Reverse Shoplifting

Have you ever tried it?

I once knew a woman who was a pathological shoplifter. She simply could not go into a store without trying to steal something. To her it was a challenge. It empowered her. She drew huge amounts of energy from engaging in it. It was like drinking a case of Red Bull. I once attended a party at this woman’s home and before I left I checked all my pockets to make sure nothing was missing.

I don’t need the karma. Believe me, I don’t. I don’t do it. Maybe it was my upbringing or those years in a Taoist monastery but I just don’t get empowered by something like that. Instead of getting jazzed up I’d be peeing in my pants.

But I have to be honest and admit, in front of the whole world, right here and right now, that I have in fact once engaged in the opposite of shoplifting — which is, of course, Reverse Shoplifting.

What? You don’t know what reverse shoplifting is? Seriously? You’ve never done it? Okay, I see that I need to do some explaining before I continue…

Shoplifting is when you put on a big winter coast (no matter the season — trench coats work well) and you walk into a store. As you browse the shelves you look around to see if anyone is watching then you open your coat slightly with one hand while you quickly remove an item off the shelf with your other hand and slide it into a pocket on the inside of your coat. With all pockets full you then nervously leave the store.

Reverse Shoplifting is putting on a big winter coat and filling each inside pocket with copies of all your books. You then go into a used bookstore and casually browse the whole store. At just the right time you look all around you to see if anyone is watching you. With as little motion as possible, you slip one of your books out of your coat and you place it on the shelf!

Instead of taking something off a shelf, you put something onto it. This is reverse shoplifting.

You keep browsing because your books fall into different categories, not just one. You slowly and slyly place all of your books in all their correct categories in the correct alphabetical order within that category. After all, you’re a book freak. You want your books to feel at home in the proper place and you don’t want them sticking out for any of the staff to notice.

And it does not matter that it is a used bookstore and all the copies of your books that you reverse shoplifted are in brand new mint condition. This will only further entice shoppers to buy it. (Provided, of course, that the clerk can figure out what it is and what its price is despite the fact that it is not in their computer system.)

Rest assured, the bookstore clerk will find a way to sell the book(s) and then the customer will go home with hopefully at least one copy of your books under their arm. The book will then become a part of their home until its energy radiates so strongly that the customer will finally pick up the book and start reading the dang thing!

How brilliantly diabolical is that?

Of course once you have reverse shoplifted the next order of the day is to nervously leave the bookstore without being caught. But you can’t do that. Why not? Because you are a certified book freak. You’ve been around books all your life. You’ve worked in bookstores. You owned your own bookstore once, for crying out loud. And most importantly, you have taken the sacred oath of all book freaks! You simply cannot go into a bookstore without buying a book!

It’s in our blood.

So, with empty pockets, you return to browsing the bookstore. You are hoping a book literally jumps off a shelf and hits you in the noggin. (If that ever happens to you be sure to buy the book immediately and read it. It obviously has some message for you!) But that doesn’t happen while browsing so while in the Classic Literature section you just pick up the first book that seems to emanate sufficient vibes.

You buy the book then you go out to your car and sigh incredibly huge sighs of relief. You didn’t get caught!

And then you look at the used book you bought. It’s an early 1950s hardcover edition of Catcher in the Rye, by J. D. Salinger. Surely it’s worth more than the $5.99 you paid for it. Suddenly you feel even better than just having left copies of all your books on the shelves of a used bookstore. You just had the ultimate used bookstore experience!

It is something Red Bull can never provide you with.

I think it was around a dozen years I ago or so that I engaged in this questionable activity. I was on a business car trip from one city to another. It was a long trip. With a full box of my books in the trunk of my car, I realized that there were about 8 or 10 small towns between one city and the next. I stopped in every one of those towns and searched for a local used bookstore. It turned out there were 4. Plus there were more in each of the two big cities. I stopped in every one of those bookstores and committed reverse shoplifting. And I never got caught.

When I returned home my box of books was empty.

Suddenly, there were 8 used bookstores in the country that were now carrying my books — even if they didn’t know it. My little business trip was a hundred times more successful than I thought it might be. And, thankfully, I did not get caught.

I have not committed reverse shoplifting since that road trip so many years ago. I’m just too afraid of getting caught. What will people say? What will they think? Will my reputation, no matter how microscopic it is, be forever ruined? Will everything that I’ve lived for for over a half century be lost forever? Will it all end? Will every word I’ve ever written be erased from the skein of time and space?

You can see how hard it is for me to publicly admit to such questionable, quasi-felonious deeds. I could lose everything! It could be the end for me.

But still I feel the need to bare my naked soul. How can anyone go beyond something without admitting it and taking responsibility? How can anyone be ever free of the torment of guilt which grips their soul? How can anyone be truly honest without revealing their deepest and darkest and most bizarre secrets? I’ve simply got to come clean.

And as I do so I can’t help but wondering. Has anyone else done such a horrible thing? Has anyone even thought to do so? Has anyone else ever reverse shoplifted before?

Or am I the only one?

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction.

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