Communication

Reframing Our Apologies into Endearing Compliments

Say these things instead

I’m currently in graduate school where I am doing the clinical practicum component. In the practicum, I get to work closely with vulnerable populations across the lifespan. I help these individuals go from a distressing moment to a more relaxed one. I also help them make sense of the confusion that permeates their minds.

Sometimes, I help these individuals optimize their current modes of communication as well. For example, some individuals may say sorry for things outside of their control, such as the bad weather or their internet connection. While I’m there for this person as moral support, I can help train these individuals to find more appropriate times and ways of saying sorry.

I mean, it’s not their fault if the weather was terrible or if their internet was acting up. It was an external circumstance that was outside of their control. However, if this person really made a mistake (such as a situation where they hurt someone dearly), they may struggle to verbalize their apologies in a manner that is constructive and helpful to the other people in their life.

Sorry seems to be the hardest thing to say.

From time to time, we goof up. I mean, we are human and it’s okay to make mistakes sometimes. When we do make mistakes, we find ourselves apologizing, making it up to the person, and then moving on (especially as the days go by).

Now, it does take a lot of strength to apologize to someone. Indeed — admitting we were wrong is often a critical hit to the ego, but apologies are a way of showcasing maturity. I mean, admitting we did something wrong is never easy, but in the end, our relationships become stronger because of it.

There’s reduced value in overuse.

Eventually, overusing generic phrases lose their meaning. If you simply say “I’m sorry” for less serious things, by the time you have a serious situation, then this phrase loses meaning.

Instead, you can try to monitor when you say sorry, and limit it to only those situations where you truly hurt someone. Then, when you say sorry, reframe your apologies as more appreciative and endearing statements instead.

For example, if you’re worried about being late, you can say:

“Thanks for waiting up on me. It really means a lot.”

If you’re upset about something and someone is willing to listen to you, you can say:

“Thank you for listening to me tonight. I really appreciated it.”

If you’re unsure of what to say, you could use:

“I’m here for you and I’m willing to listen. Let me know what I can do to make it up to you.”

As you can see, each message conveyed an apology in different words. Instead of apologizing directly for being late, upset, or confused, you reframed your words in a more endearing way. It’s the same message —but it will be responded to more favourably by the other party.

Feel good about your apologies.

On the upside, reframing your apologies in this way is great. You might feel a lot better about the situation because you’re seeing the more positive response provided by the other party. In fact, they might be more inclined to take up on your offer to change.

When it comes to apologies, we can sparingly use “sorry” but don’t forget to sprinkle these more positive-oriented statements as well. Since we cannot change what we did to others in the past, we can influence our responses to those situations, and learn from them, especially with a little patience, self-reflection, and practice.

As Emily Kimbrough once noted,

“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.”

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