Regulatory Panel Issues Directive to Parents: Keep Children Away From Willy Wonka and His Factory

Special prosecutor tells parents not to let their children take part in the new Wonka competition and not to visit the factory.

The Regulatory Panel appointed by the Head Governor has issued a directive to parents, advising them not to let their children look for golden tickets and barring that, to refuse to allow them to go to the Wonka Chocolate Factory should they find one.

This announcement came following the ad campaign created by Willy Wonka, the owner of the Wonka factory, which was used to maximize interest in a new children’s contest. The five winners were to be invited with a parent to visit Wonka’s factory.

This was a response to the disastrous results of the first competition and subsequent involuntary commitment of Wonka. This competition took place over thirty years ago and led to significant child harm.

In one case, a girl deemed to be a “rotten egg” was almost incinerated. A second girl who had blown up into a giant blueberry after chewing experimental gum was only prevented from exploding through a painful “squeezing” process.

One of the boys was zapped into a television show which caused him to shrink to six inches tall and he had to be agonizingly stretched out. Another boy fell into a chocolate river, was sucked into an extraction pipe and sent to the boiler room where he was fished out before he either drowned or was boiled to death.

The last boy, who won the contest, and his grandfather began to float upward after drinking a fizzy soda sending them on a collision course with a giant ceiling fan that would have chopped them to pieces had the grandfather not accidentally discovered that burping made them drop back down.

The Investigation

Investigators attempted to find those who had been inside the factory but initially only Charlie and his grandfather could be located. They were being treated at a mental institution for severe PTSD.

Eventually, after several months, the parents who had accompanied the other children were located, each in a different mental hospital. Due to excessive use of ECT and drugs leading to extensive memory problems and brain damage, none could be interviewed. This resulted in additional charges related to bribing doctors, and obstruction of justice.

Wonka Undergoes Psychological Evaluation

Over the course of the investigation, concerns were raised about Wonka’s mental health. This was initiated when it came to light that the five children chosen, were not random, but were intended to find the golden tickets. This led to the first charges of fraud.

A second set of fraud and child endangerment charges were brought when it was discovered that the entire contest was a set up intending to test the one child Wonka had predetermined would be his successor. It was determined that he had used the other children in whatever way necessary to accomplish this goal.

A third set of fraud charges was brought on behalf of four of the five families claiming that their children had never been given a fair chance to compete to inherit the candy factory which was worth $13 billion in assets should it be sold and if not sold would net more than $1 billion a year after the accrued debt was paid off.

Since the actual family members who had attended with the children were not competent to testify these charges were dropped.

The Bucket family refiled their fraud charge once Charlie and his grandfather were released from the hospital after Wonka was informed that Charlie would not be taking over the factory. Following this, Wonka’s carefully controlled public testimony deteriorated.

The end came when Wonka was asked if he didn’t think it was wrong to use the other children just so he could show his chosen heir what behavior he would not tolerate and how it would be punished.

“Those other children were worthless!” Wonka screamed. “At least I gave them an important purpose in keeping with their personalities. Otherwise, they would never have accomplished anything useful at all in this life!”

The other four children were never located. Despite his denial and the fact that no bodies were found, it was believed by the investigators that Wonka killed them.

According to the lead investigator:

“Wonka clearly planned the punishment for each child and had set up exactly when and in what order the children would be punished. Evidence of this was thought to have been found in the security footage of the boat ride.

When a close up of the boat was examined it was obvious that there were exactly enough seats for those who ended up being on it. But if the Gloops had been with the group they would have been short two seats. So how could Mr. Wonka know two members of the group would be missing?”

Wonka replied that it was just luck since the other boat was being fixed. He added that the four smallest children would have shared two seats among them, leaving two seats vacant for the additional adult, and the “big boned” child.

However, he was hard pressed to explain why the Wonkawash had only enough seats for the five people that remained after two more children and their parents had been removed from the tour, and the elevator definitely had nowhere near enough space for the original 11 people. It seemed that each time, Wonka knew and planned for exactly the number there would be based on when each child would be punished and removed from the tour.

But what was most chilling, the prosecutor said, was that when Charlie and his Grandfather drank the fizzy drink and started floated up towards the huge fan, no one was around to save them.

“Where were the Oompa Loompas? They had always been there to address the other children’s mistakes. There was also the fact that there would be no reason to leave a room empty with nothing but the huge ceiling fan and unmarked bottles of liquid that when drunk would send people towards the fan, unless you intended to kill someone.

Now, maybe Wonka expected that they’d figure out how to get down in time. But since he was continuing with the tour and no observation room was found, there was no guarantee that they’d survive. If this was the case with his chosen heir, why would he bother keeping the other children alive, when from his own admission he thought them to be worthless?”

Given that the caretakers could not be interviewed and no bodies were ever found, the murder charges also had to be dropped.

To get a better handle on what was going on with Wonka, the Judge ordered a psychological evaluation. According to the psychologist who conducted the assessment, Wonka was said to be suffering from a number of disorders that were quite troubling.

“Mr. Wonka meets criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder. He clearly has no respect for the rights of others and only views them in terms of how they can be used to meet his own needs. Failure to conform to social norms with regards to laws, deceitfulness, reckless disregard for the safety of self or others, lack of remorse shown by indifference to or rationalizing having hurt,or mistreated someone are also characteristics that he has, which are part of the disorder. Mr. Wonka doesn’t seem able to understand the irony of him punishing the children for breaking the rules when he himself, broke far more serious rules and likely also laws.

Mr. Wonka said that had something happened to Charlie, it would have been too bad because of the time and expense that had gone into identifying him. But if things, ‘hadn’t worked out,’ he would have just had to start over with another five children. It didn’t seem as if he would have been upset over the loss of the child just the loss of his own resources.”

The prosecutor wondered whether this meant that none of the five had performed as needed for the test and training process or whether they “wouldn’t be available.” Though he didn’t say so specifically, it was clear to all who heard him, that the prosecutor was suggesting the possibility that something had happened to them.

“Compounding the problem,” the psychologist went on, “Is that Mr. Wonka also meets criteria for Schizotypal Personality Disorder. Yet, there is some question as to whether his odd and eccentric behavior is deliberate, or whether it is delusional or even possibly, at times, psychotic.

The boat ride is of particular concern regarding magical thinking, bizarre beliefs and unusual speech. Suspicion and paranoid ideation have been observed as well, specifically with regard to competitors trying to steal proprietary information about his business. This is also often part of Antisocial Personality Disorder.”

“Round the world and home again That’s the sailor’s way Faster faster, faster faster

There’s no earthly way of knowing Which direction we are going There’s no knowing where we’re rowing Or which way the river’s flowing

Is it raining, is it snowing Is a hurricane a-blowing

Not a speck of light is showing So the danger must be growing Are the fires of Hell a-glowing Is the grisly reaper mowing

Yes, the danger must be growing For the rowers keep on rowing And they’re certainly not showing Any signs that they are slowing”

The Possibility of Other Diagnoses

The Psychologist said that Wonka might be suffering additionally from anxiety over identifying an heir and coming to terms with his mortality. The psychologist also mentioned Mr. Wonka’s social isolation which may be symptoms that are secondary to his paranoia or which may indicate another personality disorder.

“There were no indications of any important relationships in his life. The Oompa Loompas, who came from somewhere far-off quite different from Wonkas factory, worked for him, though I couldn’t determine exactly how they ended up doing so.

However, they too functioned solely to fulfill his wants and needs and should they ever find themselves out of a job, there was no obvious place they could work instead. So they may have felt pressured to play along with his more nefarious schemes. Regarding the children and families, Wonka obviously looked at them as a means to an end, viewing them as easily replaceable.”

“With regard to the paranoia, Mr. Wonka’s candy has been considered revolutionary. Given this, espionage is not out the realm of possibility. If it’s true, it’s not paranoia.”

The other two possible diagnoses relate to his social functioning . The psychologist pointed out that Wonka’s social isolation could be due to one of the disorders already mentioned. Yet, it’s also possible that he could be suffering from one of two other personality disorders, Schizoid Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder.

“The difference between Schizoid and Avoidant Personality Disorders involves the desire for social relationships. With Avoidant Personality Disorder the person wants close, meaningful relationships. But due to severe anxiety and often a lack of social skills leading to social rejection, the person gets into a loop whereby more rejection leads to more anxiety and less opportunity to engage in social skills.

With Schizoid Personality Disorder, the person has no desire to establish relationships. In this disorder, social withdrawal is due to apathy, anhedonia or lack of pleasure in social relationships, indifference and a preference for solitude.

The underlying cause of Mr. Wonka’s social isolation is unable to be determined without more time and the development of a trusting relationship which is currently precluded by the current circumstances of the evaluation being court mandated. Regardless of the provisional nature of the diagnoses there is still ample cause for concern. Particularly worrisome are Mr. Wonka’s irresponsible behavior, the missing children, the PTSD experienced by the Buckets and the callous and dangerous manner in which all the children and parents were treated on the day they visited the Wonka Factory.”

The New Competition

The panel chairman strongly admonished Mr. Wonka about the new competition, saying they would do whatever was needed to ensure no other children were used to fulfill Mr. Wonka’s needs.

“It is hoped this effort is all that will be necessary to put an end to the contest but the panel will meet again as necessary to review whether further action is needed.”

When asked to elaborate on what was meant by further action, the chairman replied, “We haven’t ruled out legal action including a sizable fine and jail time or further mandated evaluation and treatment should Wonka not comply with what is now a strongly worded demand which forbids him from allowing children into his factory.

We are also considering issuing a general prohibition against children being allowed into the factory in the future. While we understand his need to find someone to take over from him given his current advanced age, this needs to be done in a more standard manner with full transparency for all involved including the court. ”

The spokesperson for the Wonka Company was contacted for comment but they declined to respond. We will continue to follow this story and update you as new developments warrant.

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