Quarantine Blues, Episode 5

What Thomas Jefferson didn’t say

Apparently, many thousands of fellow citizens read my rant in QB-4, because they’re out on the streets and beaches protesting and waving signs about wanting to get out from under the thumbs of state and local governments on this quarantine business. However, we’re not protesting President Trump and his guys, because they sent us money.

We all went along with the restrictions laid down, because it was the right thing to do. Nobody knew nuttin about this bug. Besides, the way Dr. Ratface and Dr. Neckscarf were talking, we were all going to die if we didn’t stay indoors and wash our hands every 30 seconds. Then there was the mask thing: we need to wear masks, we don’t need to wear masks… wait, yes we do, nowedon’t, yeswedo. But preferably something colorful, cheery, and/or fashionable. (see Pelosi, Nancy)

I’ve only worn a mask during this ordeal on two occasions, both times mowing the yard. I have a higher risk of dying from mold and pollen this time of year than this ChiCom COVERT-247.

Nope, not wearing a mask. It makes my glasses fog over.

I walked into my bank the other day.

It was very crowded — 10 people six feet apart, not counting the two tellers. Everyone was wearing a mask but me, so one of the tellers pressed the silent alarm figuring I was there to rob the place. I had a hard time convincing the SWAT team I wasn’t an un-masked villain, but I eventually did. I think they were somewhat disappointed because the mayor had decreed anyone caught not wearing a mask would be subject to a summary firing squad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm supporter of law enforcer officers. They all deserve our admiration and respect. But those guys had been shut-in for a long time with no action. Just cleaning their weapons over and over and over, dreaming about an op. I could sense an anxious twitch in their faces and trigger fingers. It made me nervous.

Well, that may be a slight exaggeration. Probably because I’ve been binge watching past episodes of SEAL Team. I don’t know. But there is a stiff fine. I got off, though, through bribery. Thinking fast, I offered to take the whole team to Andy’s Frozen Custard and treat them each to a concrete of their choice. We all stayed six feet apart, eating our frozen custards. I got my usual — Butter Pecan. Not surprisingly the SWAT team all got the Boot Daddy. It may’ve been cheaper to pay the fine. There was no jail time, because all the jails were closed. Drive-thru only.

It’s said Thomas Jefferson didn’t say,

“When government fears the people, there’s liberty; when people fear the government, there’s tyranny.”

But he should’ve, because it’s true. According to the Monticello Foundation on What Thomas Jefferson Said, there is no evidence our third president uttered anything of the sort. The quote in question is actually traced back to a guy named Bob Jefferson, no relation. My question is, why did Thomas not think of that before Bob? However, the Foundation does go along with 3 saying, “John Adams should be impeached. He’s a crazy man, and not fit to hold the office. And his hair is bad.”

You know, freaking out about this corona virus

is all well and good but the cable news networks have much bigger things to perseverate over. I’m talking about meteors, comets, and other space debris. There are currently two giant comets heading straight for earth, one seen from the Northern Hemisphere and one from the Southern Hemisphere. They are called ATLAS and SWAN, respectively. You can fact check me on this. The names are acronyms. ATLAS stands for At These Longitudes All is toaSt; SWAN is Sorry Western Australia and maybe ArgentiNa. Some astronomers are as accurate about predicting these objects’ colliding with Earth as government paid epidemiologists (e.g. Ratface and Neckscarf) have been about predicting the ins and outs of CORNPONE-19.

And then there’s that Oumuamua thing that came zipping through our solar system. Do you really think that’s just a big long asteroid? Like the hair guy on Ancient Aliens says,

“I don’t think so.”

Thanks for coming along with me on this short journey.

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