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lcome — and portable — addition to any fundraiser, especially barbecues.</p><p id="17a8">*Will help the GOP make inroads in the long neglected White Claw demographic.</p><p id="5e98">*Is fun and outdoorsy, raising no red flags about age or rapidly deteriorating mental faculties.</p><p id="1106">*Won’t have a lot to say at debates, but at this stage, that’s OK. We predict voters are ready to embrace a dignified silence.</p><p id="dfef">*Holds up to 20 cans with 10 pounds of ice. Character-assassinate that, Chris Hayes!</p><p id="06c8">*Has a waterproof front pocket with heavy-duty YKK® zipper hardware and mesh side pockets that let you stash extra gear, while the built-in bottle opener means you’re never left trying unconventional methods to open your bottles.</p><p id="61ef">Has never taken a militant anti-abortion stance, and then paid for an abortion and then lied about it later. <a href="https://www.npr.org/2022/10/26/1131751304/second-woman-says-ga-republican-senate-candidate-herschel-walker-paid-for-aborti">Twice</a>.</p><p id="7738">We realize this is a bold, unconventional gambit, but drastic circumstances call for drastic measures. Americans <i>want </i>to vote Republican, they just need some new, better, Republicans to vote for.</p><p id="09e4">Going forward, we think these silent, sturdy, candidates will carry conservatives from the House to the Fourth of July church social to the tailgate at the SEC Championship game.</p><p id="dcbc">Plus? The Bass Pro Shops® 20-Can Coldsnap Latch™ Backpack Cooler doesn’t leak. Ever.</p><p id="6035">Chill, Republicans. Yes We Can.</p><p id="cca6">**</p><p id="fae7"><i>Thanks to Susan Brearly!</i></p><p id="f967"><i>The T. Kent Jones <a href="https://medium.com/muddyum/t-kent-jones/home">omnibus </a>never closes. Free Parking!</i></p><div id="a142" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/farewell-my-invasive-species-lover-c59f8d6e6466"> <div> <div> <h2>Farewell, My Invasive Species Lover</h2> <div><h3>We‘ll always have the Sheep’s Meadow</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="backg

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round-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*xzkQfwbolLRVMl2dL0kitQ.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="d9e9" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/cruelty-free-answers-to-did-you-like-my-novel-294ae6cda3a7"> <div> <div> <h2>Cruelty-Free Answers to “Did You Like My Novel?</h2> <div><h3>I couldn’t put it down</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Jn7iEQ9yKFknFXOh)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="1705" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/stop-my-steal-8be3797c59fa"> <div> <div> <h2>Stop My Steal</h2> <div><h3>Don’t ever let me do that again</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*_B4V6Oa33d8RQHQhO8sS3A.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="0755" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@tkentjones/membership"> <div> <div> <h2>Join Medium with my referral link — T. Kent Jones</h2> <div><h3>Read every story from T. Kent Jones (and thousands of other writers on Medium). Your membership fee directly supports…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*dssH6FcFFweHQyd1)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="e875">There’s so much comedy behind this blue-eyed cat.</p><figure id="163c"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*VDzWg4lMsQYdiOBQ.png"><figcaption>Branding courtesy of <a href="undefined">David Todd McCarty</a></figcaption></figure></article></body>

COLD COMFORT

Republicans for a Cooler America

Bruised GOP makes post-midterm switch

created with CRAIYON

From: The Republican National Committee

Dear Members,

Like you, we are alarmed by the results of last week’s midterm elections. The GOP underperformed badly nationwide so clearly, it’s time for a different approach.

Mitch McConnell was right, “Candidate quality has a lot to do with the outcome.”

We hear you, Senator, and we’ve done something about it.

Starting in 2023, the RNC will replace substandard human candidates with Bass Pro Shops® 20-Can Coldsnap Latch™ Backpack Coolers.

If some of you are wondering if a wearable backpack cooler with a one-handed push-and-latch system is more electable than say, a sentient running back or a TV doctor, consider this.

The BPS-20:

*Brings a refreshing sense of purpose and a demonstrated commitment to service.

*Has a back story of stoic self-reliance that appeals to all races, demographics, and educational levels. Who doesn’t love cold cans?

*Won’t spend every minute on the campaign trail challenging the 2020 election results.

*Has no prior history with, or obligation to, President Trump. BPS-20 will neither oppose not endorse his candidacy, though, if necessary, it’s capable of holding up to 10 MAGA caps without complaint.

*Has a sternum strap and removable waist belt making it a welcome — and portable — addition to any fundraiser, especially barbecues.

*Will help the GOP make inroads in the long neglected White Claw demographic.

*Is fun and outdoorsy, raising no red flags about age or rapidly deteriorating mental faculties.

*Won’t have a lot to say at debates, but at this stage, that’s OK. We predict voters are ready to embrace a dignified silence.

*Holds up to 20 cans with 10 pounds of ice. Character-assassinate that, Chris Hayes!

*Has a waterproof front pocket with heavy-duty YKK® zipper hardware and mesh side pockets that let you stash extra gear, while the built-in bottle opener means you’re never left trying unconventional methods to open your bottles.

*Has never taken a militant anti-abortion stance, and then paid for an abortion and then lied about it later. Twice.

We realize this is a bold, unconventional gambit, but drastic circumstances call for drastic measures. Americans want to vote Republican, they just need some new, better, Republicans to vote for.

Going forward, we think these silent, sturdy, candidates will carry conservatives from the House to the Fourth of July church social to the tailgate at the SEC Championship game.

Plus? The Bass Pro Shops® 20-Can Coldsnap Latch™ Backpack Cooler doesn’t leak. Ever.

Chill, Republicans. Yes We Can.

***

Thanks to Susan Brearly!

The T. Kent Jones omnibus never closes. Free Parking!

There’s so much comedy behind this blue-eyed cat.

Branding courtesy of David Todd McCarty
Satire
Funny
Midterm Elections
Candidates
Kent Jones
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