Satan’s Chocolate Ice Cream

So sinful that you’ll definitely go to hell if you eat it

I’m a painter and a writer, but the creation I’m most proud of in the entire world is my chocolate ice cream. For all you chocolate lovers out there, this stuff is intense.

It’s loosely based on the golden ratio for 1.5-Quart ice cream machines (2 Cups heavy cream to 1 Cup whole milk) but the specifics are completely original.

What you’ll need: · An ice cream maker — here’s the one I have, though mine’s an older model · All the ingredients · Spoons n’ whatnot · A freezer · A mouth · Lactose tolerance

What’s nice to have, but can be done without: · A double boiler · A blender · A positive attitude (this recipe is so easy that the ice cream practically makes itself, but it’ll be even easier if you believe in yourself.)

Ingredients: · 2 Cups heavy cream · 1 Cup whole milk · 5 oz unsweetened baking chocolate* · 2 TBS unsweetened cocoa powder · ½ Cup sugar · ½ Cup pure maple syrup** · ¼ Cup dark brown sugar · 1 tsp pure bourbon vanilla extract · ½ tsp salt · Chopped peanut butter cups or whatever***

* Unsweetened baking chocolate comes in 4-ounce packages. I understand this is annoying, but if you only use 4 ounces instead of 5, you’ll only be cheating yourself.

** I shouldn’t even have to say this, but Log Cabin, Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, and the like are not maple syrup. Maple syrup comes out of a maple tree, not a laboratory.

*** This is technically optional, but not really. I alternate between 60% cacao Lindt truffles, dark chocolate Trader Joe's peanut butter cups, and dark chocolate sea salt candy bars. Also, chocolate chips.

Preparation: Making ice cream isn’t like baking cookies, where you can decide on a whim “Hey, I wanna make cookies tonight!” Ice cream takes prep.

Most importantly, the machine’s bowl needs to be frozen. The instructions say this takes 6 hours, but I find my bowl needs at least 24. I make so much ice cream that I have two bowls and almost always have one in the freezer ready to go.

The mixed batter needs to chill in the refrigerator, too. Supposedly, an hour or two is all you need, but I like to play it safe and refrigerate it overnight. If either the bowl or your ice cream ingredients haven’t been chilled enough, it will never freeze and you’ll be left with a sugary syrup, which tastes good but isn’t ice cream.

You also want to freeze whatever you’re planning to stir in there, such as the chopped candy bits and chocolate chips. Basically, you want everything to be as cold as possible when it comes time to pour it into the machine.

OK, now for the steps:

1. Melt the baking chocolate. You can do this in the microwave, but the advantage of a double boiler is that you can stir in many of the other ingredients while the chocolate is melting. Technically, once the chocolate is melted, you can just mix everything else together, but that’s not how I do it.
2. Add the milk to the melted chocolate until completely incorporated.
3. Add the cocoa powder and salt

4. Add the sugar, brown sugar, and maple syrup

5. Blender time — add the cream and vanilla to the mixture you have so far, and just blend the shit out it. Sure, you can mix it with a spoon, but the blender gets rid of the cocoa powder and chocolate clumps.

6. Chill overnight

7. Chop up the candy and freeze overnight.

8. Churn! Follow the machine’s instructions, but each flavor freezes a little differently. I find that it takes this chocolate ice cream between 35–40 minutes to completely solidify. Stir in the chopped candy during the last 5 minutes of the freezing process.

9. Let it set in the freezer for a couple of hours.

10. Eat the ice cream!

A few notes: Making your own ice cream is not cost-effective. You can buy an entire gallon of the off-brand stuff at any supermarket for less than the price of just the heavy cream.

The good news is this particular chocolate recipe has such a high-fat content that you can actually replace the heavy cream and whole milk with 3 Cups of (full-fat) Half & Half. I wouldn’t try this with most other recipes, though, unless you like your ice cream icy.

Of course, they just raised the price of unsweetened baking chocolate, so that sucks.

To be making homemade ice cream in this economy, you either have to be rich, financially irresponsible, or just totally addicted to ice cream. In my case, it’s the last 2 out of 3.

I suppose it’s fine for special occasions, and you can always justify making it for someone else as a gift. If I end up going to hell for eating too much chocolate, this naughty ice cream is what I’ll make for Satan on his birthday.

If any of you do end up splurging and trying out this recipe, please comment on how it turned out.

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