Quarantine Reveals Who Does What At Home, And It’s Still Gendered

Which is why all couples need a relationship contract right now

New studies are revealing what many woman already know — hetero couples aren’t dividing housework and child care any differently or more equitably than they were before the coronavirus pandemic led to stay-at-home mandates.

According to a new New York Times poll, 70 percent of women say they’re fully or mostly responsible for the housework, 66 percent say they’re fully or mostly responsible for child care and 80 percent of women say they spend more time homeschooling the kids. The men, however, while doing more housework, schooling and child care than before, report they’re doing more than women said they did.

Another study, by sociologist, Daniel L. Carlson and colleagues, found similar results, and notes that while the “pandemic has the potential to exacerbate gender inequalities in both work and family by thrusting even more domestic responsibility on women,” it also could “reduce gender inequalities at home.”

If men finally get it, that is.

In a series of tweets, Carlson lays out a path for men on how they can be better involved at home, from communicating (always a biggie); to avoiding talking in terms of “helping;” to learning how to do things they may not have been involved with, such as laundry, cooking or giving baths; to doing things as a couple rather than divvying up tasks.

“[S]tructural barriers like a lack of job flexibility and time at home prevent this. But this barrier has been removed for many. You are home now. Don’t let the burden of your new work/family arrangement fall just on your partner!”

It matters, he tells the Christian Science Monitor, because what happens now is revealing

“a lot about our conceptions of gender right now. I think a lot of people are going to have to come face-to-face with their own and their partner’s ideas about who’s responsible for what.”

They are indeed. Of course, that should have been a discussion before they moved in together or got married, and then even more discussions when kids come along. Which is why I am a big fan of relationship contracts or marital plans, as are many millennials.

If you happen to be in lockdown with your partner, it’s not too late to be more intentional about your relationship and to individualize it to better suit who you are and, due to how the coronavirus crisis is going to shape life for many years to come, how you want to live. In fact, relationship contracts are designed to be revisited and revised as circumstances change.

While coming to agreements about child care, schooling and housework seem like a good place to start, there are probably other things you’re learned about your needs and your partner’s after spending weeks together.

Need more time apart? You probably do. Come to some agreements about how to do that.

Money going to be challenging moving forward? How will you deal with new financial realities?

Death and illness feel more present than ever before. Have you talked about caregiving and end-of-life issues?

Sex becoming an issue? Maybe it’s time to talk about monogamy.

Too often couples assume or misunderstand who does what, or just outright ignore it, which leads to frustration, disappointment, anger and, often, divorce. Creating a relationship contract can help avoid that by forcing hard conversations so couples can clarify things during an already-stressful time.

Stay safe.

Want to learn how to have an equitable marriage? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). You can support your local indie bookstore (please do) or order it on Amazon. And we’re now on Audible.