since. I imagine it’s faded a little over time, so it probably looks less like a turd or a raisin now. Time, as they say, heals all wounds.
I’m going to have to figure out what to do with my beard. That’s the big question when you shave your head. Beard or no beard? And whether to keep the sideburns. If I shave, maybe I could get a low-key face tattoo — one of those tasteful tribal designs like the one Mike Tyson has.
The other big question you have to ask yourself when you shave your head to show off your skull tattoo is, “How is this going to affect my job at Dave & Buster’s?” As much as you’d like to think management would be cool about it, I remember the time they fired Heather for shaving her head, and she didn’t even have any tattoos.
I guess if they can’t accept me for who I am, I’m better off working somewhere else anyway. Maybe I’ll try to get my real estate license or finish my business degree. I can do that all online, so I won’t have to go anywhere near a library.
Alright, guys, I think I’m going for it. Wish me luck.
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