Summary

The article humorously discusses the societal trends and industries that Millennials are purportedly "killing," including fine dining, having children, student loans, the American Dream, capitalism, the concept of "things," and wealth disparity.

Abstract

The piece, written by an self-identified "angry Millennial," satirically responds to the common narrative that Millennials are responsible for the decline of various traditional industries and social norms. It lists several targets of this generational "killing spree," such as the preference for experiences over material possessions, the rejection of traditional dining and family structures due to financial constraints, and the push towards socialism as a response to economic hardships and political disillusionment. The author also touches on the irony of the student loan crisis, where Millennials are inadvertently dismantling the loan industry by defaulting on their debts. The article concludes with a tongue-in-cheek acknowledgment of the economic struggles faced by Millennials, framing their lifestyle changes as a necessary response to the circumstances they've inherited.

Opinions

Millennials are intentionally and unapologetically moving away from outdated industries and social conventions, as decided by the fictitious "Council of Millennials."
The idea of spending excessively on fine dining is seen as frivolous and out of touch with Millennial financial realities, unless it can be leveraged for social media influence.
The traditional notion of starting a family is being challenged by the economic pressures of raising children, leading to a decline in birth rates among Millennials.
Student loans are an unsustainable burden, and the industry may collapse due to widespread default, reflecting a systemic failure rather than individual irresponsibility.
The American Dream is increasingly unattainable for Millennials, who face financial barriers to home ownership and economic stability.
There is a growing interest in democratic socialism among Millennials, inspired by the perceived success of Scandinavian models and dissatisfaction with current political and economic systems.
The article suggests a metaphorical "composting" of the wealthy elite, proposing that their resources should be redistributed to support sustainable agriculture and the broader populace.
Millennials prioritize experiences over the accumulation of "things," a shift attributed to the impact of the Great Recession on their values and aspirations.
The author expresses frustration with the economic legacy left by previous generations, using humor and sarcasm to critique the societal expectations placed on Millennials.

Seven Things that Millennials are Killing Next

Another dumb bunch of stuff on the internet.

After hearing all about how Millennials are killing a bunch of crappy Boomer things, I, an angry Millennial, have deemed it necessary to respond. We are constantly being accused of killing things that probably need to die anyway (like golf — who plays golf anymore, anyway?), and since it must be part of our sinister plan, I’ll let you in on a secret: it is.

The Council of Millennials was formed during the Great Recession to determine which industries need to go. We are killing Applebees, cable TV, and marriage, and there are so many things on the horizon that will be getting the ax that I figured I’d share a few with you today.

So, since the internet functions on listicles and suffering, here are some number of things that Millennials are killing next.

Fine Dining

That’s right, we came for your casual sit-down restaurants, now we’re coming for your fancy twelve-course meals! The premise of spending a rent payment on one meal is outlandish to us unless we have at least 10,000 Instagram followers and can get a viral post out of it.

Children

No, not literally, with a few rare exceptions. We can’t really afford the little buggers since it costs several hundred thousand dollars to raise one and we ain’t got that kind of money, what with our avocado toast bills.

Student Loans

We will be killing the student loan industry soon! Not because we intend to (although we do), but because we are all defaulting on our loans, and the loan companies can’t afford to have us all default at the same time. I mean, you try paying loans for ten years and owing more than you started with!

The American Dream

You know, because we can’t afford it. See Student Loans, above.

Capitalism

After watching the country elect a cartoon supervillain straight out of Captain Planet, we’ve been scratching our heads about what to do. Until that is, Bernie Sanders brought us Democratic Socialism from on high. When we look over at Scandinavia and see how well they’re doing, and then look at the Dumpster fire that is the U.S., we’re all about Socialism now!

Rich People

Rich people have more money than they know what to do with, and by and large, they waste it on extravagances. There are some proposals out there from prominent Twitter and Instagram users to eat the rich so they can properly contribute. Many of us find that suggestion abhorrent. There are too many communicable diseases from eating people. Instead, we need to compost the rich so they can contribute to growing sustainable crops. Return the means of production to the people!

Things

Haven’t you heard? Millennials don’t care about things, they care about experiences. Things are so 2008. You know, before the recession that killed our hopes and dreams.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my preview of what we’re killing next. I know that I may sound salty with some of this, but I can assure you that it is salt from the deluge of Millennial tears as we cry into our $5 lattes that we need to cut out so we can save an extra $1,300 a year. Thanks, Boomers!

Seven Old Traditions Millennials are Killing

I am writing this article to prove a point, but not the one you might think.

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