Summary

The website content is a raw and introspective journal entry discussing the author's struggle with self-doubt, societal pressures, and the desire for validation, while also expressing a deep-seated need to help others through their writing.

Abstract

The author of the journal entry delves into the emotional turmoil of their writing process, marked by anger, frustration, and guilt. They grapple with feelings of inadequacy and the pressure to succeed, particularly in comparison to others who seem to effortlessly manage their careers and personal lives. The author reflects on past criticisms and the burden of financial instability, which fuels a fear of failure and a need for external validation. Despite these challenges, there is a glimmer of hope as the author acknowledges their resilience and the small victories in their writing career, such as achieving Top Writer in Music and having their work featured. The entry concludes with the author's commitment to confronting their true emotions and the realization that self-acceptance is crucial for personal growth and creativity.

Opinions

The author expresses a deep sense of frustration and anger about their writing progress and ability to keep up with peers.
There is a significant feeling of guilt due to the author's perceived slow progress and inability to match the productivity of others.
The author reveals a struggle with self-worth, questioning whether their work is for personal fulfillment or for the approval of others.
Past criticisms and societal expectations haunt the author, contributing to their self-doubt and the pressure to abandon their dreams for more traditional forms of employment.
The author's writing is influenced by their financial worries and the responsibility they feel to care for a frail partner.
Despite moments of indifference towards personal achievements, the author acknowledges the importance of confronting and accepting their emotions to move forward.
The author desires to inspire joy and provide support to others through their writing, despite the internal and external challenges they face.
The piece ends on a note of self-awareness, with the author recognizing the need to stop hiding from their true self and to embrace their emotions fully.

Raw and Honest Emotions in a Journal Are Exempt From Editing

I refuse to change a thing and dilute the message

Anger and frustration Why am I doing this? Why am I writing? Why am I so slow?

I can’t keep up with others’ word flow Reading list overwhelming me

Guilt sets in

Where do the hours go? As the list grows I fall into the trap of comparison

How do they do it? Make it look so easy I was never a fast thinker Does that mean I’m not good enough

Who am I doing this for anyway?

For me or for popularity?

This need for validation from others Sits deep in the past Old wounds I thought had healed Reveal themselves as scars open, bleed again

You’ll never amount to anything

What a stupid idea

Get a job and pay your way

Forget your dreams

So many shattered over the decades Doubt decrees I surrender Thoughts thrown in the blender Words mashed and bashed A bland mess of ideas Forever lost in the mix

Can’t be reconstituted

Expressed in words written on waking:

Can this clumsy child With heavy words Plod and plow Her way through This muddy ground?

She gazes with longing from afar At the green fields Where creation and financial security Await

How long now? Three years and counting Everything she writes infected with desire for A way out of this burden of debt

So tired of counting the pennies

Will she fail again?

Never reach the finishing line?

Destined to live in lack?

If thoughts create our reality Where do the saboteurs that chide Dismiss all affirmations tried If she could stop the anguish the tears of rage would the earth under her feet dry And in the parched reality Step off this swamp?

All she desires is to help others hear The song in their hearts To join the choir of Joy That awaits their voices

To give kindness Make another smile Lift her veil of inner gloom Let it melt away

But the voice of reason interrupts.

“That doesn’t pay the bills,” it chides.

The self-flagellation begins again — no car, no dentist, no optician, no home to call my own — I’m a failure. No medical aid and my partner is frail — mental and physical health issues — I have to stay strong for him.

But I pretend in my writing everything’s okay, I’m in control. A dire warning of depression-creep and I cannot afford to succumb.

I haven’t meditated in a week — a sure sign of avoidance, antipathy — why bother?

I reached 3.2k followers yesterday, achieved Top Writer in Music, one of four top stories in a recent prompt in another publication. My reaction?

Indifference — it’s a fluke.

It’s not so much I can’t express which emotions I find it hardest to accept in myself, it’s more a case of daring to confront them — anger, rage, fear of failure, envy, self-doubt, worrying what others think.

I’ve been in a state of denial — it’s high time I stopped hiding from my Self.

(Author’s Note: This is as I wrote it — my editing software is sulking!)

Unforgiven performed live by Joe Cocker (RIP),was on my mind as I wrote this — a song to my Self that made me cry, confront and release.

A huge virtual hug to 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊. for the Wednesday journal prompt.

This Week’s Prompt: 14–18.12

3 days of reflection

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