Summary

Lori Carlson reflects on her recent struggles with depression, disrupted routines, and heightened sensitivity, which have impacted her writing and daily life.

Abstract

Lori Carlson has been experiencing a period of depression and disruption in her life, leading to a significant decrease in her writing output. She describes being in "crisis-mode," with her mental state characterized by a lack of interest in activities and a desire to sleep excessively. Carlson attributes this funk to a change in her usual pattern of inspiration, which typically peaks from September to March but has been absent this year. Her husband's shift change has also disrupted her nocturnal writing routine, causing frustration and arguments. Additionally, unreliable internet service has added to her frustrations. Carlson expresses doubts about overcoming her current state and worries that her writing may suffer as a result. She is also grappling with an existential crisis, feeling that her past angst fueled her writing and questioning her ability to write without it. As a highly sensitive person, she finds everyday stimuli overwhelming and longs for isolation and silence. Despite these challenges, she is trying to remain present and engaged, though she often feels absent and anxious.

Opinions

Carlson feels that her usual pattern of inspiration has been disrupted, leading to a sense of her life being "turned upside down."
She believes that her depression is cyclical, typically occurring in April or May, which is out of sync with her current experience.
Carlson is frustrated with the disruption to her writing routine caused by her husband's new work schedule and his noisiness during her preferred writing hours.
She doubts her ability to write meaningful content now that she has released negative feelings about her past.
Carlson identifies as a highly sensitive person and finds that her sensitivity is currently heightened, making her more susceptible to anxiety and panic.
She is trying to follow her therapist's advice to live in the moment, but finds it challenging and often overwhelming.
Carlson expresses a desire for isolation and silence, which contrasts with her usual coping mechanisms as a functioning highly sensitive person.
Despite the negative thoughts she acknowledges having, she does not feel negativity from them, only a need for isolation and silence.

Reflections

A week’s worth of prompt reflections

I’ve been absent from Medium for quite a while, with only a few posts here and there, but nothing for the past couple of weeks. This morning, I thought I would try to get through all of Diana’s prompts for the week. Most of this will probably make little to no sense. I am definitely off my game these days. So this is for Mon-Fri’s prompts. Thanks in advance for reading.

What do I need to get off my chest today?

I’ve been in crisis-mode. Mentally. My mind is filled with chatter, so I’ve been taking sleeping pills and sleeping, awakening and then rinse and repeat. I’ve only been eating when necessary — to take medication. I am not suicidal. However, I am depressed.

I go through these funk-moments periodically. I get depressed, lose interest in everything, and just want to sleep. Normally, this happens around April or May. September through March are usually my heydays. I feel inspired and do a lot of writing. So why is everything turned upside down? It could be because after four years of not writing, when I did began again, it was in April and I went full steam ahead until mid-August. Maybe I just burned myself out? I honestly don’t know.

What makes life feel complicated right now?

My schedule is out of whack. I’ve been up when I normally sleep and sleeping when I am normally awake. Part of this is because of the depression, but another factor is that my spouse changed work schedules. He was on an 11–7 shift and now he is on a 3–11 shift. Nighttime has always been my writing time. As a writer, I function best between 11 pm and 6 am. Then I will do cleaning, cooking, etc. until noon-ish and go to bed until 8 or 9 pm. All of this has changed now that my spouse is on a different schedule. He comes home around 11:30 pm and is chatty or noisy. He doesn’t settle down until around 5 or 6 am. Then I have to make sure he is awake by 1 pm. By the time he is finally out the door, I am exhausted and want to sleep, but I have things I must do before I can. So normally, I am not in bed until around 4 or 5 pm and sleep until he comes home. See my problem?

He says, “just close the door and I will know you are writing and won’t disturb you unless it is urgent.” And yet, he either disturbs me anyway or is so noisy I cannot write. So I get frustrated and snarky with him. Then he gets snarky back and we have an argument. My only solution is to take sleeping pills and make the world go away.

Another complication is our internet service. It is up and down at will. Sometimes it goes down for a few minutes and other times it is down for hours upon hours. We’ve replaced our box, had the techs out to check lines and add new cables, but still it goes up and down. For the most part, this is merely inconvenient. If I am in the mood to write (which I haven’t been), I can do it on Word or a notepad and transfer wherever when the ‘net is back up. Still it is annoying. And when I am annoyed, I sleep. So again, I’ve been sleeping a lot.

What doubts do I currently have?

The biggest doubt is that I will not get out of this funk any time soon. And if I don’t get out of it, my writing will continue to suffer and I may end up not writing again for months or years. It’s happened too many times before. I know the pattern. And the pattern has manifested itself.

I also doubt my ability to write anything meaningful again. I’ve talked about this before — I am having a bit of an existential crisis because I’ve lived in darkness so long and now I want to live in the light, but I am finding it difficult to write anything meaningful about lightness. It’s almost as though if I no longer have any angst, I have nothing worthwhile to write about. And I don’t have any angst since completely releasing all the negative feelings about my past. So because of this, I also doubt my ability to remain in the light.

My therapist has suggested that I may be in a state of mourning for darkness. It has been a part of me for 50+ years and now it is gone. She may be correct. I do feel like I have lost a piece of myself.

What’s overwhelming me right now?

Everything. No, seriously. Everything seems to be overwhelming me. My therapist keeps telling me to just be present. To live in the moment. And I am trying, but the more present I am, the more absent I am becoming. I don’t want to engage — not with my spouse, family, friends, or even with people on the internet. Everything outside of my own bubble makes me anxious, panicky, and/or makes me want to shut down. I cannot stand noise of any kind right now. Light bothers my eyes. Certain smells make me nauseous. I cannot read for very long, or watch anything. And the worse thing — I cannot stand the sound of my spouse’s voice.

I’ve always known that I am a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), but I’ve also been a functioning HSP — I could recover easily in just a few hours of being totally alone in a dark, quiet room. Not these days. Even now, spending too much time writing this, with the light of my laptop and the click of keys, I am feeling anxious. I have no idea why I am so super sensitive at the moment, but I know I will soon need to shut everything down, take a sleeping pill and sleep it all away.

What thoughts have I been repeating in my head lately?

I have a million racing thoughts in my head. So many that I cannot always detect an individual thought. The few that I have managed to comprehend are

Life is crap. My writing is crap. Everything is crap.

Just shut up! Can’t everything just be silent for a moment?

F*ck it! F*ck it! F*ck it!

What’s different about these thoughts at the moment — I don’t feel negativity from them even though they look negative now that I’ve written them down. All I do feel is a need for isolation and silence. Which brings me back to being absent while trying to be present and the desire for more sleep.

For 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊.’s This Week’s Prompt 7th-11th December 2020

This Week’s Prompt: 7–11.12

5 days of reflection.

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Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. Check out her personal Medium blog here.