Self Discovery: Where Have I Been All My Sexy Life?
Answering the lock down challenge questions
Thank you, Alison Tennent, for putting me on the spot. You should know I will repay you, someday, sometime, when you least expect it. By the way, who is/are Besom & Bletherskite ?
This is going to be very difficult to complete because there were some major changes in my life I was looking forward to that had to be put on hold. This caused me to lose a lot of money, and to stay in a situation I was looking forward to getting out of quickly. It has been the source of much emotion, none of it good, and it has been exacerbated by this pandemic.
But, hey. Shit happens, right?
- What have you missed the most during lock down?
Strip clubs.
I was really excited to hear they opened a drive thru strip club. But when I looked it up, I discovered it was in Oregon. Bummed me out, man. So I packed a bag and made the trip, alone, 27 hours. Alone. Isolated. Wearing a mask alone in my car.
Once I got there, I was so impressed, I gave her a two dollar tip. She reached out with this six foot stick that had a bowl at the end with a Lysol can in it, wearing her rubber gloves and N95 mask, and told me to spray the money with the Lysol before I put it in the cup. Then she took the tip money and told me to imagine I was putting it in her g-string, while she did it herself. Just didn’t seem the same for some reason.
Honestly, going to the movies and restaurants, walking around a store without masks and social distancing, swimming laps at my gym, and the lack of fear in regards to my children’s future. Oh, and practicing flirting with the lay-deez!
2. What’s the best thing about being in lock down?
Well, nothing, for me. I have to work. But I guess not being home while my wife and teen son are fighting like brother and sister. On the days I am home, I try to write, but generally am too mentally and emotionally exhausted to write until very late or very early.
However, I will say that everyone else being in lock down has been great! My commute went from over an hour to just 20 minutes! I’ll surely miss that if the traffic ever returns to normal.
3. What has been the worst thing about being in lock down?
Not being able to wear my Speedo in public.
Well, again, I am not in lock down except on the weekends. With the weather getting nicer, I miss the beaches, BBQ’s, sitting outside on the patio with a fire going while the wife and kid yell at each other upstairs, and my drunk neighbor and his son smoking pot next door. Actually the patio part is what I do now. . .and what I did before. But I could do without the odor of the stink weed.
Truly, though, I miss going to the gym and swimming my laps (in my Speedo). I was just getting into a groove when the pool and gym shut down. Now, when he is not being punished for talking back to his mom, he plays a lot of video games. I also don’t like the fact that we missed the peak seller’s market in housing just before lock down. However, we hope the market recovers quickly and rates stay low, so I can get a new Speedo that isn’t quite so tight. . .I know, you’re imagining me in my Speedo. Yep, it’s as good as you imagine!
4. Who would you have liked to host in your home during the lock down and why?
Well, no one. I’m pretty much a sociopathic introvert.
No, wait. I take that back. There are several writers that I have met on Medium that it would be fun to host in my home all at once (for a short time. . .no long stays, please). Kristi Keller, Kevin Buddaeus, Susan Brearley, P.G. Barnett, Holly Jahangiri, Mr. Weirdo, Sherry McGuinn, Julia E Hubbel Timothy Key, Lori Brown and several others. Please don’t feel slighted if I didn’t tag you. You’re invited, too. Especially if you have an accent.
But, man, what a party that would be. Kevin would be reading his poetry, Holly would be correcting his grammar, Mr. Weirdo would be egging Kevin on to irritate Holly, PG Barnett would be getting hit on by all the ladies, Kristi would be going around and saying “Hey, you hosers! Where’s the Molson, eh?” in her Canadian accent, Susan will be dressed as a cute pirate with a stuffed parrot on her shoulder going around saying, “Arg, mateys!”, Julia would be challenging everyone to arm wrestling (and winning, of course), Tim would be sitting in the lounge chair, sleeping in front of the television like firefighters do when they’re on duty, and Sherry would be trying to put red lipstick on all the men, telling them they’ll feel empowered. . .oh, and Lori will be moping in the corner, feeling bad about not inviting me to her house during lock down.
Oh, and maybe when they’re gone, I’ll invite over a few of the sex writers from some of the sex publications. Mind you, just for advice. I’m thinking of starting a new pen name and writing about sex, and I’ll need some experience, er, advice, to write about.
How’s “Hanging Chad” sound for my new sex-writer pen name?
5. What have you discovered about yourself in lock down?
Well, I was lonely before lock down, so not much difference there. I know. . . By now you’re all getting out your tiny violins and playing sad, pitiful music for Ol’ Chuckie Baby. Well guess what? Keep playing ’cause I LIKE it!
Seriously, I cannot wait to sell my house and rid myself of many of my possessions and simplify my life. I’m going to downsize to a small apartment and learn to live with less material things. . .except a boat. I want to buy a boat. And a motorcycle. . .I want to buy a motorcycle. And a new laptop. And two jet skis. Oh, and a new 4 wheel drive SUV so I can take the kids camping. And I’ll need the SUV to carry my new camping gear, kayaks, and tow my boat. We all need to feel hope in our lives again, and soon. And kick start the economy by buying all those things.
6. What did you eat (or drink) the most during the lock down?
This one is easy. When I go to work I take three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I love apricot, strawberry, and orange marmalade and preserves. Then I’ll bring a banana or two and an apple. Then at work, someone will have brought donuts, so I sneak an extra one. Oh, and usually during the day, I’ll buy two Twix ice cream bars from the vending machines to keep my energy up.
Like I said, I need a new Speedo, xxx-large. . .for this new Dad-Bod women can only dream of. . .
7. Apart from sleeping and working what activities did you undertake the most during the lock down?
Looking at porn while trying to buy a new Speedo on line.
Working, writing for Medium, reading books and Medium stories, cleaning out the house and separating things to donate, keep, throw away, and store in our storage unit. Like a lot of people, cleaning out the clutter. Unfortunately, with all of the donation places closed, all the clutter we were going to donate now sits in bags and boxes in the same place it was before.
8. Will you come out of lock down heavier or lighter?
Yes, guaranteed.
Depends on when it will be lifted. I started out great, eating healthy and walking about 5 miles a day. That was just after the pool closed, so I was in good shape already. I lost weight and slimmed down a lot. Then, when I promoted to supervisor, I began to eat more and walk less due to the increase in admin work.
Now, I am changing my eating habits and bringing one peanut butter and jam sandwich, no donuts and no ice cream. I have also stopped eating after 7 pm. . .except for a big bowl of chocolate covered raisins. ’Cause, um, raisins are healthy and, um, so is chocolate. You know, the release of endorphins and all that stuff. . .
9. What resource has helped you most during the lock down?
Internet porn. Chocolate covered raisins. My psyche meds. . .okay, and Medium.
10. What is your top tip for other people in lock down right now?
Stay off the internet. It’s slowing my connection down.
All joking aside, if you are not working, stay positive, eat healthy, take advantage of the time to get to know your kids, and exercise every chance you get. And read my articles.
11. How has lock down changed you?
Well, after re-reading some of my answers, it appears as if I am contemplating exhibitionism behaviors a lot more than before. And I seem to have sex on the brain. But it’s the exhibitionism that intrigues me, especially now that wearing masks in public is condoned.
Again, honestly? I am anxious to try my new socialization skills. As well as my new sex skills. I really think porn has taught me what women really want.
12. If you were to leave a ‘message in a bottle’ for the future, what would you say?
Go into the deepest, darkest bowels of the internet, find my old stories, and turn me into a legend.
Don’t believe the Republican version of what really happened in the Pandemic of 2020.
One last question, where are you?
I am in a top secret research facility, deep underground, where I am being held prisoner and being tortured and experimented on by beautiful Amazonian women wearing fur bikinis who are curious to know how strong the male sex drive is, and how to make great BBQ on the grill.
I broke during the sex drive portion of the torture/experiment, but I am still holding the secrets to how to cook on a grill.
Please, do NOT send help.
Chuck Roast is a humorist (“humourist” for those of you who like the “incorrect” spelling)for the publication Illumination, a Top Writer in Satire and Humor, owner/editor/writer of his own Publication, Dad-Bods, which is currently sitting idle while he develops his social media skills and gains more exposure through manipulation of said social media. He is branching out to try and take Top Writer awards in other topics from other writers. He was recently curated for the first time, in Poetry of all things, for his poetic story, Remember the Founders and Their Reasons.
Here are the links to his accounts, LinkedIn, Twitter. Comments are always appreciated. Thanks for reading. Write On!