Men’s Sexist Tropes Dismantled
The Patriarchy Hurts Everybody
I keep seeing the same old lame tropes coming up again over and over in discussions. Some men seem to be under the impression that they actually are the ones who have been most hurt by society these past 10 thousand years. It’s not actually those loudmouthed and ungrateful women — you know, the ones who couldn’t vote until a hundred years ago and couldn’t go to Ivy League colleges or have a credit card in their own name until the 1970s.
In truth, the patriarchy actually hurts everybody (with the possible exception of a few men at the very top), which is why it needs to be replaced with a more egalitarian system that benefits all genders. In the meanwhile, it’s not a contest between men and women (but, if it were, objectively, women still win hands down for most oppressed and abused)
I get tired of repeatedly addressing these tropes which are meant to deflect that fact. Here are a few of the more egregious and often mentioned ones, dismantled. That way, I can simply link this post in the future and save myself some time:
- Men are victimized by women because they have a much harder time getting good child custody rights.
Well, last time I checked, women do not award child custody in their own divorces. Judges do that, and female judges only make up about 30% of the bench. Patriarchal society still believes that the very highest calling for women is motherhood, so it’s not surprising really that even male judges often feel like children belong with their mothers, even in the modern age.
If you don’t think motherhood is still canonized and expected in that way, just ask a married woman with no children about how she constantly has to keep justifying herself, even to acquaintances and strangers. Ask Republicans why they disfavor abortion, but also disfavor contraception. Ask why most states still have laws on the books making any sex act that does not lead to procreation illegal.
Conclusion: Patriarchal society expects women to be mothers and supports that role. Consequently, judges often give preferential treatment to mothers in custody disputes.
2. Men are victimized by women because they go off to fight wars, taking all the risks and hardship in order to keep women safe. Women presumably sit at home with their feet up.
Again, last time I checked, men start all the wars (women are not in enough positions of power in the government or military for it to be otherwise). The wars are quite often for the economic interests of a few men at the top of the patriarchal hierarchy, leaving lower value men and women to take the brunt of most of the hardship.
And in the case of having to defend ourselves against aggressors, men haven’t done this alone in recent memory (although probably really not ever). Women have been always been spies and resistance fighters, as well as nurses, doctors and ambulance drivers near the front lines. “Over sixteen hundred female nurses received various decorations for courage under fire (in WWII).”
WACS and WAVES were integral parts of the WWII war effort, repairing planes, driving trucks and flying supply missions.
Women enlisted “for the duration plus six months”. They served not only in the Army (WAC), but also with the Navy (WAVES) and Coast Guard (SPARs). Although never officially members of the armed forces, Women Air Force Service Pilots (WASPs) provided critical support for the war effort.
Millions of women like Rosie the Rivetor worked in shipyards and factories, very often providing munitions and war supplies. And what about all of the unpaid work, planting Victory gardens and running previously 2-parent families single-handedly while trying to work outside the home? And that was all 80 years ago.
Women have been progressively more involved in dangerous areas and combat-related missions with every succeeding conflict. To say nothing of the fact that as of 2015 nearly all combat jobs in the military are now open to women and that selective services laws, which only apply to males, have been enacted by overwhelmingly male governing bodies.
Conclusion: Women don’t just sit comfortably and safely at home being “protected” during wartime.
3. Men are victimized by women because we don’t talk about or take seriously male rape or domestic abuse.
Violent crime and rape (of men and women) are both overwhelmingly perpetrated by men. The one place where statistically women even come close is in the case of domestic violence. The National Domestic Violence Hotline says, “1 in 4 women (24.3%) and 1 in 7 men (13.8%) aged 18 and older in the United States have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. This is a staggering statistic on both counts and should be addressed and taken seriously all around.
*The following is an amendment to the previously published article, reflecting additional information brought to my attention in one of the comments.
There are two types of domestic abuse: Situational couple violence and intimate terrorism (how we typically think of domestic abuse).
The violent acts involved in both situational couple violence and intimate terrorism can range from relatively innocuous behavior, such as pushing and shoving, to life-threatening attacks or homicide, and both types of violent relationships can involve anything from infrequent, isolated incidents to regular assaults. In the case of frequent situational couple violence, for example, the relationship may involve areas of conflict that continue to be unresolved and one or more partners who regularly choose to resort to violence in the context of those conflicts. In the case of infrequent intimate terrorism, one assault may be enough to establish a level of fear that allows the intimate terrorist to exert control almost exclusively by means of nonviolent tactics. Thus, the two types of violence are not defined by the nature or frequency of violent acts but solely in terms of the relationship-level control context in which they are embedded. Intimate terrorism is violence that is embedded in a general pattern of control; situational couple violence is not. (emphasis mine)
This reference article is long and scholarly but for me, this was an important distinction: “In a similar example of the clarity to be gained by distinguishing between types of violence, Johnson has shown that the longstanding debate regarding the gender symmetry of domestic violence can be resolved by making his distinctions. Reanalyzing data from Frieze’s Pittsburgh study (Frieze & Browne, 1989), he has shown that situational couple violence in hetero- sexual relationships is roughly gender symmetric, whereas intimate terrorism is perpetrated almost entirely by men.”
In other words, the type of domestic violence that is all about control and intimidation is perpetrated almost entirely by men. This does not excuse violence of either type by either gender, but it does further point to the realities of patriarchal dynamics in this issue. The other problem is that in a patriarchal society, men are supposed to be big, strong, and in charge.
The way we construct masculinity excludes weakness and assumes men will be physically dominant over one another and over women. It’s what sociologist Paul Kivel calls the “act-like-a-man box,” in which men are expected to be violent and in control, particularly in control of women, while supressing their emotions and sucking it up whenever life doesn’t go their way. When a man steps outside of this box, he is often ridiculed as weak or as not being a “real” man.
Needless to say, this actively contributes to men being reluctant to come forward or to ask for assistance when violence is perpetrated against them by a female. And when they do, sometimes men are shamed or not taken seriously. But once again, this is a problem that stems from patriarchal culture. If being considered manly didn’t necessarily require all of the above characteristics, this would not be the case.
Conclusion: A culture that glorifies violence as the manly (and thereby desirable) way to handle your problems isn’t doing anyone any favors. And a patriarchal culture that shames or dismisses men who have been abused by women as being weak or lacking in masculinity means that this very real and serious issue stays largely in the shadows.
Final Conclusion: The Patriarchy hurts men and women alike. In order to create better lives for all citizens, we need to have a society that values both traditionally masculine and traditionally feminine characteristics equally and allows people to be whatever blend of those they actually are, without censure or shame.
Final, Final Conclusion: Before tossing out “tribal markers” that you’ve heard someone else say, consider whether or not they have any substance or truth beyond an initial impression of validity. Consider whether or not you are engaging in an actual conversation or just trying to defend your ideology. Are you trying to figure out how to make this world a better place for all, or not?
- I frequently refer here to “both genders” but recognized that gender is more than binary, and have simply used those terms for sake of simplicity.
