Responding to Silent Treatment

You’ve likely found yourself in situations where you needed to talk to someone urgently but you’ve found out, to your horror, that they won’t even acknowledge you.

In fact, they might laugh and talk like normal with others, but the moment they face you, that silence is deafening. No matter what you do, they don’t seem to respond.

The silent treatment can be a fleeting problem or a pervasive one. If it’s fleeting, the situation might make you feel angry, burdened, overwhelmed, and frustrated. If it’s something that you notice a lot with this person, it could be an underlying sign of emotional abuse, where the person is exerting power over you.

As a power play, it can make you feel unwanted, perhaps unworthy of the relationship. However, even if this person made you feel this way, your worth is not defined by the summation of this one relationship. You are much more than whatever this person thinks of you.

When is it Abusive?

To determine if it’s abusive, consider the reasons why the person might be giving you the silent treatment. Perhaps this person is trying to avoid themselves from saying things that could make them legally or morally implicated in something terrible. Perhaps they have a habit of making unsubstantiated claims and have finally dialled down on their punchlines.

However, some people may use it as a source of power. As a power play, it can be construed as emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Plus, it’s never your fault if someone chooses to respond to you in a specific way. We can only control ourselves and our responses to others, no matter how traumatic those other people are.

If you need to, you can distance yourself from this person. While it may be hard to live with someone who has this problem, it’s better to ignore them, and see how they feel. Remember, you’re doing this for your own well-being and safety, and not out of sheer vengeance.

In sum, consider the following as a checklist:

• Is this frequently occurring? Was this a one-off situation?
• Is this coming from a place of punishment, beyond the scope of a brief cool-off?
• Will it only end if I give in to their demands or apologize?
• Has my behaviour fundamentally changed because of this?

Three Potential Responses

As for dealing with the situation first-hand, you could opt to be sympathetic, especially if this is something that doesn’t usually happen. If you did do something genuinely wrong, you can definitely apologize. If you’re unsure of what you allegedly did, you can kindly let them know that you want to understand, even if they don’t seem receptive. Sometimes, people take a while to talk over things, and that’s okay.

Alternatively, you could also make it about your self-interests. You can prime the situation as something that is hurting you dearly and is impacting your livelihood. While the other person might be feeling pain, perhaps they have inflicted more pain on you than they anticipated, lacking self-awareness. You can also let the person know that you’re open to resolving the situation in another manner.

Finally, the third strategy is to ignore the whole scenario. Sometimes, the silent treatment can be pretty normal, especially if it only happened once or twice. We’re human and we sometimes have limits on the things we can process or do. Other times, in abusive circumstances, ignoring the situation is the safest option, to avoid further trauma.

However, in some cases, abusive individuals may have actually wanted you to be quiet, complacent, and unassuming, until you caved in to their demands. If you think this is the case, try to continue on as if the situation doesn’t bother you. As painful as it is, distracting yourself is a good idea until you can find another source of emotional support, like a friend or a distress helpline.

Whether or not your brush in with the silent treatment is temporary or not, perhaps some of the ideas here will resonate with you, especially as you continue to pursue novel friendships and relationships. Hopefully, as the years go by, the silent treatments of today will be long forgotten.

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