RESPONSES AS POSTS

Questioning Hesitation and Fighting Procrastination

What is holding me back?

Rambling Rose recently asked her readers, “What is really holding you back?”

It’s a good question. I’m not worried about what people think of me and my writing like I did some twenty years ago. Age and experience have eased that worry away.

So why do I procrastinate?

The “why”

Yes, back during my college writing workshop days (twenty years ago!) reading my work out loud was a nightmare. Besides my professors, the only human I allowed to read my work was my mother. She only read the stuff I submitted for my classes.

I wrote for years, after college. For myself. No one else read it. Why? I didn’t think my voice mattered. Why would anyone read what I wrote when everything has already been written?

That was my mindset. I didn’t matter. It didn’t matter.

That changed in 2020. The pandemic slapped me in the face with a big, “What are you waiting for?!” I starting writing every day to cope with what was going on in the world. My inner voice said this was the time. No more excuses.

I started taking online writing classes in fiction and nonfiction. Written feedback by instructors felt less scary. I cringed when I read the feedback, but I finally jumped over the hurdle of sharing my work.

Now I’m writing and sharing my work more than I’ve ever before. That is a good thing. But I still find myself stuck with sharing personal essays, reliving the feelings I have expertly buried deep down. The tide brings in the deepest sediments of the ocean. Sometimes I want to walk past the rocks and sand.

Hesitation creeps in because I’m drowning in ideas. My brain gets overloaded and I respond by freezing up. I have three notebooks on my desk, along with electronic notes and documents filled with ideas. Ideas that need to be fully formed or dumped, not gone by the wayside.

I’m the type of person who thrives under the pressure of a deadline. It’s why I’m in graduate school. I can’t miss a deadline. By nature, I’m not the type of person who is late for an appointment or an assignment.

It’s hard to create that same type of pressure outside of school or work commitments. No one cares if I write here on Medium or work on my novel.

But I care. I am worth showing up for. My dreams and goals are not attainable overnight. It is a process.

How I’m pushing through the hesitation

Public accountability helps motivate me to push through the hesitation. I post on social media and here on Medium of my monthly goals.

At the end of each month, I plan on paper what I will focus on for the following month. What are the projects I must tackle in the next 30 days? Why on paper? Maybe it’s because of my age, but I still like to plan using a pen and paper. The act creates a level of permanency that is unlike typing.

Then I break down my goals into bite-size pieces. What must I do on a daily or weekly basis to achieve that goal for the month? I keep a weekly planner in front of me on my desk. I make a plan for the number of Medium posts, blog posts, fiction stories, and word count goals for my book.

What’s next? Finding focus.

Ideas consistently bombard my headspace, like when I’m reading for pleasure, watching a movie, taking a shower, and trying to fall asleep. I keep a notebook on my bedside table, in my purse, and by my reading chair. Ideas are great, but not when I feel like I’m suffocating over which idea I should work on next.

I’m still learning how to organize my ideas, so I don’t feel like my head is going in twenty different directions.

It’s a work in progress. I’m a work in progress.

Each day, I get up and write without stopping. Then I put on my editor’s hat and let the red pen do its thing. I could do this all day. Write. Edit. Rinse and repeat.

But now it’s time to push the submit button. There is power within that button. Don’t think, just push it. Go!

@2021 Ellie Jacobson

“Believe in your infinite potential. Your only limitations are those you set upon yourself.”― Roy T. Bennett

This article is a Responses as Posts story to Rose Butcher’s August’s call for submissions:

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