‘In Sickness And In Health’ Takes On New Urgency During a Pandemic

Caring for a spouse who becomes sick or disabled can test any marriage, no matter how solid. Is your spouse going to show up?

The traditional wedding vows many of us know and perhaps even said, aren’t all that common nowadays as couples write their own vows that speak more authentically to their desires, but few would argue against including words about caring for each other “in sickness and in health.”

And yet, few of us have lived through a pandemic and now that we’re in the midst of one, how will that impact caring in marriages despite whatever a couple has vowed?

If history offers us any clue, it might make honoring the “in sickness” vow somewhat challenging.

Serious illnesses are problematic for spouses, especially if the wives become ill, according to 2009 study. The researchers observed that women who are diagnosed with cancer or multiple sclerosis are six times more likely to find themselves separated or divorced shortly after their diagnosis than if they were a man — a situation they called “partner abandonment.

They also observed that the older the wife was, the more likely she was headed for a divorce, resulting in serious impacts on her health and quality of life.

Women are better at nudging their spouses — whether male or female — to see the doctor and to get health check-ups, according to one study So are gay men. Men do not, which is one of the many ways marriage for heterosexual women is not good for their health.

Many men don’t see themselves as caregivers outside of their bread-winning role. Many men, like society at large, see nurturing as a woman’s thing and so when they are forced into caregiving their wife, it is truly burdensome.

What does that have to do with the coronavirus? COVID-19 will cause mild illness for most people who get it, according to the World Health Organization, and they are supposed to quarantine themselves from their loved ones so they don’t pass it on. Which means spouses can’t really care for each other at the time they need it most.

And it can lead to more serious illnesses for some people who get it, and, because the virus is new, few know just what that might mean in the long term.

But, experts say, history shows us that people who need to be on a ventilator may take months, even a year, to have fully functioning lungs although some may never fully recover. And it’s estimated that between 10% and 30% of people might experience long COVID after recovering — even if they weren’t very sick in the first place.

That’s where that “in sickness” vow comes into play.

Caring for a spouse who becomes sick or disabled can test any marriage, no matter how solid. Is your spouse going to show up for you?

“You have to rewrite the relationship’s expectations. And the longer you’ve been married, the harder that is to do,” says Zachary White, co-author of The Unexpected Journey of Caring: The Transformation From Loved One to Caregiver.

It can become a physical, emotional and financial burden to the caregiving spouse.

In these uncertain times, along with preparing to die — having a living trust, will, advance directive, burial plans, etc. — couples must have a long, undoubtedly hard, conversation about preparing to become a caregiver, whether it’s due to the lingering health effects of coronavirus or not; most of us, if we’re lucky, will get old and need care.

And if you’re a woman, I’d do that ASAP, and lock it in a prenup or postnup. It could be a matter of life or death.