Ancient Swamp Monster To Seek Republican Presidential Nomination
“I’m the ultimate outsider”
Flurgh, the ancient swamp monster who is a frequent guest on Tucker Carlson Today, held a press conference today to announce that he plans to run for the Republican Presidential nomination in 2024.
Standing in front of a backdrop of American flags and surrounded by cheering supporters, the twelve-foot-tall, kelp-encrusted man-beast from Florida explained why he thought the time was right to throw a tentacle in the ring.
“I’m the ultimate outsider,” he said, in the slow, raspy voice familiar to viewers of Fox News. “When Ted Cruz and Ron DeSantis were schmoozing with the other fat cats at Harvard Law School, I was seething and growing ever stronger in the primordial ooze of the deep Everglades. I eat fat cats for breakfast. Partly because they’re easier to catch.”
Flurgh, who became an online sensation in 2019 when a TikTok video of him strangling a giant Burmese python went viral, added that he wanted to put an end to so-called “cancel culture”. “Destroy one small town, and they suspend your Twitter account. That’s not the America I was spawned in.”
Recently online searches for the long-time Florida resident spiked when Joe Rogan promoted him on his popular podcast The Joe Rogan Experience, saying “I like that Flurgh speaks his mind, even on unpopular stuff like his human harvesting proposal. But hey, I’m no political expert, I’m just saying he’s more together than Biden.”
Flurgh’s LinkedIn profile lists his only previous work experience as “luring unwary travellers to their doom in the fetid mangrove swamps of south Florida”. However, in recent years he has used his internet fame to become influential in the far right wing of the Republican party. Polls confirm that his message of meaningless confusion and pain and his slogan “Gods, Guts, and Gators” particularly resonate with QAnon adherents, although some conservative Christians have expressed reservations about the “Cthulhu Will Reign Supreme” tag with which he frequently ends his speeches.
While Flurgh declined to answer reporter’s questions on whether he would consider campaigning with former President Donald Trump, sources close to the campaign said there was concern that it might be “bad for the brand.”
