Restoring Confidence after an Emotionally Confusing Relationship

You’ve Got This!

Our confidence is one of the biggest attributes attacked by narcissistic abusers. They wanted to destroy our ability to perform and lose our sense of identity and follow them.

Our confidence in who we are was a threat to a narcissist, so they tried to come full force at it.

According to an article, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by grandiosity, lack of empathy, entitlement, and use of tactics that demoralizes others to name a few.

While we were being targeted, we may have felt emotionally deflated, robbed, not at peace, confused, stressed, anxious, alone, afraid, terrified, and isolated to name a few.

We may take it to heart and carry the burden internally.

We may feel responsible for the things that are not our fault and this can take a heavy toll on our confidence, abilities, mindset, and even our health.

Let’s talk a little about what confidence is, and it may not be what you think and ways to rebuild it after enduring narcissistic abuse.

Short Story Time

When I used to think of confidence, I had a picture of a well-dressed man or woman, who was the leader in the room. He or she was directing individuals and keeping things in order. They had what I viewed as “confidence” because they spoke loudly, and gave direction to which others followed (willingly or not).

This person portrays the image that they “have it all together” — they can move a room, people follow and this is the ultimate goal or so I thought. I thought this exemplified confidence and this image was the role model to obtain. Is this true confidence? What do you think?

Or, is confidence displayed when a bunch of girls go out for a night? Is the “loud one” the most confident? Does volume have anything to do with confidence?

Does society teach that confidence is exemplified by being loud?

Let me assure you this image of success, confidence, may just be a farce.

I no longer see things this way.

Inner confidence and quietness of strength is the confidence I live and breathe — and it is to a whole new tune, a new tune of freedom and refreshment.

During narcissistic abuse, we are taught to conform, to give up our identity, and release who we were meant to be to take on “slavery”, covertly.

Confidence to me now is the quiet internal ability to set out and not only do the very things I want and desire to do but believe in myself enough to set out to try to accomplish them. It boils down to me believing in my ability to move forward.

It’s my own belief, and it’s dictated by a different set of standards. I am not saying that in these scenarios that these people are not confident, or confident leaders, they very well may be, but it’s the image that was my model of it, that is no more. I have a new model of confidence.

HOW DO WE REBUILD OUR CONFIDENCE?

1. NO CONTACT

No Contact is an essential step to remove the toxicity and to start to move forward.

Soon after I had established no contact, I was still near-sighted. My vision for what I could do was being affected by my circumstances. My confidence was very low at this point and I had some doubt about my abilities.

Related: What Changed after I went No Contact?

At the same time, I had a deep feeling and knowledge that I was going to make it. I was going to be able to escape, that I will recover, and it will change my life.

Overcoming narcissistic abuse and recovering from it has changed my life up to this present day. It has changed my belief and confidence in who I know that I am. While I have more to learn and believe I will always want to learn more to improve myself and to detect and heal, the one thing that has helped me the most was drawing the line in the sand.

It was a non-option for me.

I had to move forward. I saw the true colors exposed and I had to say no more.

No contact is the first step in rebuilding confidence after narcissistic abuse.

I believe also, that the longer we are away from narcissistic abusers, we can begin to heal, and heal exponentially.

When we are still exposed to it, it damages our heart and soul, which I could equate to a frog boiling in water.

Let the frog out of the water and let it heal.

2. GET RID OF THE NAYSAYERS

To boost your confidence after narcissistic abuse, find out who are your naysayers. These are the people who are not on your side.

The naysayers steal your joy and peace. They are toxic people and you need to call the exterminator.

Friend, it’s time to let these people go. You know who these people are.

Will I be lonely?

You might be.

Who will I do fun events with around town?

Other people.

Or, take yourself out for a night on the town! You may be surprised how much fun you will have!

Cutting the ties may be painful, but you are healing your soul and starting your life off without the weight of others’ expectations and learning to live for you, for once, maybe ever. It’s time, and the time is now.

3. DO YOUR HOBBIES

What do you like to do naturally? Is it organizing? Is it writing? Do you like running? What breathes life into you? What refreshes your spirit? What do you wish you could do all day?

Spend time on your hobbies, just because you are embracing your natural gifts and talents, and feeling renewed, invigorated, and perhaps mentally stimulated when you do these things. This will build your confidence in your skills and help your mind to recover.

Another thing to note: Coming from narcissistic abuse, even our hobbies were not sacred and were abused.

I used to be a runner, or jogger, fast walker. I did some 5K’s around my town and one 10K which I was immensely proud of. I did it in my best time ever.

What I was told regarding running, was “Why would you want to?” over and over again. This verse played with my head and today, I admit, still struggle with getting back into running.

An abuser will try to take and destroy the very things that bring you life because they compete with it for your attention.

So embrace old and new hobbies and interests. You don’t have to be an expert with it on day one, or ever for that matter. It’s rebuilding your confidence one step at a time.

One phrase that has helped me to learn new things and have a good mindset is that a brain surgeon didn’t come out of the womb knowing how to perform surgery. They were taught and their knowledge expanded over time and with experience. They learned one day at a time — then mastered the skill.

My philosophy is to learn one day at a time and to keep on learning new things. Some things will be more challenging than others, and that is okay and by design. When I have accomplished a new task that was challenging, I feel great. Endorphins run through my body and I am so proud of myself. Then, I think if I could do that, then what else I can accomplish?

Confidence will take time to rebuild.

4. MAKE A LIST OF GOALS AND CREATE A VISION BOARD

Making a list of goals is something I am passionate about. Perhaps it’s due to my strong desire to accomplish, but for whatever, reason, I love lists, schedules, vision writing, goal setting, and even more so achieving them and feeling a sense of great satisfaction.

Our confidence increases when we move forward with a plan.

Make a list of the goals, adventures, and ideas you have that you would like to accomplish in your life.

• Create a 3-month, 6-month, along with 1 year, 3, 5- and 10-year time frames and write down the ideas that you hope to accomplish.
• Underneath each task or accomplishment, write out small goals to accomplish the bigger goal along with a time frame. Be as specific as possible.
• Next, read the list every day even say it out loud as it helps to make it real, fathomable, and attainable.

The more I hold myself to the goals I have set, the more I see the new life that I envision for myself coming together. Review your goals at least once a month and more often if changes.

Anticipate setbacks and hard times and even changes in goals.

This is our life; we are in charge and we now call the shots and make the decisions.

After narcissistic abuse, our confidence was impaired. Our mind was on overload and we were not able to function at peak due to the malicious mind games.

The hope is that our confidence can be rebuilt and we can embrace a new future and new pathways going forward. For one, we will need to say goodbye to the abusers.

Going no contact sets a line in the sand and creates a barrier of protection around you. Once no contact is instituted and the longer, we are no contact, we can start to recover and re-stabilize our thoughts.

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Originally published at https://www.movingforwardafterabuse.com on July 25, 2019.