Research Participants Wanted (To Beat My Ass)

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Abstract

be hogtied with ice packs taped all over my body so I am shivering and helpless when you enthusiastically beat my ass.The study will take place on the east side of campus, in the Tech building. When you arrive, my team will hook up an EEG cap to monitor your brain activity. We’ll have you look at some ink blobs and tell us what they resemble. But that’s just so I can qualify this as a “Psych” study and get funding to pay you. What I’m actually interested in is that you unquestionably and resolutely beat my ass.Please know that I am already scared of you. As badly as I want you to beat my ass, deep down I am a spineless, fight-avoidant coward. I will try to untie myself and run from you, I will try to offer you extra cash to not beat my ass, and I may even try to reason that my wife is annoyed and unimpressed by this stunt. Do not fall for any of these tricks: Complete the study, confirm my wife’s absolutely true hypothesis, and beat my ass.You may be eligible to participate if you:<ul><li>…are 18+ years old</li><li>…do not smoke (negotiable)</li><li>…BEAT ASS</li><li>…have always wanted to try badass lines before beating someone’s ass like, “Hasta la vista, baby”; “Say hello to my little friend”; “Time to open a can of beat-ass”; et al.</li><li>…know my wife, Sharron</li><li>…

Options

need a Science distribution credit</li></ul>If you are eligible and would like to participate, show up tonight at 11:50pm at Tech. Go to Conference Room B-182 where I’ll have boxing gloves, nunchucks, and other ass-beating weapons for you to choose from. Feel free to bring your own blunt weapon of choice.At midnight, I will come on the intercom saying that I want to call the whole thing off. That my social psychology research, my life choices, and my effort to prove myself to my wife were and are mistakes. And then that’s your cue to plug in a Spotify playlist of your choice, fill the halls with the music that moves you to beat ass, and then hunt and beat my cowardly, shivering, blue-like-the-Rockies ass.Beat my ass.<a href="https://readmedium.com/slackjaw-humor-writing-challenge-the-winners-3ca604a2de63">Read More Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge Winners.</a><figure id="4ffb"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*QUV7dZ5hd2iChfXVyrM-Zw.jpeg"><figcaption></figcaption></figure>Whoa, awesome! Follow Slackjaw on <a href="https://facebook.com/SlackjawHumor">Facebook,</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/SlackjawHumor">Twitter</a>, and <a href="https://mailchi.mp/b2680924b6b9/86k8o3akou">get our best stories once a month by email</a>.</article></body>

Research Participants Wanted (To Beat My Ass)

Photo credit: Unsplash

Hey, Students!

Are you looking for a little spending money? Need a science distribution credit? Ever wanted to beat someone’s ass? Then sign up to participate in my psychology lab’s new research study: “Beat My Ass.”

I need someone to kick my ass. Hard. My wife’s hypothesis is that she’s “married a cowardly boy-man.” I completely agree, but I’m a scientist — I need proof. I need you to provide suitable data by beating my ass.

I am looking for volunteers to bring their A-game and open a can of beat-ass on me. Volunteers will be compensated $60 for pummeling the coward inside me. There is no catch here. You do not have to worry that I will try to beat your ass in return. I have no interest, as I am a weak and shameful man. In fact, to make this as easy as possible for you, I will be hogtied with ice packs taped all over my body so I am shivering and helpless when you enthusiastically beat my ass.

The study will take place on the east side of campus, in the Tech building. When you arrive, my team will hook up an EEG cap to monitor your brain activity. We’ll have you look at some ink blobs and tell us what they resemble. But that’s just so I can qualify this as a “Psych” study and get funding to pay you. What I’m actually interested in is that you unquestionably and resolutely beat my ass.

Please know that I am already scared of you. As badly as I want you to beat my ass, deep down I am a spineless, fight-avoidant coward. I will try to untie myself and run from you, I will try to offer you extra cash to not beat my ass, and I may even try to reason that my wife is annoyed and unimpressed by this stunt. Do not fall for any of these tricks: Complete the study, confirm my wife’s absolutely true hypothesis, and beat my ass.

You may be eligible to participate if you:

…are 18+ years old

…do not smoke (negotiable)

…BEAT ASS

…have always wanted to try badass lines before beating someone’s ass like, “Hasta la vista, baby”; “Say hello to my little friend”; “Time to open a can of beat-ass”; et al.

…know my wife, Sharron

…need a Science distribution credit

If you are eligible and would like to participate, show up tonight at 11:50pm at Tech. Go to Conference Room B-182 where I’ll have boxing gloves, nunchucks, and other ass-beating weapons for you to choose from. Feel free to bring your own blunt weapon of choice.

At midnight, I will come on the intercom saying that I want to call the whole thing off. That my social psychology research, my life choices, and my effort to prove myself to my wife were and are mistakes. And then that’s your cue to plug in a Spotify playlist of your choice, fill the halls with the music that moves you to beat ass, and then hunt and beat my cowardly, shivering, blue-like-the-Rockies ass.

Beat my ass.