FAKE NEWS

Shortage of Glitter Brings Mothers Out to Support Canada’s Freedom Convoy

Glitter apparently the impetus

January 31, 2022

TORONTO: Truckers have spent the week crossing Canada in what they termed the Freedom Convoy. It was an effort to protest the vaccine mandate imposed by the Federal Government for those truck drivers crossing the Canadian border from the US.

The protest has sparked international interest from Donald Trump Jr and Joe Rogan.

But it has also sparked interest from an unusual group of supporters. Mothers.

We spoke with several mothers at the Freedom Convoy in Toronto. We wanted to know why they were supporting the truckers because their signs frankly puzzled us.

Signs such as:

WE CAN DO WITHOUT!

KEEP CANADA CLEAN AGAIN!

Surely this group would be affected by supply-chain disruptions and grocery store empty shelves? We asked what their support represented.

“It’s hard on mothers to find diapers, Goldfish crackers, and Cheerios in short supply. But we stocked up at Costco and we’re ready,” mother and protester, Jayla Rice told us. “This is smaller than that.”

A cheer rang through the crowd at that comment.

“This is about glitter. We are so thankful that glitter is off the shelves. I’ve been picking phosphorescent specks from our kitchen table, basement, car, and underwear for years. I need a break!”

The crowd started chanting, “Glitter is ghastly, glitter is nasty!”

It seems that the glitter supply shortage experienced throughout Canada, has not made it harder on mothers, but easier. More signs made this clear.

GLITTER IS DEAD! REJOICE!

WE HAVE OUR LIVES BACK!

MY MOP THANKS YOU!

It seems the truckers will have the support of young mothers across the country with sightings of glitter-burning parties in backyards from Victoria to Cape Spear. The smell of burning plastic, laughter, and loud music the tell-tale sign.

“As long as the Canadian wine keeps on those trucks, the Convoy has the support of Canadian mothers,” Ms. Rice continued. She held a thermal mug and winked as she chugged while the mothers nearby sang, “Sweet Caroline, chug chug chug.”

When she finished her drink, Ms. Rice commented, “Canadian truckers can protest as long as they need. If the government lets up, they’ll have the Mommy Convoy to deal with. Our minivans are full of healthy snacks and ready to roll.”

With that, the crowd of mothers continued their screams of support.

“Give me glitter and give me death!”

The two most active glitter factories are in New Jersey only 8.5 hours drive from Toronto. We found evidence that glitter has been found floating in the southerly winds coming from the facilities, reaching the CN Tower, and sticking to its perimeter making it twinkle at dusk.

We spoke to a trucker in the Convoy, Jill Sanguin. “We see these mothers, and appreciate their support.” Jill’s truck was stopped in front of the crowd of mothers. She honked her horn.

“As a mother myself, I’ve been trying to stop the passage of glitter over the border for years. Our Prime Minister finally made it happen and I couldn’t be happier,” Jill said.

She honked again and the mothers in the crowd screamed, “Chug chug chug.”

“It might look like I’m protesting the government mandate, but in actual fact, I’m here to keep the truckers in Canada. I’m tired of glitter in my everything. If you know what I mean.” Jill winked and honked once more before moving on.

On the back of Jill’s truck was a banner reading, “Thanks! Justin Trudeau!” I suppose it could be read as a slur, but we know what Jill is really thinking.

It seems the trucking industry in Canada will have the support of the largest group of consumers the country has–mothers, for as long as there is wine.

When asked for comment, Justin Trudeau’s office offered a response from his wife, Sophie. “I stand with the truckers and the mothers. I will do all I can to influence policy on this topic.” She concluded, “I am not averse to putting glitter in the keyboard of Justin’s laptop to ensure the trucking industry stays in Canada. For the health and safety of all Canadians, of course.”

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