LIFE LESSONS

Why You Should Face Your Personal Demon — the One You Don’t Want to Talk About

Discover the simple secret to supercharging your influence over others

I was talking with a friend in the gym last week.

We were discussing our “personal demons,” the things we know are bad for us, but still require a mile of mental barbed-wire to keep them away from corrupting the parts of our lives we value the most.

“Mine’s sugar,” he said. “That piece of Danish in the morning is just too hard to give up.”

I nodded but didn’t say anything. Not because I don’t have an equivalent weakness for sweets, because I do. My once-a-week Snickers is definitely something I should do without. But in this case, a candy bar wasn’t what came to mind.

Instead, I’d focused on a much different culprit — one far more serious than eating a couple hundred calories of sugar and fat. Not comfortable disclosing it to my workout buddy, I finally mumbled something about a fondness for carbs and went back to my workout.

The demon I’d refused to reveal is something I’ve struggled with most of my life

Even after working on it for years, it continues to linger.

Granted, I’ve made a lot of progress. Compared to a decade ago, it’s only a shadow of what it used to be. But I still have to watch it like a hawk, because I know it’s just waiting to sneak back in and wreak its special kind of havoc on the quality of my life.

And so, every day, I remind myself to leave my ego outside in the cold . . . to die.

I’ll admit, that wasn’t always the case. For a long time, I told myself it came with the territory, that competing to be the best in my industry took a “healthy ego.” But that was a lie. There’s nothing healthy about ego — especially when trying to pass it off as confidence.

Confidence is the quiet sense of knowing you can do something. Ego is the desperate need to be recognized for it.

I remember the first time I was given the opportunity to learn the difference.

I was twenty years old, listening to one of my college professors “warn” the class about Ph.D. candidates, and how the majority of those working on their doctorate often demonstrated a sense of superiority about themselves.

“They believe they’re smarter, have more to contribute, and want to be recognized for the title that will soon be permanently attached to their name,” she said.

Then this dreamy look came over her face as she turned her head upward and said, “In fact, you can just feel it when you’re around them.”

Oh, by the way, she was one of those Ph.D. candidates. She made that clear every time she began one of her long-winded dissertations. “You know, before I decided to enter the graduate program, my thinking on the subject was limited to blah, blah, blah. But now, I see things from an elevated perspective.”

It didn’t take long before her students began reacting with a choreographed wave of not-too-subtle hand gestures emphasizing a preference to being gagged with a spoon if it would end the class sooner.

What made this situation particularly sad is most of us had known this woman for at least two years — before she’d become enamored with her own self-importance. She’d taught first and second-year physics, then transferred to the engineering department to teach programming. She was intelligent, articulate, and when I met her as an entry-level teaching assistant, she’d had a wonderful personality. On top of that, she was an attractive 28-year-old, close to the age of many of her students.

But after recently entering the Ph.D. program, her ego had grown so toxic, she’d become difficult to be around. And her students — the ones who had always invited her to sit with them in the student union and often made it a point to include her in their party invites — began to avoid her.

But here’s the surprising part: She didn’t seem to care

As far as she was concerned, she was made of superior stuff. She didn’t want to be seen socializing with the less-accomplished. She considered her soon-to-be-awarded credentials as a status buffer, separating her from the very people who had appreciated her the most.

I can tell you that letting your ego run wild will change your life — usually for the worse.

Surrounding yourself with false bravado and superficial arrogance will get you disparaged and ridiculed the moment your back is turned. And anything you say is automatically discounted because people will consider the source before they think about the message.

If you want to influence others, treat them as equals — even when there’s an obvious difference in education, income, or professional accomplishment.

Make no mistake: Others know when they’re around someone who’s smarter, more capable, or accomplished. You don’t need to remind them.

And here’s what’s really interesting

When you treat everyone as peers, many of them will tell others how much smarter you are, or how successful you’ve become. In fact, they’ll become your biggest cheerleader — because even as you gain more success and recognition, you continue to leave your door open, refusing to make hero-worship a requirement of your relationship.

Regardless of educational, professional, or personal achievements, self-flattery and vanity status are the seeds of conceit, arrogance, and narcissism. Don’t let them take root, especially if your goal is to influence and improve the lives of others.

© 2021 Roger Reid. All Rights Reserved.

Roger A. Reid, Ph.D. is the author Better Mondays and Speak Up

Roger A. Reid, Ph.D. is the host of Success Point 360 Podcast and author of Better Mondays and Speak Up. A certified NLP trainer with degrees in engineering and business, Roger offers tips and strategies for achieving higher levels of career success and personal fulfillment in the real world.