Protecting Yourself from a Psychopath
Knowledge is power and decisive action is the only way to protect yourself.
by: E.B. Johnson
Though psychopathy is not a recognized psychiatric disorder, it’s a very serious condition that can cause a lot of problems in the lives of sufferers (and those in their gravity). It’s a subtype of anti-social personality disorder, and one that afflicts about 1% of the general population. Understanding the psychopath takes digging deep into the roots of their experiences, and learning how to spot the signs of their negative behaviors. Not all psychopaths look like “Dexter”-esque serial killers. Some of them are lurking right on the edges of our closest relationships, requiring us to take a stand, set boundaries and protect ourselves in a number of ways.
What a psychopath looks like.
Learning how to spot the psychopaths in our lives is important for safeguarding our happiness. They can come in many different shapes and forms, however, and their traits can manifest in a number of subtle and undermining ways. The psychopath is someone that lacks conscience and empathy, but there are even sharper and more malicious edges to them too. When you identify the psychopath in your life you can protect yourself, but that often requires a hefty dose of honesty and acceptance.
In definitive terms, psychopathy is a psychological condition that causes the individual afflicted to show a profound lack of empathy and an extremely willing eagerness to engage in immporal or antisocial behavior in order to gain what they want. Whether it’s short-term or long-term — it doesn’t matter to the psychopath. The only thing that matters to them is power, and being in control of the things they want to have control over.
Psychopaths are egocentric, but they don’t all have the dead-eyed stare we might expect from the movies. While all psychopaths are generally narcissistic and impulsive, they can also be quite articulate and convincing too. They see other people as things to be used, and they know exactly how to use their emotions and the emotions of those around them to get what they want. Their brains don’t respond like ours, because the psychopath’s roots run deep. It’s a complex condition that can stem from a number of places, and the better we understand those origins the better we can protect ourselves against their manipulations.
What makes a psychopath?
Psychopathy is complex, and it can be triggered by a number of emotional and psychological conditions, as well as experiences that occur during formative parts of life. The psychopath understands emotion, but they also understand how to process and transform information in way that indicates dynamic cognitive ability. Whether brought-on by childhood trauma or frontal lobe dysfunction, we have to force ourselves to understand the origins of psychopathy.
Childhood trauma
It will, perhaps, come as no surprise that childhood trauma has been linked to psychopathic behavior. Those whose parents abused them (emotionally, physically, sexually) or those whose parents were neglectful or emotionally distant can often find themselves more likely to suffer from these tendencies — something that may come from a combination of genetics and coping mechanisms layered within trauma responses.
Frontal lobe dysfunction
Some research has indicated that the lack of emotion and conscience experienced by psychopaths is caused by frontal lobe damage and dysfunction¹. Several test studies with damage and impairment in this area indicated a tendency for psychopathic behavior, showing lack of emotion and lack of compassion for those around them. Likewise, criminal offenders and those diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder also frequently showed damage or dysfunction in the frontal lobe.
Emotional pain and violence
Those who suffer from extreme emotional pain, or those who become victims of extreme violence can often find themselves suffering from psychopathic tendencies later on in life. This can occur both from triggered pre-inherited conditions, but it can also create extreme emotional dysfunction that causes victims to detach in alarming ways. Emotional pain and violence is a common experience in the backgrounds of most psychopaths, but it is only a puzzle piece and not the sole excuse for their behavior.
The signs of psychopathic tendencies.
There a number of signs that someone has psychopathic tendencies. These can manifest in a number of ways, and range from shifting personalities to chronic and consisting lying. While understanding a psychopath might begin with understanding their roots, it progresses only when you learn how their behavior manifests and impacts the lives of those around them.
Different person, different circumstances
Psychopaths are chameleons, meaning they take on (seemingly) different personalities in different circumstances. They will adjust their behavior and even their beliefs to fit whatever situation they find themselves in, and they will always use it in order to achieve more power or get the things that they want. While this trait might appear charming at first, over time it can become disconcerting and leave people confused as to where they stand with the psychopath.
Impulsivity
One of the common characteristics of the psychopath is an extreme impulsivity that — more often than not — leads to problems in both the personal and professional realms. They have a tendency to act on a whim, and might display unnecessarily risky behavior. While that can range anywhere from staying up watching movies to 4AM, it can also look more like substance abusive, thrill-seeking behavior or financial woes.
Rational to a fault
The psychopath is generally a personal who is rational to a fault. Rather than being distracted by pain and suffering, they are able to think effectively in even the most stressful of situations because they aren’t “hindered” by emotional considerations. Though this can be a gift in some situations, (hell, E.R. nurses and doctors) — it can be damaging in personal relationships where emotions play a pivotal role.
Easily bored by others
Because the psychopath doesn’t care about other people, they easily become bored when they find themselves on the receiving end of personal sharing. They might also feel as though they need to have an adrenaline fix in order to be entertained, or they might find personal interactions in general to be a complete bore. This occurs because they’re detached from their emotions and the empathy that allows them to relate to the personal revelations of others; resulting in boredom and (often) extreme or anti-social behavior.
Zero responsibility
Psychopaths — generally speaking — find it hard to take responsibility for the things in their lives that implode or go wrong. In conflict, they will deny any accountability and look to shift the blame onto those around them, in order to avoid the emotional responsibility that comes along with that leap. It’s only on the rare occasion that a true psychopath will put their hand up, but that’s also (generally) used as a tactic to manipulate or control others.
Lies, lies, lies
Whether they know it or not, the psychopath is a liar whose relationships are fraught with trust issues. The lies the psychopath tells are as varied and arrayed as the reasons for those lies, and can range from lies told to garner attention to lies told strictly for entertainment. Some psychopaths make lying an art form, while others do it entirely subconsciously. To the psychopath, lies are the means by which they maintain all their many illusions.
Parasitic lifestyle
It’s not that psychopaths can’t take care of themselves, they’re more than capable of that. The real problem is that they prefer to manipulate others, and use them to perform the basic tasks that they can’t be bothered to do. While this might manifest as a refusal to do the chores, at it’s worst end it can result in a parasitic person who relies on others for everything including food, the roof over their head and every other aspect of their existence.
How to deal with the psychopath in your life.
If you suspect someone in your life is a psychopath, there are a number of steps you have to take in order to protect yourself. Psychopaths can be subtle, and they can be incredibly clever. While it’s not always possible to cut them out of your life entirely, it is possible to create space and safeguard your happiness.
1. Get some space
The psychopaths in our lives are not always confined to the edges. Sometimes, they’re our parents, siblings, friends and partners. It’s not always possible to cut the cord completely with these individuals, so it’s important — in these instances — to remember the power of space and boundaries. Only by creating strong walls can you protect yourself from manipulation, but that’s something that can take finesse, time and practice to master.
Start by taking some quiet time to focus on (and even journal) about the things you want and need from the environment around you. Consider the things you’re willing to tolerate and the things you’re not. Begin putting together some boundaries and prepare to communicate those boundaries to the psychopaths in your life.
Refuse to give into the games, and refuse to compromise on the things that matter most to you. Don’t stoop to their level, and don’t accept behavior or treatment that isn’t compatible with your own authentic truth. The psychopath might try to engage you in emotional conflict. Don’t play their game. If you find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place with a psychopath, learn how to walk away and get the space you need.
2. Look for win-win agreements
Some psychopaths have very aggressive natures, even if this aggression is deeply buried and only revealed as a last resort. They are the person who wants to win at any cost, and they don’t care who they hurt in the process. To them, the only thing that matters is their own self-gratifaction; everyone else is collateral damage. That’s why it’s imperative to look for win-win situations when you find yourself stuck with a psychopath that you can’t escape.
If you’ve found yourself stuck in conflict with a genuine psychopath that won’t back down, look for the win-win out that will allow you to put things to rest. The more benefits you both can walk away with, the more enticing the offer will be for them — so make it as juicy as possible. Look for a way that you both can win, and don’t compromise or settle for your own loss just to give them what they want (that only rewards their behavior).
Propose only those situations which benefit you both, and give a hard to pass on anything which sees you dominated by the other party. Domination is a part of the reward for the psychopath, so make sure they understand that real living is about compromise. Not only will this allow you to walk away secure in yourself, it will also teach the dominant psychopath that their insistence can be used for good when all parties involved get a win.
3. Practice acceptance
One of the biggest parts of learning how to deal with the psychopath you can’t cut free is learning the art of radical acceptance. This is both an internal and an external process, and one that has to be practiced within and without. If you want to effectively deal with a psychopath you have to accept them for what they are, but you also have to accept yourself for who you are and your limits.
The first thing to remember here is that you can’t change them, you can’t heal them; they have to heal themselves. People are creatures of our own creating. While our medical histories and genetics might play a part, we ultimately decide to seek treatment and heal the wounds that plague us on every level of our being. No one can change us but ourselves. No one can lead us down the path of healing but ourselves.
Some people are just bad people. Some people don’t want to change. In order for you to move on in a way that allows you to protect your longterm wellbeing, you have to accept that fact — and let go of any responsibility you feel for the emotions and lives of others. Dig deep and focus, instead, on where this need comes from and find the peace you need in order to move on toward relationships and experiences that better suit your journey and where you’re trying to go.
4. Focus on actions, not words
One of the most dangerous aspects of the psychopath’s behavior is their ability to convince anyone of their changed nature. They are usually very charming, and often charismatic. Using this — coupled with their knowledge of human emotions — they can easily convince those around them that they are changed and ready to do better by those they love. The problem, however, is that many psycopaths soon slip back into the same behavior. For this reason, we have to learn to focus on actions, not words.
Stop listening to the excuses and the rationalizations. Drop the apologies and the stories and the grand explanations. Don’t listen to what the psychopath says they’ll do — start paying attention to what they actually do. Little-by-little, you’ll start to see beyond the manipulations to the ugliness that’s bubbling underneath the surface.
Lies, broken promises and neglected responsibilities aren’t things that have to be dealt with. If you find yourself battling the umpteenth second chance, take a step back and reconsider your boundaries. You deserve to be treated well. You deserve a partner, friend or spouse that tells you the truth and looks out for your genuine wellbeing. While a slip-up here and there might be a real mistake, constantly deceiving or failing to live up to promises is a burden that you don’t have to bear. If the actions don’t match the words, start creating space and do it fast.
5. Boost your other relationships
Focus on your other relationships and make them the focal point of your centeredness. Though you may not be able to cut out the psychopath in your life entirely, you can stop wasting that majority of your energy on a relationship that will never add to your growth. Instead, shift to focusing on the good relationships in your life — and make sure they have the things they need to blossom and thrive.
By focusing on the relationships that actually bring happiness and growth into our lives, we can create a fulfilling future that is entirely our own. Part of the danger of the psychopath is their chronic unhappiness, and this is something that they can weigh down all of their closest relationships. Even if you can’t cut ties entirely, leave that unhappiness behind by detaching from that relationship in a way that allows you to emotionally distance from its ups and downs.
Focus on your own reputation and focus on the other people around you who really care about your wellbeing. Be above the reproach of the psychopath, and live your life entirely on your own terms. Don’t back down from what you know is right. Just because you can’t cut ties doesn’t mean you have to be entirely invested in what goes wrong or what goes right in that dysfunctional relationship. Learn how to let go, and latch on to those thing which serve who you truly are and where you truly want to go instead.
Putting it all together…
Psychopaths are everywhere, and they can seriously undermine our happiness and wellbeing if not appropriately addressed. Though their roots run deep (and often tragic), psychopaths are dangerous and its important to protect ourselves from their manipulations. That starts with learning how to understand the psychopath and the way they manifest their many traits and behaviors. Only when we truly understand them for who we are can we create a plan for battling off their worst manipulations.
It’s not always possible to cut ties completely with the psychopaths in our lives, so it’s important that we learn how to protect ourselves. Start by creating space in the relationship, leaving room for you to detach and protect your physical and emotional wellbeing. When in conflict, look for win-win agreements that allow both parties to walk away while maintaining their boundaries and the things that are important to them. Accept that some people are beyond help and start focusing on the relationships that bring you true growth, joy and energy. Above all else, focus on actions — not words. The psycopath is a charmer and one that can convince you of almost anything. Let their actions speak truth to the lies their words tell you.
Reference:
- Shamay-Tsoory et al. The role of the orbitofrontal cortex in affective theory of mind deficits in criminal offenders with psychopathic tendencies. Cortex, 2010; 46 (5): 668 DOI: 10.1016/j.cortex.2009.04.008
