Replies To Yelp Reviews Of My Hedge Maze

September 23, 2018

Hi Janet,

I’m glad you had a good time at my hedge maze. If you don’t mind, please help preserve the experience for others by not posting so many pictures from inside the hedge maze.

My worry is that spoilers could prevent a future hedge maze designer from finding inspiration. When I was a young boy, the nascent internet was used for looking up facts about reptiles and Space Jam trivia. I was able to go in without spoilers and, by getting lost in the maze, truly find myself.

Best,

Bob

September 24, 2018

Hi Gary,

Happy to hear you enjoyed the hedge maze! It was very kind of you to add a write up of the maze to the Notable Public Hedge Mazes section of Wikipedia, but the diagram is a bit of a spoiler. I’d appreciate it if you could remove it from the article. After all, a maze you know the solution to is just an inconvenient walk.

Thanks in advance,

Bob

September 26, 2018

Hi Lenora,

Thanks for reviewing my hedge maze and promoting your fanfiction community. I love that you’re pursuing your dreams and building a group that supports its members. Also, I’m flattered to see so much fanfiction set in my hedge maze.

When I was still building the hedge maze and had some dark moments I would read fanfiction about Hufflepuffs having lazy days: taking leisurely broom rides, reading books near cozy fireplaces, and sneaking cakes. It was a comforting escape from the sink-or-swim lifestyle of hedge maze building.

However, I’ve noticed that a lot of the stories describe the interior of the maze in such vivid detail that they serve as instructions for escaping the maze. I’m asking you, hedge maze designer to hedge maze enthusiast, to tell rather than show.

Your fan,

Bob

September 27, 2018

Hi Morgan,

I’m sorry you had such a bad experience at the maze this week. Please know that we are looking for the drone operator who recorded your attempt to solve the maze.

I believe that a person’s time in a hedge maze is a personal thing. We have to get lost before we can find our way. But that should be a private journey.

It’s unacceptable that the drone recorded you getting lost in the maze, growing ever more despondent, yelling for help, getting tangled up in the hedge, taking out your phone to call for help, getting distracted and playing Candy Crush, weeping, continuing to play Candy Crush until your phone died, scratching “HELP” into the case of your phone and trying to throw it out of the maze, your phone bouncing off a branch and hitting you in the head, losing consciousness, regaining consciousness in a pool of your own urine, and being loaded into an ambulance while yelling, “I can still figure it out!” I hope it provides some small comfort to know I believe you demonstrated the spirit of perseverance that makes hedgemazery a noble pastime.

I am also sorry that the video spoils the hedge maze for others.

With all apologies,

Bob

September 29, 2018

Hi Rebecca,

First off, you and your friends are such thoughtful young adults. It was heartwarming to see you all using a phone to let your friend in the hospital experience the hedge maze too. I know it wasn’t your intention, but the local TV interview with you all has gone viral, and thousands of people have seen exactly how to solve my hedge maze.

Don’t get me wrong, I hope the fundraiser for your friend goes well. I know that the “right, right, left, left, straight, left, straight, straight, straight, right, straight, straight, left, straight, straight” t-shirt is the fundraiser’s top seller, and that’s so great. But, it is a spoiler for my maze, and I was hoping you could change it to be less precise.

All the best,

Bob

September 29, 2018

Rebecca and anyone else reading this,

Please don’t read the above response by me. I inadvertently spoiled my own hedge maze and haven’t figured out how to delete it yet.

Your friend,

Bob

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