Read This If You Think You Can Predict What Women and Men Want
A recent study found men and women misjudge what the opposite sex most desires in a partner.
Economist Peter Backus once used the Drake equation to grimly calculate that he was more likely to find intelligent alien civilizations than an eligible woman on planet Earth.
Well, not so fast alien hunters. A good woman (or man) is relatively easy to find if you focus on the right traits.
Part of the problem is the media convinces people to care about the wrong characteristics. We all know the cultural stereotypes. Men are valued for wealth, status, and ambition, whereas women are valued for physical attractiveness.
But when men and women are given surveys on what traits they find the most desirable in the opposite sex, they don’t valorize those qualities. Instead, both genders emphasize trustworthiness, intelligence, and agreeableness.
Why the disconnect? Are men and women focusing on the wrong qualities? One research team decided to find out.
Researchers asked 350 participants with a median age of 38 to rate the importance of 22 different physical/personality traits. Then they asked them to predict which traits the opposite gender preferred.
The results show just how clueless we all are.
Women reported that they most looked for “trustworthiness, hygiene, intelligence, and warmth/friendliness.” They cared the least about “sexuality, penis size, social status, and extraversion (“outgoing”).”
Men reported that they most looked for “trustworthiness, hygiene, physical attractiveness, and intelligence. They cared the least about “breast size, social status, extraversion, and height.”
Not surprisingly, men rated physical attractiveness as third in importance, while women rated it twelfth. Also, not surprisingly, women valued height more than men. And both genders cared about financial debt, but women valued it slightly more.
But then researchers asked men which traits women preferred in men and asked women which traits men prefer in women. That’s when the picture got murky.
The traits that men were most likely to overestimate that women wanted were social status and wealth. So sorry, Gentlemen. She doesn’t care about your Twitter blue check or flashy car.
The traits the men were most likely to underestimate that women cared about were aggressiveness and trustworthiness. This will only shock the incel(y) neckbeards. Women avoid angry liars.
Other traits that men misjudged were penis size and sexuality. I have already preached that women do not care about penis size, but maybe now the men will believe me.
The women did slightly better in predicting what men wanted, but some disconnects remained.
The traits that women were most likely to overestimate that men wanted were “breast size and physical attractiveness.” Men cared very little for breast size, so my fellow smaller-chested sisters can stop wearing those uncomfortable padded bras. And yes, beauty was rated third with men, but women thought it would be rated even higher.
But probably most disturbingly, the traits women were most likely to underestimate that men wanted were intelligence and education. So if you are an inquisitive soul, stop hiding it. He likes your geeky side.
Of course, there were some limitations to this study. The most obvious is that it relied on self-reporting. People may say they don’t care about certain traits to appear less shallow.
The researchers also did not differentiate short-term vs. long-term mating. With short-term relationships, superficial traits like physical attractiveness are often valued more.
Another limitation is that isolating how society values one trait over another is impossible because it depends on the individual. For example, if you are a wealthy woman, you will care less about finding a wealthy partner.
Either way, this study uncovers a painful truth — we don’t know what the opposite gender wants.
For example, status and beauty garner most of the media attention, yet neither gender prioritizes that in a mate. Sociologists refer to this as a collective illusion — a phenomenon in which people in a group adopt an opinion they don’t agree with because they incorrectly believe that the majority agrees with it.
Breast size is a perfect example of a collective illusion. The beauty industry convinces women that their breasts are either too small or too big when men tell us they love all shapes and sizes. Maybe we should believe them?
The empathy self-help gurus don’t help, either. They constantly remind us to see situations from another’s vantage point — called perspective-taking. Unfortunately, behavioral scientist and author Nicholas Epley found this strategy can actually cause more misunderstandings than a game of telephone.
In a series of studies involving 2,816 participants, Epley explored the impact of perspective-taking on communication. In these studies, participants were asked to predict their spouse’s opinions on various topics such as hobbies, politics, movies, and art.
One group was asked to imagine themselves in their partner’s shoes (perspective-taking), while the other group just winged it. The results showed that the participants who were primed with perspective-taking were less accurate at predicting their spouse’s emotions than the non-perspective-takers.
Even worse, perspective-taking exaggerated perceived differences between individuals and increased distrust and selfishness.
The reason is simple. Humans are terrible at knowing what others want, yet we tend to overestimate our mind-reading skills. Basically, there’s a Dunning-Kruger Effect with interpersonal intelligence.
So what’s the solution? Epley suggests an alternative approach called “perspective-getting,” which involves asking questions to uncover someone’s feelings instead of making predictions based on their vantage point.
In other words, don’t assume you know what someone wants. Instead, ask.
Yes, that is painfully simple advice. But how many times do people misjudge the opposite’s sex interest level? (Guilty!) Miscommunications would happen less frequently if we played detective instead of psychic.
