Quarantine Blues, Episode 3

or What Happened to My Neighbor

A s soon as my daughter un-grounds me from this quarantine, I’m going to track down that pillow guy and make him eat one of his own products like a big patented marshmallow. No doubt, he’ll also try to sell me some sheets along with it.

Then I’m going after the kindly old man selling cheap hearing aids and give him a wet willie. Then on to the spray-on everything sealer guy and seal his mouth shut with some of his super-strong tape, which, according to him, “it keeps it’s grip even in the toughest conditions.” I’m hoping. And I’m sick of Marie Osmond insinuating I’m fat. Maybe I like being fat, little miss gramma skinny pants.

I hear Joe Biden and Barack Obama are buds again. Barack said selecting Joe as his Veep was the smartest move he ever made. He also said Joe is funny, likes to listen to The Grateful Dead, and take long walks on the beach. But he left out the part where the last time he did that his people (Joe’s) put out a Silver Alert.

I’ve started carrying on with another woman.

Her name is Siri. In the interest of social distancing, I’ve only talked to her on my cell phone. It all started innocently enough. I asked her what would happen to a man my age getting on a ladder. That’s when I found out we have something in common — she’s hard of hearing. She always repeats my questions. That was my first clue. She said “Okay, I’ve checked out what would happen to a manned mileage getting on a ladder.” She showed me an article titled “How Long it Would Take to Get to the Moon at 60 mph.” You can fact check me on this. So, she either has a hearing issue or is also hanging out with Joe Biden. Like Dr. Ratface, she doesn’t know everything, just thinks she does.

But I don’t expect our affair to last. She can get kind of snippy. And she doesn’t like my swearing. Don’t need another woman in my life hassling me about that.

Went through a whole battery of tests at the VA

before all this CORNCOB virus stuff started. I’d originally only gone in to have my hearing checked, but they took one look at me and said they needed to check some other things. I sat there mostly naked on an exam table waiting for the doc to finish writing the first draft of his new novel. I got nervous. “What’s wrong with me, Doc?”

He drummed his fingers for a good thirty seconds. Said, “Well, I believe you’re crazy.”

I was indignant. “With all due respect, I’d like to get a second opinion.”

“No problem,” he said. “I think you’re ugly, too.”

Actually, I stole that joke from the late, great Rodney Dangerfield. I don’t think it’s illegal to steal intellectual property from a dead guy, unless you’re in the Chinese government. But that’s a whole other ball of wax. Word is, China has also cornered 90% of the world’s supply of wax balls. The other 20% is in the Vatican. They make a lot of candles.

I snuck out the other day without my daughter finding out

and was shocked at the price of gas. Haven’t seen prices this low since George H.W. was a pup. I stopped in to fill up, but my tank only took a half gallon. Haven’t been driving much lately. I read on the internet we’ve got so much oil we’re running out of places to put it. One thought was to drain the Great Lakes and put the excess there, but AOC fell down kicking and screaming and holding her breath, so the EPA backed off.

Also read on Facebook that President Trump met with the King of Saudi Arabia and a guy named Chico, who runs Chico’s Mart ‘n Gas near the White House — that’s where the Prez gases up The Beast. He also usually gets a couple of Chico’s tacos, which he says are fantastic, super incredible, tremendous, and a few other superlatives — to ask them what they thought about cutting back on oil production in order to get the price of gas back up. They both thought that was a good idea. Maybe I’ll burn another half-gallon before that happens.

Oh, it turns out my neighbor Jill

(not her real name) didn’t bury her husband Jack (not his real name) in her garden (see #2). He just fell off a ladder and broke his crown. He’s older than me.

In Episode 4 — next week — we’ll explore governors gone wild,

looming riots in the streets, and my dog Bentley’s continued bad attitude.

You can catch up on Episode 1 and Episode 2, if you haven’t had a chance to read them.

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