Puberty 2.0

HRT 2: Electric Boogaloo

Desperately deserved desires…

E-minus 10 Days…

As I anxiously and with tired patience await my second appointment for a hormone replacement prescription, it occurs to me I haven’t explicitly written about what I am looking forward to most when I finally start taking Estradiol. I’ve talked with a few of my trans siblings about my top three reasons, but not in detail, so I’d like to take this time of waiting to expound on them further in this newest chapter of Puberty 2.0. And if you’re new to my story, welcome💜 and may I recommend starting here:

CW: Masturbation, addiction, drugs, depersonalization, derealization, dissociation, suicide, and self-harm.

My Top 3, all-time greatest, desert island, ultimate reasons for desperately needing HRT, countdown!

#3 — Tits, Hips, and Feminization, Oh My!

It seems like the first change that comes to mind when a person thinks of hormone replacement therapy in regards to replacing Testosterone with Estrogen is breast development. It’s understandable as mammary growth is one of the most visually obvious changes along with other physical changes like fat redistribution and feminization of the face. And I am looking forward to these changes; however, please note they are number three on my list. These physical changes are important enough to me to make it onto the shortlist, but they are a distant third to my next two; they’re not a desperate desire like what follows.

#2 — Female Orgasms

First, allow me a shoutout to Jenny Starr and her excellent, endearing and enticing story about her first E-gasm:

I’ve been envious of the full-body elation women can experience for as long as I knew it existed. One of the big reasons I resisted admitting and accepting that I’m transgender for so long was because I was woefully misinformed on trans sexual sensations. I mistakenly thought that bottom surgery would render any physical feeling down there mute, non-existent. I was also ill-informed of the physical and sexual changes hormone therapy will have on the parts I was born with in their current configuration before surgery. This is a good starting point and primer if you are currently confused and questioning: The Gender Dysphoria Bible

If you’re caught up on my story, and I certainly hope you are, you’ll know that I have had many a multitude of “male” masturbatory moments while “maturing.” Fleeting, unfulfilling they never felt right, fully functional, but falsely fitting; faux feminine feeling. Compulsively, obsessively over the years, I tried to approximate the female orgasm I was yearning for the best I could in this Testosterone riddled body and addled brain. To my continued detriment, I kept taking things further and in debilitatingly dangerous ways. Through a combination of plentiful porn, prostate stimulation, copious drugs and extended edging I’ve experienced some mind-blowing orgasms. On several occasions, I would have sessions that went longer than 24 hours, nonstop, with no breaks.

This is not an endorsement of edging, drugs, or porn (butt please play with your prostate if you have one). I jeopardized my health, neglected friends, family, wasted decades of life in disparagement, due to distracting diversions, delusions and denial. Engaging in ever-escalating extreme endeavors undoubtedly would’ve eventually equated an end of exquisite entity, my entire existence eternally eradicated. Fortunately, I finally found my true feminine form; my following steps would have most likely led to autoerotic asphyxiation and risky sexual encounters in increasing efforts to escape.

I’ve told you this, dear reader, to fully convey that when I say I desperately desire and need hormone replacement therapy, it’s understood that I’m not simply exaggerating or being overly-dramatic; transitioning has saved, and continues to save, my life. As transitioning does for many of my trans siblings.

I’m ready to experiment sexually safely and I’m intrigued to try and tackle techniques of the ten+ types of trans femme orgasms! Hopefully, I’ll be exploring estrogen elevated enjoyment endlessly, and responsibly, for the foreseeable future. This brings us to the number one reason HRT cannot come quick enough.

#1 — Alleviation of Depersonalization, Derealization and Dissociation

One more shoutout, this one to Zinnia Jones. Her work and research on DPDR concerning the trans community is second to none. I identify with quite a bit of what she relates. I recommend checking out her website, Gender Analysis, for more information. This article on Medium is a good jumping-off point and I’ll quote from here:

Read the full list at the link above.

I’m going to list some descriptions of certain feelings, and I’d like for any trans or gender-questioning readers to think about whether they’ve felt anything similar to this over the course of their lives. -Zinnia Jones

• Feeling as if you have an “unreal” or absent self: “I have no self”
• Being absorbed in yourself and experiencing a compulsive self-scrutiny or extreme rumination
• Having an ongoing and coherent dialogue with yourself
• Difficulty imagining a future for yourself
• Being able to think clearly, but feeling as if some essential quality is lacking from your thoughts or experience of the world
• A sense of disconnectedness from life, impeding you from creative and open involvement with the world

I identify most with these six. These experiences come in waves, but build when I’m feeling particularly stressed or out of control. Certain drugs have usually made these feelings worse like cannabis or psilocybin; I usually lose all sense of self and function on mushrooms. On the other hand, alcohol and uppers will temporarily relieve some symptoms, I feel present and in control, but upon coming down, DPDR is exacerbated significantly and I’ll find myself overanalyzing everything in a hyper-critical way.

I find myself practicing conversations I anticipate having constantly and feel like I’m just going through the motions of life without actually living. For much of my life, I didn’t really have a personality other than a people-pleasing chameleon adapting to the situation and surrounding company. I let my health go as I felt so disconnected from my body and goals for the future were non-existent. I’ve attempted suicide and engaged in self-destructive behaviors to feel something; anything but nothing. There is a silver lining, a reason for hope.

Since accepting myself as transgender these pervasive feelings have diminished some and I find myself experiencing emotions more, recognizing my personality traits and forming personal tastes, I’m more creative and expressive, and I’m more open to certain social interactions. The lessening of my DPDR is minor, but I am hopeful that HRT will help solve more of this, as anecdotal evidence has shown it can. I want to experience a full and open life and it seems like Estrogen can facilitate this. I’m so tired of living a hollow, shallow existence.

That is why I desperately desire, need, crave, and absolutely must have hormone replacement therapy.

E-minus 10 days until my next appointment. I can do this.

I’ve found that reading similar stories, equivalent experiences, can be incredibly affirming for me and I owe a debt to the transgender community who have bared their souls online for me and those like me. So I write about my trauma and tragedy, euphoria and elation, exhilaration and excitement, for those who identify with me and my particularly unique trans journey in the hopes we can lift each other up and grow stronger together. And I write for those who don’t, so at least I might be seen and understood; if only a little. Thank you for reading, it means the world to me; truly.

Can you relate? Highlight what resonated with you and let me know in the comments. 💜

10 more days, I can do this.

Tumultuous regards,

💜 Victoria Quinn 💜