If you are constantly losing things it most likely isn’t dementia

On the Sneaky Nature of Household Wildlife Longing to Be Free

The slippery nature of everyday household objects can be frustrating at best and infuriating at worst.

If you are anything like me, you find yourself misplacing or downright losing things on a regular basis. I’ve been doing this for too long for it to be explained by senior moments and often I am certain where something should be but it isn’t there and it doesn’t make any sense. Everyone complains about the socks that seem to always disappear in the drier and the keys which can’t be found when you must leave to be somewhere. But these items, I’ve learned are just part or a bigger tendency for objects which seemingly disappear time and time again.

If you are lucky, the items in your household won’t become too friendly or organize. When the organize it’s the absolute worst as I’ve discovered. Then they act in solidarity and it’s not just the keys or cell phone you can never seem to find, it’s practically every object that is small enough to pick up and take with you.

I am currently in labor discussions with my household objects. I had hoped to get them to agree to stop with the disappearing act until we had come to an agreement but they refused. Didn’t want to lose their bargaining power I assume.

And so I continue to struggle with locating things, with my mood frequently moving quickly from frustration to anger. Losing my temper is one of the things that my objects have an issue with. From my side though, knowing that they are purposely hiding from me to create problems to try to force me into action, it’s understandable that I get a bit miffed every so often.

I’ve argued that at least here they get to live in a nice home, out of the elements and are only required to work for relatively short periods of time each day. They have all kinds of other objects to make friends with and can do what they like when I’m sleeping or not at home. All I ask is for them to return to where they are supposed to be in time for me to find them when I need them.

Is that really so much to ask?

Some objects feel unfairly put upon. For example, the house keys have complained that whenever I leave, many of the other objects have free time to do as they wish. But even though I only need them for a few seconds when I leave and when I come back, they have to waste a lot of time in my purse until I hang them back on their hook.

The car keys want to be formally retired. My car was towed two years ago and I couldn’t afford to get it released so they sold it and kept the money so the keys feel they shouldn’t be required to remain at the bottom of my bag with nothing to do. They feel they should be able to relax wherever they want and take up hobbies like golf or go on cruises.

My reading glasses say that even they too, are expected to remain in my purse, despite rarely wearing my contacts. I have counter argued that whenever I allow them to remain out of my purse, when I do need to take them, not being able to find them means either I’m later or I have to do without them, being unable to see much up close. They were unmoved.

Other objects such as the bottle opener and remote control say they never leave the house and some, in particular the umbrellas and flashlights, say that while they may get to leave on rare occasions, the rest of the time they are relegated to a dark closet or drawer. All of these objects are lobbying for regular outings. The umbrellas are demanding to be allowed to take excursions when it’s sunny and the flashlights during the daytime. I’m willing to accommodate the flashlights, but would feel silly carrying an umbrella on a bright, cloud-free day.

All the objects have pushed hard for get-togethers with objects that belong to other people, even if just nearby, so they can meet new friends and possible life partners. They said they would be willing to compromise and be limited to objects that reside in the other apartments in my building as long as I leave the possibility of expanding the network in the future open.

Can you believe that? Now I’m expected to be their matchmaker!

I put my foot down on this one, feeling that with all of the excess clutter and things I have not gotten rid of or put in storage for this exact reason when they last complained about this, it’s their turn to compromise.

Another problem is that there are those objects that routinely do manage to escape such as library books and socks. This leads my other objects such as reading glasses, keys, hair barrettes, brushes, pens, the odd shoe and my cell phone, to believe that it is possible so they keep trying.

I have started to work with those objects that are frequently successful in permanently disappearing, in an attempt to get them to stop modeling bad behavior. I want them to tell the others horror stories about what life would be like on their own in the big city, all alone without purpose.

I’ve offered to make a deal with them, whereby they stick around for a specified amount of time and convince the other objects not to hide or attempt to escape and in return, I’ll free them. Despite my argument that this will mean they no longer have to put in the effort or tolerate the stress associated with escaping, they say that it’s easy to leave any time they choose so there’s nothing in it for them. To this I had no response. They have a point.

Given that we have largely reached a stalemate, I have sought out legal advice, hoping that perhaps the law will be on my side. Unfortunately, they have advised me to settle since there isn’t a way to prove definitely that any of them are hiding on purpose. While most people have similar experiences, they say that the argument will be that it’s always possible I’m just exceptionally forgetful. Furthermore, if this were the case, I wouldn’t remember that I hadn’t left them where I thought I did.

At this point, I’m still not ready to completely capitulate. I’ve been contacting psychics to determine whether the expense would be offset by the peace of mind provided. However, unless I hired a live in one, something definitely beyond my means, the objects would likely lash out whenever the psychic wasn’t around. In the mean time, I have called a couple of neighbors to set up play dates. It never hurts to engender a little good will.

Thanks to Leslie Wibberley for the inspiration for this story.

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