Self-Help Book Review: The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks

I’m learning that I can still improve myself and unlock more ways to be happier.

Last night my husband and I were having a cocktail. He’d just finished doing some work on my daycare’s backyard playground.

I’m opening back up today, writing this early in the morning before my first child arrives.

As we sat outside, listening to music and chatting, I executed a move right out of the self-help book I’d just finished reading.

The book is called “The Big Leap” By Gay Hendricks, and it’s all about overcoming inner obstacles to happiness and success.

It’s about how we do things to set an upper limit on our joy. When we reach a certain level of success, we sabotage ourselves because we feel uncomfortable.

He traces the roots of these upper limits to our childhood and sets out four basic reasons why we learn to limit ourselves.

The book is an easy read, unpretentious and straightforward, and when I started it, my instinct was to blow it off as a bit too “on the nose.”

But even though I was skeptical at first, it was the universal themes that ultimately made the book relatable for me.

Last night in the backyard, having a lovely drink and a friendly chat, I managed to ruin our pleasant conversation.

I suppose I still have some built-up resentment from my past. I’ve dealt with most of it, but I still get a bee in my bonnet sometimes, and in these tense times, it’s hard not to.

So, since we always take things out on the people we’re closest to, I managed to ruin the conversation with a few choice words and my inability to let things go.

Luckily for me, I married someone who loves me unconditionally and forgives me abundantly.

But last night, it got to the point where he’d had enough. So he got up and walked away, leaving me there to stew in my juices and I will admit, I deserved it.

Later, in the hindsight that can only come in the throes of a midnight hot flash, I realized I’d done the very thing I’d been reading about!

In the book, Gay says that sometimes when people get to a level of success above what they’re used to, they instinctively work to bring themselves back down.

He identifies four hidden barriers established in childhood that cause us to become uncomfortable with success, such as the “crime” of outshining a sibling.

It’s these four barriers that cause us to limit ourselves and we employ a whole host of behaviors to that end.

Some people start fights in their relationships. Chronic worry and criticism are also typical behaviors. Some people have inexplicable illnesses or accidents when things get going too good.

Thinking back to last night, my husband and I had just made a really great 18-month plan earlier that day. I’ve been having some success myself with some creative endeavors, so we were also discussing that.

Suddenly it hit me. Last night while we were celebrating all of this success, my instinct was to ruin the moment.

This isn’t really a revelation because I’ve been susceptible to this behavior most of my adult life. It’s been my pattern to ruin things as soon as they start going too well. It was an especially big problem when I was young, before the years of therapy that eventually led me here.

I’ve had loads of therapy, but I still managed to have several revelations while reading this book. There were some things I hadn’t put together until last night when I thought about what happened.

It got me wondering, how many little fights I’ve started with my husband to counteract feeling too good, and even though I don’t always do this, I can see that I do it sometimes.

I do think I still struggle with the impulse to limit my happiness, even if I don’t always act on it.

I think we all have defense mechanisms that are more harmful than helpful.

We do things to keep the familiar patterns of childhood perpetuated and distract ourselves from how we’re really feeling.

In my music days, I’d drink too much before shows until my drummer recorded a particularly bad performance to teach me a lesson.

Back then, it was a combination of self-medication and self-destruction, that kept me off my game, two things I actively avoid now. But there are other more subtle ways to tear yourself down when you feel too good.

This book addresses all of these.

The good news is that like all self-help books, it lays out strategies to help overcome the problem, and the very act of becoming aware of an issue is always the first step in overcoming it.

So while we may not master ourselves instantly, it puts us in the driver’s seat.

By acknowledging a behavior, it makes it impossible to unsee what you’ve seen.

So I’ve apologized to my husband, and I’m taking note of what happened.

I’m also setting out to do some more work on myself and taking Gay’s advice from the book.

I’m learning everything from how to live in my “Zone of Genius,” by using his ultimate success mantra to becoming comfortable with the idea of “Einstein Time.” It’s a different way to experience time that lessens anxiety.

These things may sound a little gimmicky but embracing them has been helpful.

I’m going to allow myself to feel good about my successes while becoming more aware of my combative tendencies.

The next time I’m sharing a quiet moment with my husband, I’m going to monitor myself. I’m going to nip that mean little voice right in the bud before it can ruin my fun.

After all, she’s not needed anymore. I’m allowed to be happy, and I’m allowed to celebrate my life’s wins.

So, for anyone who notices the same tendencies in themselves or for anyone who struggles with embracing happiness, I recommend the book “The Great Leap” by Gay Hendricks.

It’s easy to read, full of good advice, and the kind of keen insights that can cause paradigm shifts and epiphanies. I found it very helpful.

Sometimes I think I know everything there is to know about myself, after all, I’ve been working on me for a long time.

It’s nice to know that I can still have revelations, that I’m still a work in progress and that I can change. It’s comforting to know that no matter how old I get, I can always improve myself and unlock more ways to be happier.

“Your own Self-Realization is the greatest service you can render the world.” ― Ramana Maharshi

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